Shenanigans - Part 4

 

 

 

 

 

Part 4

A Play

By Paul McCann

continues ,,

 

Mrs Dempsy-“Its not funny “

Tom-”I know (Ha Ha) Mrs Dempsy . Does she have medication . (Ha Ha ) “

Mrs Dempsy –“You think that she’s strange . Just like everyone else around here .Don’t you ?”

Tom –(Ha Ha ) Oh no I’m sorry Mrs Dempsy , Its just the look on your face that’s so funny .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ That’s it . I’ve had enough . You’ll have to go .“

Tom- (Ha Ha ) “ I can’t help it, but it’s given me such a lift . .”

Mrs Dempsy –“ Of you go now. “ 

Tom- “No . I won’t leave until this is resolved .”

Mrs Dempsy – There’s no more to say . You’ve made you point clear .”

Tom – “I can’t walk away from this . I am a man of God and I have certain principles and codes I must live by .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ Its like this Father . She is beyond help . sure if only I could afford to have her cared for in our home , it would make things a lot easier for us both .”

Tom -“Can’t you seek help and have her assessed by the doctor ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“Ah sure and isn’t that what they’d like . She would become the taunt of the town .l Deidre the cuckoo in her Mammys nest .“

Tom – I can’t say what the locals might say but I can tell you there is help out there if you want it .“

Mrs Dempsy –“God bless you Father for understanding .“

Tom –“ Is Deidre your only daughter ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“ No . I have another girl who went to America .”

Tom-“ Is your husband still alive ?“

Mrs Dempsy –“No Sean died after the two boys went to America .“

Tom –“How are your children doing over there ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“They’re doing it tough . Its hard to find work they say .“

Tom –“How often do they write ?”

Mrs Dempsy –“ Now a lot these days . I get a card at Christmas and that’s about it .“

Tom –“ Out of sight , out of mind . “

Mrs Dempsy –“ Where did you say you studied for the priesthood ?”

Tom –“Florida .“

Mrs Dempsy –“Is that anywhere near Texas ?”

Tom-“ Well kind of . Why “ 

Mrs Dempsy –“ Sometimes I get the odd parcel from my daughter with a Texas postmark on it .“.

Tom-“ Oh that’s nice .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ Well I suppose it is if you like oranges .“

Tom –“ Right I see . . Ok then Mrs Dempsy , it is getting dark and I must go .“

Mrs Dempsy –“ That’s what I worried about .“

Tom-“ ’Whats that ? “

Mrs Dempsy –“The dark Father “

Tom – “ Mrs Dempsy there’s nothing to be afraid of in the dark .“

Mrs Dempsy – “If I had paid my electric bill I wouldn’t be worried . But they’ve cut the power off Father .“

(Tom opens his wallet and produces a few notes )

Tom –“Here . Maybe this could go towards the electric bill “

Mrs Dempsy –“ God bless the day you came to my door and you’re your reward will be rich in heaven .“

( Diedre walks back into the room with a broom in her hand )

Diedre –“Another step and I’ll shoot .“

(Tom rises out of the armchair)

Tom –“Right , that’s it I’m off . I hope everything works out for you “ 

(All the lights on stage and the house go out . The sound of traffic and horns blowing are played through the PA . when the lights return on stage the set is back in the front parlour of the presbytery . Tom is seated comfortably in his armchair with his feet up . A moment passes before a loud knock is heard at the front door )

Tom-“ I’m coming . Hang on a minute “. (He opens the door ) Hello there . 
Is everything all right ? Come inside and take the weight off your feet “

(The stranger at the door comes in and says )

Mprris –“ Hello Father . Morris is my name and I was drving past the church when I saw the front light on . That’s why I came to the door .”

Tom –“I see . Do go on Morris “

Morris –“ Well its like this . I’m on my way to visit an old friend and may God be good to him because poor health has him laid out on his bed with a pain in his stomach and kidneys all this week . “

Tom –“So you’ll be wanting a sick visit then Morris .“

Morris –“No Father . It’s a little more than that you see because in my haste to get on the road to visit my friend I forgot my wallet and wouldn’t you know it but sure I’ve run out of petrol . But thanks be to God right at your very door . Now isn’t that providence Father ?”

Tom-“ Well I don’t know .“

Morris –“Well I do Father and it is .“

Tom –‘Is it ?”

Morris –“ You see, there was I sitting out in the car with an empty petrol tank thinking to myself , I suppose I could walk to Birr and back but then I’d be over an hour on the road and maybe get mugged or even worse hit by a passing turck in the dark . Then I had these visions of me being found dead on the side of the road with out a prayer whispered in my ear and then I said to myself hang on , sure isn’t that a presbytery over there . Then I just got all goosepimply and though what a God send . So could you possibly lend me some money until I make my return to pay it back ?“

Tom –“I’m a little short . I’ve just handed over all I had to a widow with a daughter who sleepwalks .“

Morris –“Now I know what you’re thinking . I haven’t seen this man before in my entire life and how do I know I‘ll ever see him again .”

