The Sooty Problem

I was woken early by a hammering on my back door. I quickly dressed and rushed downstairs, where I found Alun with a yellow glove puppet on his left hand.

"It's Sooty, Jed," Alun said. "He's moved to Happy Island."

"But why would Sooty come here?" I asked. "It's a terribly isolated island, you and me are the sole inhabitants. Sooty's a TV star, used to the big city, a world of fame, fortune and adoring fans."

Sooty whispered something in Alun's ear. "Sooty says that his TV show was canceled recently so he's taken the opportunity to retire somewhere quiet by the sea. He wants to live in isolation."

"Well he's certainly come to the right place for isolation," I said. "Yellow glove puppet aside, it's years since we had any visitors at all."

Sooty whispered something in Alun's ear.

"Sooty says 'That's perfect, just what he wants'. But we have to go now."

"Go where?" (Happy Island is very small and there isn't actually anywhere to go).

"We've got work to do, Jed," is all Alun said.

After Alun and Sooty had left I made coffee and breakfast, followed by a post-breakfast coffee. During this time I heard lots of distant banging, which indicated the Alun and Sooty were busy doing whatever it is they were doing.

After a second post-breakfast coffee I decided to take a stroll round the island, to find out exactly what it was Alun and his new friend were up to. I found them by the sea front, where Alun was installing a lectern. He had been busy, all along the seafront were desks, lecterns and tables.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Installing this lectern, Jed," Alun said.

"But why?"

"Adaptation, Jed. Every island in this archipelago has its own ecosystem, we have our unique species of beetle, grass, butterfly, lobsters, cauliflower, every single plant, every single animal has evolved around the other and the quirks of the island, its soil structure, its climate, its tides, making it a unique pocket of life; distinct from the life-pockets of every other island in the archipelago . It was just such a series of ecosystems which alerted Darwin to the theory of evolution and thus implanted the first roots of modern biological science."

"That doesn't explain why you're building a lectern for Sooty."

"My point is, Jed, that glove puppet life never evolved on Happy Island, hence the need for subtle adaptations. Now if I stand here, Sooty can appear from behind this lectern, without my hand being obvious."

"Hello," squeaked Sooty from behind the lectern.

"Hello Sooty," I said.

Sooty whispered something in Alun's ear.

"We can't stand here all day chatting, Jed," Alun said. "We've got an entire island to adapt to Sooty-style specifications."

The next morning I was woken early by the sound of hammering, clearly adapting Happy Island for its new resident was going to be a major task.

I slowly dressed and made my way leisurely downstairs where I made myself a coffee, breakfast and post-breakfast coffee.

Later than morning Sooty and Alun called round.

"Hello Alun," I said. "Hello Sooty," I added.

Sooty whispered something in Alun's ear.

"I've been thinking," Alun said. "It's a bit lonely here for Sooty, as the only glove puppet on the island. How about if we invite Sweep to visit for a short while?"

"That's up to you," I said.

"No it's not, Jed," Alun said. "I can't keep puppets on both hands, you'll have to look after Sweep.

He'll be no trouble though, just a glove puppet on your hand, and it'll keep Sooty company."

That afternoon Sweep arrived and moved onto my left hand. He was perfectly comfortable and I didn't feel any different. Sweep and Sooty had an enthusiastic chat while Alun and I watched.

Afterwards Sooty whispered in Alun's ear.

"I've been thinking, Jed," Alun said. "Now we've got both Sooty and Sweep here together why don't we build them a play area?"

"What, like a sandpit?"

"No Jed, like a TV set, the type they're used to. Somewhere they can play around and get up to mischief."

"But I thought they'd retired."

"They have Jed, but they've been on TV for decades, a TV set is the only environment they're comfortable in, it would be like asking ferrets to move out of my wellies," (Alun's ferrets have lived in his wellies for four decades now, and woe betide anyone who tries to move them).

The rest of the day we spent building a TV set, and after we finished Sweep and Sooty had such a lovely time playing in it that I was exhausted and collapsed fast asleep the second I got home.

The next morning I was woken by Sweep, whispering in my ear. I quickly dressed and rushed out to find Alun and Sooty, who I found playing on the site of the new TV set.

"I've been thinking," I said, "We could use the Happy Island satellite TV station to broadcast a new Sooty show." Happy Island has had it's own TV station for over a year now. Alun had been bored one morning and had decided to build and launch a new TV satellite. He used to to broadcast footage of sea bass, the only thing that makes him relax.

Alun and Sooty looked at each other, each of them taking in my surprising suggestion. Sooty whispered something in Alun's ear.

"Why not, Jed," Alun said. "The sea bass are only on a couple of hours per day, so we might as well use the station as we've got a set and two bona fide TV stars."

We spent the rest of the day filming a pilot show, which we watched in the evening. After discussing the pilot it was agreed that we'd film and broadcast a full series, entitled Sooty Island, which featured Sooty and Sweep wreaking havoc on an isolated island where they were the only inhabitants. Alun and I were recruited as scriptwriters, a task which proved easier than anticipated. In no time at all we'd written an entire series.

"It's amazing how many ideas you can come up with using just two cast members and an isolated island, Jed," Alun said.

"Yes, it's ridiculously easy, I'm amazed more people don't do it."

The new TV series proved an unexpected hit, with Sooty's fans from the mainland tuning in. Not only did the show prove more popular than Alun's sea bass, it actually had higher ratings than the new mainland TV kids' show.

I was woken early the next morning by a hammering on my back door. It was Alun, sans Sooty.

"It's Sooty, Jed," Alun said.  "He's left."

"So has Sweep," I said. "Where have they gone?"

"To the mainland, Jed. They've been offered a new TV show on Mainland TV, on the back of the success of Sooty Island."

"But I thought they'd retired."

"It was a lie Jed, they were just manipulating us so they could access Happy Island TV. They used us like puppets."

Life felt different without Sweep and Sooty, but it soon returned to normal. We had planned to remove the 'adaptations' the puppets had made us build, but these were already adapted to life on the island, adult ravens were using the lecterns to lecture their young on the basic principles of ravenhood, and a gang of squirrels had taken over the tables which they were using to play poker, using acorns and pine kernels as stakes.

"We'd best leave the tables and lecterns Jed," Alun said, "They're part of the island now."

"We can at least take down the TV set," I said. But I was wrong. The sea bass were there, each in individual motorized fish tank, and were busy filming a new TV show.

"It looks like the sea bass have finally realised the potential of having their own TV channel, Jed," Alun said. "They're making a pitch for the kids TV market."

"Is their really much of a market for a group of seabass in motorised fish-tanks mucking around on an abandoned Sooty set?"

"You'd be surprised Jed. There are a lot of worse things on TV. There's no accounting for mainland taste."

And so life on Happy Island goes on, exactly as before, but completely different, ever-adapting, ever-surprising, ever-familiar, like a puppet routine you've seen a million times before but are still surprised and delighted by next time around.