Manifesto for Women

We are
tired of screaming and shouting and dishonesty and people laughing and talking over the news when it shows world pain and disaster, but shutting up for the football scores, and we are driving too fast and eating too much and watching too much TV and not getting enough sleep and never going to the gym or seeing our friends and lying awake at night, making lists of things to do, (one of which is always get more sleep), and tying shoelaces while making sandwiches and feeding the baby (so no wonder we don't always look perfect) and yawning and running out of mascara because there's no time to shop for ourselves and fantasising about Robbie forgetting the name of your boss's wife and our children's teacher and remembering your mother's birthday, (even though she never remembers ours), and reading trashy novels and dreaming of life in a hot country

We say
shit bugger prick and fuck, unless our parents or the kids are around (or your mother) and that's nice and well done and you choose and great job and please and thank you

We want
a bit of peace and quiet, just for five minutes to have a hot bath and to drink a glass of wine (without your mother glaring at us) and to be brought flowers for no apparent reason and someone else to clean the bathroom and hoover the carpets and Angelina Jolie's breasts and Jennifer Anniston's hair and all clothes in all shops everywhere to fit perfectly and look amazing (we never said we were realists) and alcohol to be calorie free and not make us go red and dance like we've been electrocuted and free lip balm and shoes and for diets to take in to account the need for extra sugar when we have PMT or your mother is visiting or it's Thursday and for our friends to call and say they've won a holiday to Barbados and they're taking us along and all women everywhere to be honest about how damn hard life is and to say 'oh, just lighten up' to your sister when she moans about the price of toothpaste (or whatever the fuck it is she's saying) and to be given too much money by the people at the bank and too little work to do by our boss and for it to be sexy to be normal and free cake every day at 11:00am

(If you agree with the above manifesto, please write to your local MP with a copy of thee demands¦ go on ¦ you never know.)