Tom –“‘Its not that at all Morris . I have no money to lend you .”

Morris –“I know but if you look in that top drawer there in the desk you’ll find a small collection box that Father has there for emergencies .”

(Tom reached into the drawer and pulls out the box just as Morris had said )

Tom-“Well , would you look at that . Now Morris tell me , how ever would you have known that was in there Morris ?

Moris “Well Father actually this isn’t the first time I was here . Once before I was on a mercy dash to another friend with a fever .“

Tom – And you ran out of petrol right outside the church ?”

Morris –“Yeah , that’s right .“

Tom –“Listen I am going to give you the contents of this box but you have to promise me that you will bring it back . I cannot account for this money otherwise and I shouldn’t say it but you look like a trustworthy fella So you would do us both a favour now by making that promise to me .“

Morris –“ I’ll do my best now and thank you Father and goodnight .“

(He exits quickly )

Tom-“Jesus there’s a lot of Shenanigans going on around here and where is . Father Andrew gone . He should have been back by now . ”

(Another knock comes to the door . Tom opens it up and finds a drunk )

The drunk –‘ I know its late Father .“

Tom-‘Well it is .”

The drunk –“I know you . See me I love you Father “

Tom –“Come in and try to stay on your feet .“

(The drunk comes in with a bottle in his hand. Swaying back and forth)

The Drunk –“ Father am I glad to (Hic) see you .”

Tom –“ It must be closing time I take it ?”

The Drunk –“ You know everything . Don’t you Father ?”

Tom-” Is there something I can do for you ?”

The Drunk –“I missed the bus .“

Tom –“ What time did it go ?“

The Drunk-‘Well I’m not sure , (hic) but I know its late .“

Tom-“So what do you want . A lift home ?”

The Drunk –“ If I come home like this Father my wife .(Hic) will hook me squarely on the jaw and kick me right back out the front door .“

Tom “We all have our crosses to carry .”

The Drunk-“Maybe so Father but even Jesus had a Simon .“

Tom _Well I can’t argue with that . Listen have a lie down in the spare room here and I’ll ring your wife and explain that you missed the bus . Eh I can’t do better than that .”

The Drunk –“ I’ll never forget this Father . Her name and number is on the front page of Father Andrews phone book . By hook or by crook (hic)
She the first in the book .. aah Aaa.. Ann is her name . Ann from Banna Strand and what a fine girl she is . “

(He collapses on the floor in a heap . Tom drags him away )

Tom –”God be with you whoever you are and sleep well tonight for your dreams are soft and sweet .

(Tom sits down, puts his feet up . Another knock comes to the door)

I’ve just about had enough of this . It’s like Murphys house open all hours !”

(Opening the door abruptly he shouts )
Look I’ve no more money . There are no more beds . I’m sorry but the Priests shop is now shut for the day .

(He nearly closes the door but a firm hand pushes it open wide . The person on the other side of the door walks in . Tom now stands and stares into the face of the person who is now standing in the room . )

If you don’t walk straight back out that door , I’ll call the gaurds .“

The Bishop –“ I take it you must be the Very Reverend Father Thomas ?“

Tom-“And you are ?”

The Bishop –“ Bishop Dean .”

Tom-“ Oh right . I’m so sorry but I never knew .“

The Bishop-“ Is that so ?”

Tom –“ It was all Father Andrew’s idea .”

The Bishop –“You don’t have to explain a thing .”

Tom-“ Father Andrew asked me to sit in for him just for a day . I never meant to do no wrong .“

The Bishop –“ Well and how could you do that .”

Tom-“ I hope you can forgive me your Lordship .“

The Bishop –“There’s nothing to forgive . I was having a nice game of Gold with Father Andrw this afternoon and he was telling me all about his visitor from America . I’m glad to know the parish was in good hands .”

Tom-‘What ?”

The Bishop –“ Well , I’m going to be right up front with you (ahem.) Father ah.. Thomas you see . Andrew had a slight accident this afternoon when one of the other members of the clergy hit a golf ball that collected Father Andrew around about the ninth hole . When he went to fetch the ball back another incident occurred .“

Tom-“Another incident ?”

The Bishop-“ Yes . Father Andrew apparently steeped in to break up an argument on the tenth hole when one of those in the ruckus accidentally hit
Poor Father Andrew with his gold club . Since then he has been unconscious in hospital .“

Tom –“What ?”

The Bishop –“ So Father Thomas it seems he will be in hospital for at least a month .“

Tom-“ What ?”

The Bishop –“I’m sure you realise at present that there is a shortage of priests in the Diocese ? ”

Tom –“ It’s a terrible state of affairs indeed .”

The Bishop-“ So then I know that you must be looking forward to returning to your Parish in America , but I must ask you to remain here with us here for a little while longer . Goodnight and God Bless you .”

(The Bishop walks out the door and the drunk in the corner sings out God Bless America ) 

 

The End