Holidays in Hell 1. Welcome to Boogaloo.

(Scene 1.  Pastor Daniel Beeston sat in front of his computer.)

Pastor :- Look Darling, there’s an email here from someone selling holiday cottages.

Susan :- What’s the company called?

Pastor :- M. T. Holmes.  ‘Follow this link to our free brochure.’  I don’t mind if I do.  Wow.  This is brilliant photography.  Have a look at some of these places, Dear.

Susan :- So we could have a holiday cottage somewhere like that.  Would it be expensive?

Pastor :- These prices are nothing.  I paid more for your old car.  I think the air fare to Africa costs more than some of these holiday homes.  Oh Susan, look at this.  The beautiful mountains of the African country of Boogaloo.  This is the chalet they’re selling us.  It’s only £3000.

Susan :- That just seems a little bit cheap.  Are you sure it’s all right?

Pastor :- Money goes a lot further in Africa.  This is our lucky day.

Susan :- Does it have running water?

Pastor :- Darling, at that price I can afford to buy you bottled water every day.

Susan :- Does it have electricity?

Pastor :-  We could always put a solar panel on the roof.

Susan :- I wonder why they only want £3,000 for it.  Where is it?

Pastor :-  Boogaloo.

Susan :- I can’t say I’ve ever heard of it.

Pastor :-  According to this brochure, Boogaloo is a newly created African country.  It was formerly a city but has now become a country in its own right.

 

(Scene 2.  An airport in Africa.)

Dirk :- Cessna Airways at your service.  Are you the American couple who want to go to Boogaloo?

Pastor :- We’re not from America.  We’re from Wales.

Dirk :- Same place.  Wales in America.  It’s part of the USA, isn’t it?

Susan :- How did you know it was us?

Dirk :- You, how you say, stick out like a sore thumb?  How much baggage do you have?  I think I can handle those.  I have to ask, though.  This old piston thing is not too steady in the air, can’t climb as fast if it’s overloaded.  I have to slow down and fly a bit lower if I’ve got too much on board.

 

(Scene 3.  Pastor Daniel Beeston and Susan on board the plane with Dirk flying.)

Dirk :- We’re travelling at 150 knots now, so Boogaloo is about 3 hours away.  What are you doing there?  Are you famine relief, medics or what?

Susan :- Is it a poor country?

Dirk :- I’ll say it is.  They send huge ships there full of millions of tons of animal feed.

Pastor :-  To feed the animals?

Dirk :- No.  The animals have all died long ago.  To feed the people.  Three quarters of the animal feed gets stolen.

Pastor :-  Why would they steal it?

Dirk :- How would you behave if everyone in your village was starving?  Would you walk 5 miles to another village that had just had a delivery of food and steal all theirs?

Susan :- No, of course not.

Dirk :- I think you might.  I didn’t say the people in your village were hungry, I said they were starving.  People are dying.  It’s the other village 5 miles away or it’s yours.  I think I’d send the soldiers there while they still had the strength to walk.  It’s a matter of survival.

Susan :- What’s happening to the aircraft?  I think we’re going to be killed.

Pastor :-  Keep calm, Dear.  God is in control.

Susan :- I’m not sure he’s in control of this aeroplane.

Dirk :- It’s all right, Miss.  It’s a tropical air current.  My father always said, ‘Never go within a hundred feet of the ground.’  In hot weather the aircraft altitude can suddenly drop by a hundred feet.  You have to leave a margin.  Grandad had a tiger moth.  He had to have a biplane.  They wouldn’t even licence monoplanes in the fifties.  They lost so many.  This is a 1967 monoplane, it’s a bit more powerful, and it’s completely safe in the hands of an expert like me.  Anyway, you never answered my question.  My name’s Dirk.  Who are you and what are you doing in Boogaloo?

Pastor :-  I’m a church pastor.  My name’s Daniel Beeston.

Susan :- I’m his wife, Susan.

Pastor :-  We’re on holiday and we might actually retire there.

Dirk :-  Holiday?  Retire there?  Boogaloo?  I don’t take many people into Boogaloo, I more often evacuate people.  I never met anyone who wanted to go on holiday or retire in Boogaloo.  They’re more likely to climb on to the back of a lorry trying to get out of the place.

Pastor :-  We’ve just bought a holiday home there.  It’s a beautiful city.

Dirk :- Yes, the parts of it that are still standing.

