Special Permission

The congregation sat in the main hall in the International Chistian Centre in Piddledon Newtown. There were about a hundred of them.
"We have decided on our new name," announced Pastor Boris. The name appeared in large colourful letters against an artistic background on the screen. "We shall be called Weedon Reservoir Community Church." Lots of people started laughing.
"Have we changed our name because of the terrible stories about us in the papers?" asked Matthew.
"Yes," said Pastor Boris.
"Capitulation," Maria said. "You shouldn't worry about what other people think of you. We shouldn't have changed our name just because of some silly newspaper reports."
"Maria," said Pastor Boris. "Just pick up your mobile phone and do a Google search for Piddledon Farm." Maria looked at her mobile phone.
"F***** B***** S****."
"Maria," said Rachel. "It's Sunday morning, it's a communion service and you're swearing in front of the children."
"Who suggested Weedon Reservoir Community Church?" asked Stanley.
"I did," said Matthew, "because I thought it was funny."
"We voted for it," said Ruben, "because we thought it was funny."
"The elders were meant to make a decision about which names people would be allowed to vote on," said Stanley. "They weren't supposed to just accept anything."
"I decided on Weedon Reservoir Community Church," said Colin.
"Why?" asked Stanley.
"Because I thought it was funny."
"You voted for the new name fair and square," said Pastor Boris.
"Is it not rude?" asked Stanley.
"It's a unique name," said Pastor Boris. "They won't confuse us with anyone else. There isn't another church anywhere in the world called Weedon Reservoir Community Church."
"It's where we are," said Valerie. "That's what the reservoir is called."

 

It was Monday afternoon. Matthew knocked on the door of Pastor Boris' office.
"Come in," said Pastor Boris. Matthew stood in between Pastor Boris' chair, where he sat in front of his computer, and the door. Pastor Boris swivelled his office chair around. Matthew's eyes lit up, as if he was very excited.
"I would like to ask for Special Permission."
"Matthew, most people ask for Special Permission once in a lifetime, or, if they're divorced, maybe twice. You have asked for Special Permission three times in the last year. What is wrong with you?"
"All these young women keep moving on to the farm. They're such lovely people, they're such dear sisters, they're all my friends. Can you blame me if you fill the farm with beautiful women and I want to go out with them? My feelings are pure. My intentions are honourable."
"I know, Matthew, I couldn't possibly accuse you of lusting after girls, that would be a silly, vulgar, schoolboy feeling, and you're the romantic type. When you fancy someone, you fancy them in style."
"I don't think fancy is a strong enough word. I am in love."
"Who is it this time?"
"I adore Christina." Pastor Boris looked amused, as if Matthew had just cracked a joke.
"Christina? Oh well, at least somebody adores Christina. I suppose that proves that there's someone out there for everyone."
"You don't know the lady. If you knew Christina like I know Christina, you would understand."
"What should I do, saying as Christina is celibate?"
"Pastor Boris, please ask her if she is open to having a relationship."

 

At the dinner table at the farm, Christina looked at Maria, crossly.
"Pastor Boris asked me if I was open to having a relationship. Doesn't he know that I've made a lifelong vow of celibacy?"
"I think if somebody made a vow of celibacy," said Matthew, "and kept it for 30 years, and then, maybe, met someone they really liked, and decided to get married, they haven't done anything wrong. They kept their vow of celibacy for 30 years, didn't they? It seems unkind and cruel to hold them to it for ever."
"It was you, then," said Christina.
"It was Matthew who did what?" asked Beverley.
"Pastor Boris doesn't ask you that question unless someone has asked for Special Permission," said Geraldine.
"I've been asked that question," said Amy.
"So have I," said Ruth.
"Matthew, did you just ask Christina to marry you?" asked Rachel.
"I did not ask Christina to marry me."
"You didn't say it but you thought it," said Christina. "Would you really like to marry me?" Matthew gazed at Christina thoughtfully.
"Yes, the answer's yes." Ruth kicked Matthew's leg under the table. "Amy, could you pass the salt?"
"No," said Amy. "Ask Christina to pass it." Christina passed Matthew the salt.
"Torn between three lovers and feeling like a fool," said Stanley.

