The Mad Lady and Me

Emily won't eat her dinner. She has a knife in her left hand and she's moving the food around the plate in a circle. It's pale and cold she says. It's cod and mash; I'm eating mine. I always eat my food ' that's why I'm nine stone 7 and Emily is five stone 2. My hips are round but hers stick out like spikes. If the nurses force her to eat, she pretends to throw up and they remove her from the dining room not to upset the other patients.
No one likes Emily ' except me and Jo. Jo says she is going to kiss her when she's asleep. I don't tell Emily this or she'll stay up all night and keep me awake. Even though she snores I prefer it when she's asleep because then I can read without being interrupted.
A new girl came in last night. We heard her shouting and swearing. She was drunk and they put her in a side room. This morning Emily hung around the door trying to see if the girl has hair. Emily likes hair; she likes to brush mine. Her own hair falls out when she washes it. Sometimes she pulls it out when she isn't allowed to watch Coronation Street. I don't like that soap but I watch it so I can tell Emily what she missed.
My uncle calls at visiting time. He gives me money for cigarettes. I tell him about Emily. I want him to meet her but she won't come out. She tells me he reminds her of the man who pulled the bedclothes back. Sometimes I feel sorry for her but sometimes I think she's lying.
She's definitely lying when she says she's going to stay on Isis Ward forever. I tell her if she starts eating her meals and she'll get strong and will be allowed home, but she thinks food is poisonous. She knows that after three months they send you to the Big House. Emily won't go near the Big House; she's afraid Hitler will kill her, or the man with the walking stick will ask if she's his daughter. Jo and I go there. We pretend we are from the Ministry of Funny Walks and march up and down the corridor. And we sing the Spam song and go into the café and ask for spam sandwiches. The woman behind the counter doesn't laugh. Jo says she's a dried up old dyke.
Sarah used to come to the café with us. She bought us lemon cakes and made us to sing Every Sperm is Sacred. Jo used to fancy Sarah but that's not the reason she went away. I went for ECT one morning and when I came out she was gone and no one seems to know where she went. I miss Sarah ' she used to help me glue holly on Christmas cards. Jo doesn't have ECT; she tried to stab her mother with an African spear but the doctors say it won't do her any good.

The new girl's name is Jackie; she comes out for breakfast. She has long brown hair and misses the first letter off words. Me and Jo copy her and go round all day saying, 'See 'at 'oman over 'ere.' Jo wants Jackie to get angry so she can tell her to 'uck off' but she doesn't ' she thinks we're funny and does our ironing. She even irons socks. She wants to know who Emily is.
Emily is running a bath. There are bubbles all over the floor. She's used a whole bottle of bath foam. I try to mop up with a towel but the nurse yells at me to get out. This upsets me and when I tell Jo, she thumps the wall and says she wants to beat her up. I give Jo my cigarettes to calm her down. The nurse isn't happy because it's almost visiting time and the whole ward smells of lavender.
Jo doesn't have any visitors tonight and I only get one a week so she says we should go to the King's Arms. Last time we went there, Sarah came too; she tried to slit her wrists with a broken glass.
We put on makeup and our good clothes and sneak out the back door. We'll be back by nine and the nurses won't even know we've gone. Emily won't come ' if she drinks alcohol with her medication she gets dizzy. Me and Jo put our pills down the sink.
We are getting to know the locals in the King's. We tell them we are students. They buy us lager and feed the jukebox. Our limit is three pints each. On the way back we chew mints.
We can hear screaming as we walk up the drive. The nurses are in the side room and don't care that we're late. One nurse is holding Jackie's arms behind her back and the other is holding her legs they are tying to get her in bed. Jackie is having a fit because she can't find her bubble bath. She says she will strangle whoever stole it. I tell Emily to hide under the bed but she is laughing out loud. Even when Jackie has an injection, Emily won't stop. Jo is getting angry now and threatens to pull out the rest of her hair. She goes crying to the nurses but they don't take any notice because they are on a break.
I tell Emily I will tell her a story if she'll keep quiet. She loves stories. If we can't sleep, we sit on the bed and smoke and I tell her about the little girl who ran away from home because her mother fed her slops. Emily likes the part where the girl is given sweets by a policewoman. It should be a policeman but Emily doesn't like stories with men in them 'unless it's Father Christmas or God. She didn't have a father and her mother thinks she doesn't exist. Sometimes I think I love Emily ' but not the same way Jo does. I loved Sarah too. I make Emily promise that when I come back from ECT tomorrow she will still be here. She gives me her word.