Susan :-  We’ve got a heart to help the poor.

 

(Scene 4.  Pastor Daniel Beeston and Susan arriving at the chalet.)

Pastor :-  Where are my keys?  Here they are.  Yes, this is the right key for the door.  Look Susan, it’s a pretty solid chalet.  It’s well built, isn’t it?  (Closes the door behind him.)

Susan :-  It needs to be.  Look at that bombed out building on top of the hill.  Oh, the light doesn’t work.  No electricity.

Pastor :-  Leave the light on.  Perhaps it’ll come on when the factories are closed.

Rosey :- (Knocks on the door.  Susan answers.)  Hello.

Susan :-  Hello.  I’m Susan.

Pastor :-  Hello.  I’m Pastor Daniel Beeston.

Rosey :-  You’re a church pastor?

Pastor :-  Yes.

Rosey :- That’s interesting.  My name is Isybabusha, but you can call me Rosey.  So you’ve come here to help the poor and teach people about God?

Pastor :-  We’ve come here for a holiday.  We’ve retired.

Susan :-  Good servants of God never retire.  Yes, we want to help the poor and teach them about God.  Quite right.

Rosey :-  I’m so glad that you want to live among the ordinary people.  All the other Americans live in a compound with high walls to keep them safe from the terrorists.  But not you.  You live here with us.  I like that.  Are you all right, Pastor Beast?  You look very nervous.

Pastor :-  I’m excited.  So excited to be here.  So pleased to have met you.  Too much excitement for one day.

Rosey :-  Goodbye.  If you ever need anything, I’m just next door.  (Leaves the chalet.)

Pastor :-  It has running water.  (Puts a cup under the tap and turns it on.)

Susan :- It’s a funny colour.

Pastor :- Boil it, mix it with coffee, and no one will be able to tell.  Especially this really cheap, nasty coffee.  I’ve got a gas stove and a little kettle.

Susan :- It’s getting dark.  Mmm.  It gets dark quickly in the tropics.

Pastor :- I’ve got a big torch with a rechargeable battery.  There you are.  It’s good, isn’t it?

Susan :- The kettle’s boiling.  I’ll go and get Rosey and ask her if she wants a cup of coffee.  (Susan leaves the chalet and returns with Rosey.)

Pastor :-  Would you like a cup of coffee?

Rosey :- Yes.  That would be lovely.

Pastor :- Do you take sugar?

Rosey :- I don’t know.  I’ve never had coffee before.

Pastor :- I’ll make it black with no sugar, sorry, I mean coffee with no milk or sugar.

Rosey :- (Taking the coffee from the Pastor and drinking it.)  What part of America are you from?

Pastor :- We’re not from America.  We’re from Swansea in Wales.

Rosey :- Wales is in America.

Susan :- Not exactly.

Rosey :- Is it near London?

Pastor :- It’s not that far from London.

Rosey :- This is really nice coffee.  My family have never been able to afford coffee.

Susan :-  Feel free to come around whenever you want.

Rosey :- Could I please have some water from your tap?  It’s easier than walking down to the river.

Pastor :- It’s not very clean.

Rosey :- It’s cleaner than river water.  It’s hard work, walking down to the river on a hot day with a pot on your head.

Susan :- Yes, you can certainly have some water.

Rosey :- I’ll go and get my pot.  (Leaves chalet and returns with a large 10 litre container.)

Pastor :- (Fills the pot with water from the tap.)  Put some bleach in it.

Susan :- Bleach?

Pastor :-  (Holding a tiny cup.)  It’s very dilute.  It’s perfectly safe.  I use this.  I used to go camping when I was a boy.  Water stays fresh for a week if you bleach it.  If you use lemon or lime bleach, it tastes nice too.  (Tips the bleach into the container.)

Rosey :- (Taking a little sip of the water with her now empty coffee cup.)  Oooh!  It does taste fruity, if a little bitter.  This makes the water safe to drink? 

Pastor :-  Yes.  You should get a strong, bitter taste and a little burning sensation around the mouth.  That proves that it’s diluted to the right strength.

 

(Scene 5.  Susan bangs her fist furiously on Rosey’s front door.  Rosey holds the door open and Susan and Rosey talk.)

Susan :- Two men with guns, one on top of the ruined building and one on the ground underneath it, shooting at each other, with very, very rapid shots.  I could have been killed.

