More Than Words.

My Step Dad married my Mum when I was eight years old. I remember my Mum asking me, “Do you want his last name or to keep your surname?” I replied, “I want to keep my surname.” I am not sure at what age I was when I realized my new dad did not like me, but he didn’t.

I got on well with my Mum, she was like my best friend. I have always had best friends, throughout my life, but Mum was The Best. I am not sure if it was the close relationship that I had with Mum that Dad hated or if it was because I didn’t choose his last name. Remember at eight, I was a child.

Mum then went on to have two sons with my dad. My  dad wasn’t very nice to me, as the years went by, I realized he hated me, it seemed this seemly lovely quite man loved by everyone he met, had just one enemy in the whole world, Me.

He was the only dad I ever knew, and I desperately wanted him to love me. But he didn’t. He didn’t need to say that he hated me, I just knew it, and so did everyone in the house, my mum and my brothers.

So, in time, as I got older and in my teens, because he was an adult and stronger than me, I would get my own back, and I really hated he sons, my step brothers ‘unofficially’ but my brothers officially, for poor mum would say, “You are all my children, I gave birth you all.” It made no difference to me. He hated me and I made it clear to him I hated them! He might have had the hate but I had the stamina and revenge in my heart!

For thirty minutes each day from 07.30am to 08.00 I had them both to myself! They were at my mercy! I had NO mercy, my hate for them was unbridled, now I would have a conscience, but back then, it was War!

I am not going to go into any details, but I will say, it never ceases to amazes me how kids live to grow up to adult hood and not get killed as a child by their siblings. In the world, some do get killed, bit in general I think it is rare.

My brothers knew I hated them, I am sure I must have told them enough times, even while staring my dad in the eyes. It was war in our house, so it was lovely to get out and be with good honest friends who loved me and I loved them. Throughout the pain of hurt from my dad, I was able to switch off and have a good laugh outside. Laughter kept me sane.

In my teens, I tried to show love to my dad, I would always buy him nice gifts for his birthdays, Christmas, and Father’s Day, the only gift he would ever buy me was Milk Tray chocolates, they were not my favourite chocolates, but Black Magic, I always saw Milk Tray’s as the cheapest one’s money could buy. His sons never got him anything ever. As the years went by, I leant a lesson from my dad, and that was, you can’t make anyone love you. Period.

When I was thirty because of him, I had to leave home, I couldn’t take anymore of the rejection and hate. He had made my life awful, at home, he would do cruel things, and I would, show my mum. His hate for me had grown as the years went by, it had not diminished. I still didn’t know why he hated me, and my brothers, his kids would ask him that very question, “Dad, why do you hate Maxine?” My mum would tell me, as she would be there, but sadly he could never tell his sons why, he just did and I and they knew it.

At thirty I left home, yet he was still able to hurt me and make me cry! People have chances to be nice to kids or to be cruel and nasty to them, my dad chose the latter. My best friend in the world, a single parent, she knew the secret, that dad hated me, for none outside the house  knew except two of my closest friends, I would say to my best friend, “Be careful who you fall in love with, make sure he will love your son too.” Although she was many years younger than I she was wise, and took that information on board.

Dad took very ill and was ill for many years, soon after I moved out, he died. I was devastated, it was on a Saturday when the phone call came, and every Saturday for one year I would cry, thinking of him. Now he would never love me! For I still yearned for his fatherly love. What is that like? I don’t know, I never have him love me, or hold me or say he cared for me, he never said, “Thank you,” For the many gifts I bought him.

You can’t make someone love you, it was SO true, for at the time of his death, there was a song at number two in the UK charts called, ‘More Than Words’ I loved that song. Whenever I hear it, I think of Dad.

Something else Dad taught me, that any man can be a Dad. They just need to be fair and show kindness, all the time.

My brothers and I are all adults now with kids of our own, Dad’s first born remembers well how cruel I was to him and, tells me, and we laugh about it now, I have many times explained to him, the reasons why, it was me a child and then a teenager getting my own back, on his dad that hated me. He 100% knows this for himself, that this is all true, for he has asked his dad many times, “Why?” The reasons why he took to his grave.

Then yesterday, I heard some information, that I had never heard in my life, and it shocked me. I was at meeting, then after the meeting I was in another room, unexpectedly I went back into the room where my brothers were and heard my youngest brother saying about me, “Maxine always said horrible things to me, as a child, and I have never forgotten it, and anytime I have had success in my life, I have said, to myself, “YES, you said, I wouldn’t amount to anything.” I was mortified! My lovely brother, carried on speaking when he saw me, and so I heard all that he had said. I said, “I didn’t know, I am SO sorry, I said to him, “It was because your dad hated me all of my life,” He replied, “I know, I remember he hated you, I had asked him, “Why do you hate Maxine so much? He never gave me an answer.”

Only my brothers were in this room, and again I said, to both my younger brothers, “I am Very sorry, he hated me and I did the only thing I knew to get my own back to him, and that was to hate you both. As adults now, none of us hate each other.” My younger brother said, “None of us hate each other now, then his older brother said, “I really hated you as a child, and I thought, why have I got you as a sister?” Another third brother in the room, who knew all about the hate, towards me, he said something funny and we all laughed. Soon after, we all hugged and went to our different homes.

I was still in shock, when I went home. And saddened that, because of his actions towards me, from age eight, not only did he blight me for half of my life, so much so that he was still able to make me cry in my thirties, but because of him, his own kids suffered too.

That song that was around the time of his death, summed up our ‘relationship,’ ‘More Than Words’ by Extreme. He didn’t need to ever tell me he loved me, I knew he didn’t and he didn’t need to tell me he hated me, I definitely knew that. All his actions and reactions were enough.