The Santa Claus problem

I was woken early one Christmas Eve by a hammering on my back door.

 

“What is it?” I shouted down the stairs.

 

“It’s Santa Claus, Jed,” said Alun, “He’s been.”

 

“Are you sure?” I said, as I dressed and rushed downstairs. It seemed unlikely. “He usually comes tonight. I know they say Christmas starts earlier every year, but this is ridiculous.”

 

“It’s true Jed, look.” He held up a pair of bulging Christmas stockings. I quickly checked at the foot of my bed, and sure enough, Santa had been to visit me as well.

 

“How come he’s so early?” I asked.

 

“It’s the new Santa, Jed. It’s his first Christmas, he must have gone the wrong way round the world.”

 

“The wrong way round the world?”

 

“He travelled East to West, so he gained a day.”

 

“Like in that book, around the World in 80 Days.”

 

“Exactly like that Jed.”

 

“Gosh, there are a lot of Jules Verne references in our lives right now. If we were in a book you’d say that the author was overly influenced by him.”

 

“Anyway, Jed, because Santa travels so fast, it meant he arrived back home before he left, meaning everyone’s got their presents a day early.”

 

“Well at least we got presents this year, not another note telling us we’d been too naughty.”

 

“We can’t leave it like this Jed. Think of all the disappointed children around the world. And not just children, there’s the grownups with child-like minds, Santa always visits them as well.”

 

“There’s not much we can do, not unless you want to visit the homes of every single child in the world, hide their presents, then go back later, revisit every house and put their presents back.”

 

“That’s exactly what I want to do, Jed. Every child, and every adult with a child-like mind, deserves to get their presents on Christmas Day, not the day before. Otherwise it just wouldn’t be special.”

 

“It can’t be done. There are just too many people to visit.”

 

“Santa does it. Nobody ever questions that.”

 

“But he’s Santa, he’s got a magic sleigh, and reindeer. We’ve just got a rowing boat and six geep.”

 

“We can ask the boatman to give us a lift, Jed.”

 

“The boatman? But she’s just got a normal boat, it’ll never get us round the world twice in a day.”

 

“We have to at least try Jed, otherwise we’ll be letting down the children.”

 

I knew it was a mad scheme that would never work, but sometimes you just have to let Alun get his way until he realises he’s wrong. I let Alun lead us down to Boatdock Bay to meet the morning boat. 

 

“So, you want me to sail around the world so that you can hide all the little children’s presents before they get up,” the boatman repeated when we told her our plan.

 

“That’s right,” Alun said, “and the presents for adults with child-like minds, Santa visits those as well.”

 

“Well I would help you dears,” she said, “but it’s Christmas Eve tonight and Mr boatman always cooks me kippers for tea. It’s a tradition. A once a year treat.”

 

“Well, that’s that,” I said, “it was a nice idea, but we can’t deprive the boatman of her annual kipper.”

 

“Nonsense Jed, we’ll just have to try plan B.”

 

“And what’s plan B? Does it actually involved leaping onto the back of a bee and hitching a lift round the world?”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous Jed. Sometimes I think you’re living in a fantasy world. No, Plan B is asking Death to give us a lift.”

 

“Death? The Grim Reaper. We ask Death to help us hide Santa’s presents?”

 

“Why not Jed. You covered for Death that time he died, if you remember. He owes you one.”

 

“But Death only ever travels to those souls he’s collecting, he doesn’t visit every house in the world.”

 

“He does Jed.”

 

“Well, yes, eventually I suppose, but not on the same night. He’s one visitor you really don’t want to come early.”

 

“But he has the same power as Santa, Jed, that’s my point, he can stop time, he can travel faster than light, faster than time itself, he is ideally positioned to help us hide Santa’s presents.”

 

“Even if I agreed I wouldn’t know how to summon him,” I said. “Just because I helped Death out once doesn’t mean he’s constantly at my beck and call.”

 

At that moment Death appeared.

 

“Shit,” I said. “I’m not dead am I? Only I’m writing a story and I’m only halfway through.”

 

“You’re not dead,” Death said, “You summoned me.”