Rosey :- Susan, calm down.  Where were you when this happened?

Susan :- I walked across the main road to the town centre and on to the other side of the square.

Rosey :-  Where those abandoned buildings are?

Susan :-  Yes.

Rosey :-  What were you doing there?  You should never have gone there on your own.  That’s the most dangerous part of the city.

Susan :-  Rosey, I need to go shopping, I need to buy some food. 

Rosey :-  I’ll show you where to shop.

 

(Scene 6.  A man is clearing mines at the entrance to a back lane.  He is holding a long piece of stiff wire.  Susan and Rosey come past.)

Mine Clearer :-  You won’t be able to go up there, ladies.  I haven’t finished clearing the mines yet.  (The man touches a mine with the stiff wire and it explodes.)  Oh, that’s a big beasty.

Susan :-  It nearly knocked me off my feet.  Why don’t they give you a metal detector?

Mine Clearer :-  I had a metal detector 35 years ago.  I’ve done this since I was a child.  The old mines from the 1960s were made out of metal.  Anything after 1980 is made out of plastic.  A metal detector doesn’t work anymore.  The best way to find a mine is to prod and poke.

 

(Scene 7.  Susan and Rosey at the market.)

Rat Seller (sitting in front of his stall singing and playing his guitar) :-

Cook your rat correctly, cook your rat correctly, cook your rat correctly and you won’t die of plague.

Buy a fresh carcass on the day that it was slaughtered.  Don’t buy meat that’s been draining in the street.

Cook your rat correctly, cook your rat correctly, cook your rat correctly and you won’t die of plague. 

Some parts of the rat harbour infection.  Be sure you remove the skin and blood.

Cook your rat correctly, cook your rat correctly, cook your rat correctly and you won’t die of plague.

Rat meat is safer when it’s fried in boiling oil.  After ten minutes the germs are usually dead.

 

Rosey :-  How much is that big juicy brown rat?

Rat Seller :-  Seven shillings.  (Looks at Susan.)  Which rat do you want?

Susan :-  No, no, I don’t think I’ll have one.

Rosey :-  City girl.  She comes from Wales in London, which is in America.  No idea how to gut or skin anything.

Rat Seller :-  Get your friend to cook it for you.

Rosey :-  It’s nothing to worry about.  He’s very careful.  No need to fear infection from his rats.  You Americans are so funny about which animals you will or won’t eat.

Susan :-  I’m not American, I’m Welsh.

Rosey :-  Well, you need to find a rabbit then, so we can have Welsh Rabbit.

(Susan and Rosey approach another market stall.)

Market Trader :-  Madam, would you like some flied lice?

Susan :-  Yes, I would like some flied lice.

Market Trader :-  I’ll just put a big knob of fat into the pan.  Now some insects.

Susan :-  Uuuurgh!  I wasn’t expecting you to start frying creepy crawleys.

Rosey :-  Susan, what do you think flied lice actually means?

Susan :-  I thought she meant fried rice.

Rosey (laughing hysterically) :-  Fried rice?  You thought flied lice meant fried rice?  Why would anyone think that?

Susan :-  In our country we don’t eat lice.

Rosey :-  You Americans are so fussy about what you eat.  Can’t eat lice, can’t eat rats.  You must get some protein into your body or it can’t function.  Have you got any money?

Susan :-  I think I should be able to pay for a little bag of insects with this one dollar bill.

Rat Seller :-  A whole dollar!  For a dollar you can have all my rats.

Market Trader :-  For a dollar I can fill a huge black bin bag with fried insects.

Susan :-  No thank you, I’ll just have a small one.

Rosey :-  I’ll take the dollar.  I’ll buy all your food while you’re here.  Fried lice is a very nice meal with a few African vegetables.  They don’t even get the kind of diseases that rats get.  How could they harm you?

 

(Scene 8.  Pastor Daniel Beeston and Susan having tea in the chalet.)

Pastor :-  Aren’t you going to eat your insects, Darling?

Susan :-  No.  I don’t think I can.

Pastor :-  You’ll be fine, Dear.  I’d be more worried about getting cholera from the vegetables.  You did peel them properly and boil them properly, didn’t you?  Do you know what the locals consider to be a real delicacy?  Bush rats.  Why don’t you go and buy some rats tomorrow, Dear?

 

Click on Follow My Leader on the footnotes below to see other stories by Malcolm Lisle and the rest of this series.