I've Lost My Mummy 1

I had just moved into some new flats on a council estate. I was concerned about one of my neighbours. She was a woman in her 20s who was called Crystal. I was aware of an eerie blue light that came from her flat at night which was accompanied by vibrations. I decided to pay her a visit. I wanted to know what was going on. I actually wondered if it was none of my business, what Crystal was, or what she did. But I rang the doorbell. The electronic chime played a tune I was sure I had heard in a science fiction movie. Crystal opened the door. She was beautiful. What should I say to her? I love you? Will you marry me? I want you to be my girlfriend? Too much of a display of emotion would frighten her away. It might be the end of a beautiful friendship. Perhaps one day our friendship would blossom into love. Like a big aeroplane, I would descend into Crystal's life gently and slowly.
"Hello," I said. "I'm your new neighbour, Neville. I thought I'd just pop in to see if you were all right."
"I thought you'd come to complain about the noise. I hope my vibrations don't keep you awake at night."
"No, not at all."
"Would you like a cup of tea?"
"Yes. Thank you." We walked into the kitchen. A blue glow came out of Crystal's feet. The vibrations happened again. Crystal rose 3 feet in the air and brought down a small box of tea from the top shelf.

We sat in the lounge drinking our tea.
"Who are you?" I asked.
"The name's Crystal."
"I know you're name's Crystal but who are you?"
"I'm fine, thank you."
"Not how are you, who are you? What are you?" I didn't want to sound rude. "Crystal, you're not quite like other people."
"No, I'm not."
"Why is that? Are you an alien?" She laughed.
"Whatever gave you that idea?"
"The way your doorbell plays the tune from the science fiction film. And the way you fly and vibrate."
"Levitate," said Crystal.
"Okay, you levitate. But why?"
"The kitchen's very small and it's convenient to keep as many things as possible on the top shelf."
"That's not what I meant. I mean you can levitate and other people can't. Why? How? Are you an alien?"
"No."
"Why are you different to other people?"
"Promise that you won't laugh." I cared about Crystal. I still loved her, in spite of wondering whether we would ever have children.
"Crystal, tell me why you're different. I promise I won't laugh."
"My mother was abducted by a flying saucer." I was amazed but kept a straight face. "I'm half human, half alien."
"I thought that if you were an alien you were meant to keep a low profile."
"I do," said Crystal.
"But you levitate."
"I'm sorry if I frightened you. It's not always easy for me to know what is or isn't acceptable human behaviour. No one else has ever seen me levitate. They only come to complain about the noise. They avoid me. They think l'm weird. They don't come into my flat."
"I wasn't frightened Crystal." I became aware of the temperature in the room and took my jumper off. "It's hot in here."
"Oh sorry," said Crystal. "I'm used to living on Venus." She walked into the hall and turned the thermostat on the wall.
"Crystal, you are not used to living on Venus. Venus has been visited by satellites. Nothing lives there. It's just barren desert."
"The Russian satellite landed on the ground. Conditions are terrible there. It disintegrated after a few hours. But our flying cities are hidden in the clouds of Venus. It didn't see those."

At the University Bill and Ben had found an ancient Egyptian mummy. Unusually it had been found during an archaeological dig during the summer holidays. What was an ancient Egyptian mummy doing buried under a sand dune in South Shields? It was nowhere near the pyramids. Bill put the dummy on a table and set up the X ray machine. Ben decided to satisfy his historical curiosity by taking the pearls he had found in a bag inside the mummy's casket to a jeweller's shop to have them valued. The jeweller examined one of the pearls through a tiny microscope. "It's not a precious stone," he said. "I don't know what it is."
"What is it worth?" asked Ben. The jeweller laughed.
"It's not worth anything. It's like a children's toy you would find in a chocolate egg. Except a chocolate egg with a free toy is probably worth more, if you found one intact." He handed the pearl back to Ben. Ben was friendly with a girl called Tanya who was an art student. He went to the art room. Tanya was photocopying a cornflakes packet.
"It's like primary school here," he said. "What's the value of that? You're like children."
"Ben, the questions you could ask in an exam about a collage of household objects are really complicated. I don't think primary school children could even imagine such questions. I'm making a household collage which is really a time capsule. People will look at my work of art in a hundred years time and know what kind of household products people used in the 21st century."
"I brought you these," Ben said, taking out the pearls. Tanya grabbed them from Ben's hand.
"Thank you," she said. "Great. I'll make them into a necklace."

