Appropriately, It Was Raining Outside

By MaisyLouise

Fri, 13 Nov 2009
  • 1262 reads
3 comments
 

Back in the summer
This was all new
Excitement. A rush.
(I want you)
This morning a change
In the rain, and that room
It can't be enough.
(I want you)
Why don't you want me?
I'd ask if I could
I won't. I'm afraid. (Though
I do
Want you)
Your hands. Your eyes.
Your touch. Your smile.
Other cliched things
I want to say. Eg:
I think we knew each other
In another life
But all hope ended
In my heart today. See...
I feel like I could love you
Love you
Really love you
But truth is it takes two
To feel that way.
I won't regret it
Can't and don't regret it
I just wish I could have had
My way.

Certificate U
Poem
Stuff
Romance

Comments

Submitted by tcook on
That's well put and very sad.

Submitted by shatterboxx on
This is really powerful, I think that having the 'I want you's in paranthesis really helps that in the first part. I think the cliches take away from this however - 'All hope ended in my heart today' works nowhere near as well as 'I feel like I could love you/Love you/Really love you/But truth is it takes two/To feel that way.' - which is much simpler and more direct. I'm quite intrigued by the title and the mention of time and place ('summer' 'that room'). I would've liked more of this to add impact to the sadness of the end, but it's up to you :)

Submitted by MaisyLouise on
Wow! this is great feedback. appreciate the constructive criticism, thanks so much for taking the time. I nearly deleted this one as soon as i put it up because i wasn't sure if it was just embarrassingly awful, but this has given me some confidence in it, thx :)