The Grane Bonsai Tree

By Ossy Gobbiner

Tue, 29 Jul 2014

719 reads

5 comments

Contorted windswept solitary sits the Grane Bonsai tree

Curiously twisted, contemplated throughout Granes history

Was nature the artist who shaped the driftwood that we see

Environment along with grit stone rejected symmetry

Time shaped and nurtured cruelly during its struggle for life

Its natural beauty distorted throughout centuries of strife

Who knows what sights it witnessed within the confines of Rushy Hill

Pedlars beggars, workers left silent at Clough Head mill

It’s painfully misshapen branches provide haven for creatures of the moor

Bitter winds and acid rains refuge for all below

Has its deformed beauty been styled to reflect our human ideals

Will the artist’s secret teaching ever be revealed?

Certificate U

Poem

Historical Fiction

Comments

Another good one Ossy. Is

Permalink Submitted by scratch on Wed, 2014-07-30 08:03

Another good one Ossy. Is 'Grane' a place name?

Hi Scratch, yes Grane is a

Permalink Submitted by Ossy Gobbiner on Wed, 2014-07-30 08:43

Hi Scratch, yes Grane is a place , used to have 1600 people or so living there until progress put in a number of reservoires and now just a few live in the valley, it's near Haslingden in Lancashire. Have been researching and writing poems etc about it over the last three months.

I thought so. You've done a

Permalink Submitted by scratch on Wed, 2014-07-30 08:57

I thought so. You've done a good job with this.

One observation if I may?

I appreciate that you are looking to preserve the rhyme (which for the most part you do well) but I really would advise an edit for this part:

"Time shaped and nurtured cruelly during its struggle for life

Its natural beauty distorted throughout centuries of trouble and strife"

The italicised 'trouble and strife' err too much towards cliche and in my opinion seriously weaken the opening section. It's easily put right by simply deleting 'trouble'. I've had a fairly close look and the metre is loose enough already for that suggested edit to not cause a problem. Again these are simply my subjective opinions. Congratulations on a second cherry pick too.

Thanks Scratch, really good

Permalink Submitted by Ossy Gobbiner on Wed, 2014-07-30 09:09

Thanks Scratch, really good advice from you here, struggled a bit with those couple of words, really want to avoid to many cliches, have made the quick edit you suggest,. Thanks.

You're welcome. Yes it is

Permalink Submitted by scratch on Wed, 2014-07-30 09:21

You're welcome. Yes it is better for the edit. Regarding cliches - avoid them all at all costs - they are unwelcome imposters. Poetry is even more susceptible to their corrosive misbehaviour than prose!

Really the only time that cliches are remotely acceptable in any creative writing is when they appear in dialogue. We often speak using cliches in real life and therefore their use in narrative dialogue is ok, it can even sometimes help to build a picture of an individuals character. Other than that they are a heinous enemy of prose and poetry alike! I'll shut up now, lol.