Dr Agnes

‘Hello and good morning listeners, I of course am Dr Agnes and you are listening to Sunburst radio 97.2. On today’s show we are talking about family feuds and what sparks them. If you, or someone you know is experiencing a family feud please call in on 1800 3832 323. Oh, I see that there must be something in the air as the switchboard is going crazy. So, lets dig in and welcome our first caller, Danielle. Hello Danielle, you are speaking to Dr Agnes. What feud is tearing your family apart?’

‘Hi Dr Agnes, I’m a big fan!’

‘Thank you. Can you tell me a bit about the feud that is tainting your life?’

‘Basically its my mother, she had dementia and is increasingly struggling to perform the most basic of tasks with each passing day.’

‘Oh I’m sorry to hear that. Its hard when loved ones grow old!’

‘I know, right. Anyway, we had a rota as to who would stay with her which night until recently. There are six girls available to stay and my sister Rose had the idea that if we all did five nights a month we’d be covered.’

‘That sounds like a great idea!’

‘Yea, and it worked until mammy swallowed two hearing aid batteries one day and we spent the day in A&E, and then the following week she fell and we ended up in A&E again.’

‘Oh my, before we go any further, might I ask if she sustained any life-threatening injuries?’

‘No, thank God. The batteries passed on their own and apart from her pride taking a bashing, she only suffered from a broken cheekbone and a sprained wrist after the fall.’

‘Oh, well thank god for that!’

‘It just means that now she needs eyes on her around the clock which is impossible as there are only four of us in Waterford, one in Dublin and then my sister Rose in Cavan. So we had to hire help, one girl comes every lunch time for two hours so that the sister who’s on that day can do the shopping or get a bit of headspace, and then we have another lady who sleeps there three times a week. It just means that then one of the four who live down here get their allocated day and that’s it. Then on the weekend the four of us split the two eleven hour days into four time slots evenly when the carer isn’t there; there’s the morning shift and the evening shift, each sister taking one.’

‘Its sounds to me like Russian dolls.’

‘Oh that’s just the half of it.’

‘Go on…’

‘Ok, so my sister in Dublin is great, she comes down twice a month for days on end giving the four of us a complete break from the stress of dealing with someone with dementia, but with Halloween coming next week and me personally having other obligations, she’s really needed three weekends in a row.’

‘That sounds like a lot!’

‘Oh it is…its just too much as she has a bad hip and with the price of petrol…well you get my drift.’

‘I do, I do!’

‘So I simply asked Rose if she could cover the middle weekend, and she answered back, no! She simply refused!’

‘Really?’

‘Yea!’

‘What was her reasoning behind that might I ask?’

‘She has decided that she can no longer help looking after mammy, that she’s too much hard work and she said she would put the money the carer charged into mammy’s account instead!’

‘Well if that’s not a feud……ho hoa!’

‘Yea. And to top it all off we wouldn’t get those days off anyway because the carer would only be there at night so we would still have to cover the days!’

‘So has Rose decided she just isn’t going to provide the much-needed cover this time, or for the future as well?’

‘The future as well!’

‘Do you mind me asking how old your mother is?’

‘She’s ninety-three and is declining rapidly. She keeps thinking that two of her sons and two of her daughters live with her now. One of the sons, who she hasn’t seen in years, lives in England and the other has sadly passed. And as for the daughters, me being one of them, we haven’t lived there in upwards of twenty-five years. I have a twenty-two-year-old daughter for god’s sake.’

‘And how has Rose refusing to help effected the family as a whole?’

‘It just puts more pressure on the four who live down here and my poor sister in Dublin is up and down like a yo-yo. I have to say however, that she has a daughter with a mental health condition and a son with long covid, both of whom have appointments coming at them from all angles and yet she has the time and patience to spend time with her withering mother. Rose on the other hand has a grown up son and a husband and has no obligations.’

‘So, just so I’m hearing you right here, you have three sisters and yourself in Waterford, each taking an allotted day and then sharing the weekends when the carer isn’t there, and a sister in Dublin bending over backwards to spend time with your mother, but Rose is just sending money?’

‘Yes Dr Agnes, that is correct! I mean what sort of daughter just throws money at the situation when the woman has few months left on this earth?’

‘What sort of woman indeed? Let’s open our discussion up and see what others think. Mary on line one, what do you think of Danielle’s predicament?’

‘Well Dr Agnes, I would just like to commend the five sisters who have taken away from their home life to look after their mother, I find ye to be an inspiration to us all. As for Rose, huh, throwing money at the situation is just disgraceful! This is the woman who raised her and she has given up on her…. shameful!’

‘Thank you, Mary, it is, dare I say, insulting to the woman to just throw money at the problem isn’t it, Mary?’

‘It is. If my mother, God rest her soul, ever had reached ninety-three I would do exactly what Danielle and most of her family are doing and rally round to give her the care she deserves from the ones she raised!’

‘Precisely Mary, you knocked the nail on the head there! Next we have Jessica, what do you think about what Danielle is going through?’

‘Hi Dr Agnes, I love your show!’

‘Thank you.’

‘Yes, well I think that if I had a sister like that, I would not have only throttled them by now, but I would also say to myself that I am doing the best for my mother and if you don’t want to do the same, then fine.  I’m going to be able to look back in years to come and say to myself that at least I have no regrets. Rose isn’t going to be able to ever say that. I’d like to add that she isn’t only burning bridges between her mother and herself, but she isn’t going to be able to ever mend fences with her siblings either!’

‘That is a very good point Jessica has made. Danielle, how do you feel towards your sister and your relationship going forward?’

‘Oh she’s after digging her own grave when it comes to us. I mean mammy has been the centre of the family since the birth of the first of twelve children. She scrimped and saved alongside my father in order to give us the best life she could possibly give. She has taught us all how to be great parents and spouses to our own families and its like a kick in the ribs when Rose just throws money at the situation. Money can’t buy you happiness and, in her case, has severed the sisterly bond we spent our whole lives perfecting. She is a disgrace not only to herself but has let mammy down and that isn’t the way we were brought up!’

‘Do you mind me asking, Danielle, if you could ever forgive her in the future?’

‘Plain and simply, no. Let’s just say she isn’t someone I’d be asking to my daughter’s wedding. She has made her bed now and let her lay in it. And to think that she could do this in mammy’s twilight years when her husband buried his father mere weeks ago makes it even harder to take. She should be aware after that funeral that family should come before anything else and she’s just after shooting herself in the foot, not to mention making it harder on the five of us who actually want to see mammy happy and comfortable in the final act of her story!’

‘It’s a lot to think about isn’t it folks? I would like to wish Danielle and her siblings all the best in the future! Now let’s take a break, you are listening to Sunburst radio 97.2, and we are discussing family feuds. 1800 3832 323 if you’d like to chime in.