Where to lay the blame?

WHERE TO LAY THE BLAME?
© mmSeason
(my first-ever pantoum)

I'm still deciding where to lay the blame.

Can it be true I simply was a tool?
I suffered guilt, believed you felt the same.
Was I a criminal, or just a fool?

If it is true I simply was a tool,
I don't know if you knew where it would lead.
Was I a criminal, or just a fool,
a girl who didn't know how deep her need?

I don't know if you saw where it would lead
or if you didn't guess the pain we'd find.
This girl, who didn't know how deep her need,
imagined you adored her for her mind.

And if you didn't want the pain we'd find.
perhaps you didn't know how it would end?
Imagining you loved me for my mind,
I broke a friendship that I couldn't mend.

Perhaps you didn't know how it would end,
but you behaved as though your hands were tied.
I broke a friendship, which I couldn't mend.
I never knew how many times you lied.

Yes, you behaved as if your hands were tied:
We couldn't finish what we had begun.
I cannot know how many times you lied –
You let me think I was the only one.

I couldn't finish what you had begun,
so quickly did it grow beyond control.
You made me think you were the only one
and part of you made part of me feel whole.

So quickly did it grow beyond control,
I ached with guilt. I thought you felt the same
and part of me made part of you feel whole.

Now I've decided where to lay the blame.