 

Matthew went to visit his mother. In the lounge, there was a big cross on the wall with a statue of Jesus on it. His mother proudly put her plastic virgin mary on the table underneath it.
"I've got this new icon," she said. "It's got a rechargeable battery. When you switch it on, its eyes light up and it moves its hands." She pressed the switch on the side of the statue. Its eyes lit up and its hands started moving. She lit a candle in front of it. Her face smiling in extasy, she put her hands together in prayer and gazed at Matthew.
"Son," she said, "you will come to the one true and living way, won't you?"
"Oh Mum," Matthew said, laughing, "I can't join the Jesus Army. It's not there anymore."

 

Matthew drove the evangelism team down to the city centre on Friday night. A hooting noise came from the tram that was stuck behind him.
"25 miles an hour is the correct speed for a main road with hazards, according to the church driving instructor," Matthew protested. "I'm not driving any faster." Stanley was sitting in the front seat of the car. He gazed at Matthew with a look of contempt.
"Something else the church driving instructor told you about," said Stanley, "your inability to read road signs. Matthew, you just drove past a blue circle with a white car in the middle."
"That means it's a bus lane and you're allowed to drive there after half past six."
"No. Matthew, if you see a white car on a blue circle it's a tramline, you're not allowed to drive there at all. Pull over and park the car until the tram goes past. You are going rather slowly."

 

The team arrived in the city centre. Matthew met a homeless man that he knew, who wore a dirty old suit and a cloth cap.
"No burgers tonight Simon," Matthew said, "someone stole the barbecue from the farm car park."
"I know," said Simon, "we stole it."
"How did you get it all the way down here?"
"It's got wheels on. It wasn't very heavy because it had no lid."
"I reversed into it in the car park. It was pitch black at night. I didn't see the barbecue. It fell over and the lid came off."
"It still works."
"How did you carry the Calor gas?"
"Too heavy. I bought some barbecue charcoal. I made £20 begging today. I thought, do I get a bed for the night. No, I'll buy some charcoal for the barbecue and 40 beefburgers."
"But why?"
"Our headmaster at school always got us to say a prayer for those who were less fortunate than ourselves. The homeless are holding a barbecue tonight for people in Piddledon Newton who are struggling to pay their rent and their council tax, or who are waiting ages for their Universal Credit to be paid." A man in a thick sweater and jeans had been standing listening.
"Can I have a burger?" he asked. "I haven't had a good feed for a few days."
"Why don''t you get a job, then?" asked a middle aged man in  a blue suit who was standing behind him.
"I've got a job. They just don't pay me enough. My housing benefit is limited to £270 a month. I can't pay the rent with that."
"Here you are, Sir," said Simon, handing the man a burger in a bun. "I have been eating all day, it's easy being homeless. There's free food over here, there's free food over there, there's free food everywhere. When you give me money don't believe for a moment that I spend it on food. I don't have to. You can eat 3 times a day for free in this town. But those who have to pay rent and council tax, it's a different story." An old lady stopped by.
"I can't pay my gas bill," she said.
"Haven't you got a winter fuel payment?" asked Matthew.
"That's only £300. The gas bill was £1100. I'll have a beefburger, thank you. The doctor says I'm anaemic." Simon looked straight at Matthew.
"Have you often wondered, Matthew, why the International Christian Centre can't rehabilitate homeless people?"
"Yes, I have wondered."
"It's because they're better off living on the streets." Simon looked at the old lady. "You should go to the Cathedral, love, if you've got no food."
"I don't like going there," said the man in the thick sweater and the jeans. "There's some really rough characters who go to the cathedral."
"That doesn't bother you if you're starving," said the old lady.
"Next time you see someone begging in the street, you should ask him where all the free food centres are," said Simon.