What she saw...

1.

You
came first,
sweeping
in and up
and around,
with all that was new
and I was

t a k e n

to heights with limits
and one way signs
that pointed in the
other(wrong)
direction.

And everything
might have been
for you
if things hadn't fallen
out of reach
but rather
in hand - to mould
and twist to please
in ways that only
you could know

but there was more
than you and me and love
only space
and less of touch,
or voices that carry

there were families
that could not be left behind
and children's laughter
that would remind me -

you were not mine.

2.

You
left
g a p s
with words and letters
unaware
revelations
would get the better of me
in ways
I did not think possible
with the spanning years
and thousands of miles
that would always
come between us

You,
adolescence
and cigarettes smoked in school bathrooms
you,
now -
in uniforms
that render you, stranger -
to your own father

what would you be
to me
now?

1997 is
a
l i f e t i m e
away

and still
there is this
(palpable)
reminder

that 'what if'
never goes away
and songs will bring you back
with the laugh
that I cannot remember

over
and

o
v
e
r

ad infinitum

3.

You
were there
constant
in all inconstant ways
and I
could not see
the needs
or the blood that thickened
and thinned
with seasons and tides
and promises
that were never kept
only heard
voices that pierced
telling me
(whisperinglaughingmocking)
that I had to rip this apart
to pull myself away.

You
were the one
who would have given it all

and I
was the one
who did not
want it

4.

You

are

here

always

in thoughts
that will not
leave
and jokes
with humour
that begs to be real
and more than just
laughter
that is muted
on glowing screens

You

here

are

a l w a y s.