The next day the mummy had disappeared. One of the history lecturers was speaking to a class of a hundred students.
"Someone has taken the mummy from the history workshop. Does anyone know anything about this? We don't want an exhibit like that to be taken away from this building. It's very valuable."
"I saw Bill take an X ray of it yesterday," said Ben.
"I left it there on the table," said Bill.
"I suppose it must have got up and walked away, then," said the lecturer. Everybody laughed.

A few nights later one of the students held an "I've lost my mummy" party at their house. Everybody had been asked to come in fancy dress. There would be a prize for the best costume. One guest came in an outfit that looked terrifically like an Egyptian mummy.
"That's a brilliant fancy dress costume," said Karl. "We're going to give you First Prize."
"That's because I am the mummy." I was at the party with Crystal. It was about as close to a date as I felt able to get. I didn't want to frighten Crystal by telling her that I was actually in love with her.
"No you're not the mummy," said Karl, laughing.
"Yes I am."
"Karl," said Crystal. "Listen to him, he is. When Bill put him on the X ray machine he came back to life again."
"Came back to life again?" exclaimed Karl. "No." He burst out laughing.
"I am the mummy."
"Prove it," said Karl. "Take off those bandages and we'll see who you really are."
"Karl," said Crystal, "You don't want to do this."
"Yes I do," said Karl. He picked up a small bottle of very expensive whisky. "Take off your bandages and I will give you this bottle of malt whisky. It's First Prize." The dummy took hold of one end of his long bandages with one hand and began to unwind them. A brilliant yellow light came out of him. Everybody screamed. As the bandages fell to the floor, a shiny yellow human figure stood on the floor, from which radiated brilliant yellow light.
"Now do you believe me." Crystal looked at Tanya.
"What's that you're wearing?" Crystal asked.
"It's my necklace."
"Where did you get a necklace like that?"
"I made it in the art department."
"Where did those alien eggs come from?" asked Crystal.
"Is that what they are? Alien eggs? They were in the dummy's case," said Ben.
"Why are they glowing that orange colour?"asked Tanya.
"Because they're just about to hatch," said Crystal. "Give them to me." Tanya took the necklace from her neck and handed it to Crystal. Crystal and the mummy ran to where Crystal had parked her car outside. I followed them. We all got into the car.
"I've got to take them to the safe house," said Crystal, handing the necklace to me while she climbed into the driver's seat.
"What safe house?" I asked.
"A building that I rent on the other side of the city. It's an alien base. I'm the human face of the aliens. If they need a building, they come to me, and I have the driving licence and proof of ID." She drove away at high speed. We arrived at an old house on the outskirts of Yorkshire. We got out of the car. Crystal unlocked the door of the house. We all went inside. Crystal turned the lights on. I handed her the necklace. She handed the necklace to the dummy. The orange glow was increasing and the buzzing grew louder.
"You stay here, look after them," Crystal told the dummy. We returned to Crystal's car. She drove back home.
"Trust the university to muck that one up," I said. "Interfering students."
"No, that was supposed to happen. The dummy was in stasis."
"In stasis?"
"His family have gone to Zeta Reticuli for a short holiday but the spacecraft can only travel at 2 per cent of the speed of light. It takes 1800 years to get there and 1800 years to get back."
"Wouldn't they all be dead?" I asked. "Or even if they live that long, wouldn't it be boring to be stuck on board ship for such a long time?"
"No, the crew are frozen in time. 1800 years would feel like 1800 seconds. Zeta Reticuli is like driving to work. That dummy was put in status until they returned, along with the eggs. The ship is about to return now."