 

“Did I? How? I wasn’t even trying.”

 

“You don’t want me then?” Death said. “I may go?”

 

“No,” Alun shouted, for Alun too could see Death. “We wanted to ask you a favour.”

 

“So you did summon me. Well then, what is it?”

 

“Ah. We were wondering if you wouldn’t mind helping us. Only …” I struggled to find the words, so Alun took over, explaining the problem of the early presents and his ingenious plan.

 

Death stared at Alun in the way only Death can stare, with empty black-hole eyes, which leaves you feeling he is sucking the very soul from your body, which, in his usual role, he is of course.

 

Silence overwhelmed us for a long time and we could tell that Death was thinking, as the whole Earth was chilled, as if he was draining it of warmth and energy in order to fuel his mind. Eventually he spoke.

 

“You want me to cease in my eternal duty of collecting the souls of the dead, so that you can hide the presents of every child and child-like adult in the world?”

 

“Er, yes.”

 

“To break my immortal bond with life-kind, to go against the order I have governed for eternities.”

 

“Yes,” Alun repeated. As a special favour.”

 

“Oh go on then, it is Christmas. I shall stop time so that you may travel the world.”

 

“We’ll also need help with the travelling part.”

 

“And,” I said, thinking on my feet, “we’ll probably need a bit of help with the hiding part. Children are really good at searching for hidden presents, if you could open up a bit of your 6th dimension for us.”

 

“You want me to bend the rules of space so that you can hide the presents around a corner that isn’t there.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

“Oh very well. Just don’t tell anyone, it’s bad for the image.”

 

And so we set off, to travel the entire world twice in a day, visiting nearly every house and hovel on this great globe.

 

I achieved a lifetime’s exploration in a single day. As an off-mainlander who has never even ventured as far as the mainland, I was overwhelmed by the sights and the smells of this great world – the vast cities, the great mountains, impossible deserts, a world beyond description. And yet, like any tourist on too long a trip, I soon grew tired of the newness, of the wonder, of the beauty, of shoving yet another Barbie up a sixth-dimensional chimney. Yet again Alun had set me some impossible chore, like a greek god playing a joke on a hapless mortal.

 

It was lucky that Death had stopped time for us, as it took a seeming eternity to visit every house in the world and hide the presents. Eventually, though, we finished hiding the last two sets of presents, our own. I collapsed exhausted, just wanting to fall asleep where I lay.

 

“Now we have to hide,” Alun said.

 

“Hide?”

 

“Yes Jed, we travelled East to West, which means we’ve arrived back before we left. We have to hide so that you and me don’t see us.”

 

“Okay,” I said, “I think I’m following. But where shall we hide? It’s a tiny island. We’re bound to notice ourselves.”

 

“Honestly Jed, you spend an entire day hiding things and you can’t even hide from yourself for a few hours. Use your initiative.”

 

Alun was right, as a result of our mission we had both become experts at hiding and we easily kept out of our own way until it was time for us to leave again.

 

The return journey took even longer, as we proved far too good at hiding presents and hadn’t made a note of where we’d hidden them. We spent a seeming eternity rummaging around in the sixth dimensional hidey-holes. However, we eventually finished and returned home.

 

“Well, I think we’ve definitely deserved our presents this year. I hope I got that can of mainlander-repellent I asked Santa for,” I said brightly.

 

But my good cheer didn’t last. Alun had a grave announcement.

 

“We’ve missed Christmas Jed.”

 

“Missed Christmas?”

 

“We went the wrong way round the world, West to East, meaning we lost 24 hours. It’s Boxing Day, Jed.”

 

“Oh well, at least we got presents. It’s just as good to open your presents on Boxing Day.”

 

“Are you mad? Of course it isn’t. It’s the saddest thing in the world opening presents on Boxing Day. And we’ve missed everything, Christmas dinner, Christmas pudding, Christmas crackers, even Christmas TV.” Alun loves nothing more than complaining about the poor quality of Christmas Day television.

 

“Well there’s nothing we can do about it.”

 

“Yes there is, Jed, call Death, tell him we need to go round the world again right away.”