Let's start Again... 3nd edit! yes/no? help?

By maisie

Thu, 05 May 2011

1346 reads

4 comments

Lets Start Again.
.
I wish I could say,
"Let's start again."
.
You held me when
I had no one else.
Your love reverberated
my privacy well.
.
We lost the magic:
the flashed desire,
the keen knowledge,
our hearts on fire.
.
Life can be weighed
in pain and stress.
You married, I parried
each serious gesture

with abrupt architecture
made in human flesh
a reduction of the risk
of uncontrollable sex.
.

So "Lets start again"
would lead to disaster!
I feel the pull, the pinch
the tug. When I think
clearly I feel a mug!

Comments

'the flashed desire' is a

Permalink Submitted by jennifer on Thu, 2011-05-05 23:13

'the flashed desire' is a very striking line, good here! I think you mean 'hearts' plural after 'our' (no apostrophe). And I'm not sure if 'with abrupt architecture' is a little too metaphorical - the change in rhythm from four lines to three also leaves an odd note at the end, was this deliberate? J x

thanks jennifer, you

Permalink Submitted by maisie on Fri, 2011-05-06 02:43

thanks jennifer, you confirmed my suspicions re the end, and the rest is valid, i'll go over it tomorrow. cheers!

maisie Guess what? I'm still alive!

I agree about the last line

Permalink Submitted by seashore on Fri, 2011-05-06 08:04

I agree about the last line but otherwise I think it's an excellent poem.

Great, better, but the lack

Permalink Submitted by jennifer on Sat, 2011-05-07 19:55

Great, better, but the lack of punctuation in the last verse does not help with meaning... feels more finished now, though. J x