PC Dick and PC Plod approached the house where the alien eggs were being hatched and nurtured by the mummy.
"The neighbors are complaining about the smell," said PC Dick.
"Cor, it is a terrible stink," said PC Plod. PC Plod rang the doorbell. The door flew open. A character in a long cloak, like a medieval monk, stood next to the front door with his back to the policemen. There were animals all over the floor that looked like puppy dogs. PC Plod took a sandwich box out of his shoulder bag and grabbed a small blue dog creature.
"This one's coming with me to the station so the vet can do some DNA tests on it," he said. Another one of the little blue dogs levitated. A blue glow and a humming noise came out of it and it flew. It bit PC Plod's thumb, forcing him to drop the tiny creature he was holding in his hand. PC Dick turned to speak to the figure in the long monkish cloak. "You're breeding animals without a licence. That's against the law. Look at me when I'm talking to you." The figure in the long cloak turned around. "On second thoughts don't. Aaaaagh!"

I was watching a film with Crystal on her lap top in her flat. It had a large 16.5"screen. She had a huge collection of free science fiction films and scientific documentaries she had found on the internet.
"That's not how you make a time machine," she said, looking at the peculiar contraption that somebody was about to climb into on the screen. Meanwhile, somewhere between Rotherham and Doncaster, a flying saucer descended over some overhead power lines to recharge its batteries. The lights in the flat went out. The internet went off as well and the film stopped. A green outline of a flying saucer appeared on the screen of Crystal's laptop. "Go outside and play the flute," Crystal told me. She had been teaching me to play the theme tune from the well known science fiction film, the one her doorbell played. I took my flute, stood outside the flat and played the tune a few times. I then heard the flying saucer answer by playing the tune back to me. Now it had located me. Now it landed in the car park behind the flats.

PC Dick and PC Plod appeared in their patrol car. The door of the flying saucer slid open. The 2 policemen got out of their car and spoke to the 2 glowing yellow figures that were standing in the doorway of the spacecraft.
"Do you come in peace?" asked PC Dick.
"You watch too many sci-fi movie channels," said one of the aliens, as they fell about laughing. "What sort of question is that?"
"They don't come in peace," said PC Plod. "In 5 minutes time the earth will be theirs to use for their purposes."
"What purposes might those be?" asked one of the aliens. PC Plod gave the alien a furious look.
"You're going to destroy all our cities and use the earth as farmland to feed your giant lobsters." The 2 aliens laughed so loudly that one fell on the floor. The other grabbed ahold of the handle on the spacecraft door to try and keep himself from falling as he laughed hysterically.
"Is that what they say on budget movie channels?" he asked.
"How do you know their intentions are hostile?" asked PC Dick. "Our rockets and nuclear weapons are a threat to their existence. They have come to make a peace treaty." The alien who had fallen to the floor had now picked himself up.
"If you could attach a nuclear warhead to a Saturn rocket," he said, "it would take 10 thousand  years to reach our nearest base, Nibiru, which is 4 light days from Earth. It would be travelling so slowly we'd have plenty of time to shoot it down."
"They do a good job these budget movie channels," said the other alien, who was still holding the door handle and laughing. "We couldn't have invented better misinformation if we made it up ourselves." Crystal arrived at the door of the spacecraft and I was with her.
"The eggs have hatched," she said.
"Are they in the safe house?" asked one of the aliens.
"Yes. Jyunorman is looking after them," said Crystal.
"If there are aliens," I asked, "why don't they make themselves known?"
"For the last 70 years we have been making ourselves known. Excuse me, what do we have to do to make ourselves known? Roswell? Hundreds of UFO sightings. I just don't think anyone here knows what we're really like."

Mr and Mrs Smith took a tiny blue dog to the vet to have it microchipped.
"What kind of dog is this?" asked Mr. Smith. "We've never seen a blue dog before."
"Where did you get it from?" asked the vet.
"It was found in a shoebox outside the door of an animal shelter."
"It's not a dog," said the vet.
"How do you know?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"A dog can't levitate," said the vet.
"Levitate?" asked Mrs. Smith. A blue glow came out of the dog's tail. It rose a few inches from the basket it was in into the air.
"This fellow can fly," said the vet.
"We want it to be microchipped," said Mr. Smith.
"I think it's been microchipped already," said the vet, grabbing ahold of a small plastic bolt that came out of the dog's neck between his thumb and forefinger. "It's probably recording everything you say and everything you do."