Daniel

I've earned the right to call him a spaz. I’ve earned the right taking him every morning to that playgroup. Jesus, you should see some of the kids there. There were some there that couldn't move but to jerk violently having some kind of fit. Some that would suddenly scream like they were in the most horrific pain imaginable. Thank god Daniel was fairly ok, at least you could have a conversation with him.

For five years I've taken him and then picked him up and after seven years of practically being a dad to him I can call him goofy and take the piss out of his gormless moon face, his sticky-out hair and ears. It’s sad that people have become so sensitive, they can’t take jokes anymore. Don’t get me wrong though because I love him and if anyone were to hurt him I'd kill them.

We’d been out loads as a threesome before I moved in with Sarah. She said one day that he trusted me and that it was very rare for him to warm to someone as much had with me. I was in one of the many difficult stages in a man’s life. I was on the cusp of adulthood and was getting a kick out of responsibility. I know that sounds a little sick, like I was using Daniel to puff up my ego but it felt good. I could say ‘I've got shit going on in my life, probably worse than you, and I'm dealing with it.’ But at the end of the day, to coin a football cliché, even if it was for the wrong reasons, it was good for Daniel.

One day on the way home, as usual, Daniel wanted to walk along the wall at the top of our road. I helped him up and held his hand as he steadily made his way forward.
"Come on." I sighed, it was slow progress. The wall was so wide I could’ve sprinted up and down it all day long without any trouble.

Inside the flat he ran into the front room and switched on the tv virtually pressing his face to the screen or as near as dammit. I went through to the kitchen and threw my keys onto the table. There were a couple of messages from Sarah on the machine so I gave her a call, poking my head through to check on Daniel.

"Hi babe." I said.
"Hi you." She answered.
"I got your message.”
"I need to talk to you Phil."
Daniel came through to the kitchen and headed to the cupboard and began to rummage.
"No Dan." I said. "Dinner won't be long."
"What's he up to?” Sarah asked on the other end of the line.
"Just one." Daniel pleaded.
"He wants a chocolate bar is all?" I said to Sarah then quietly to Daniel, cupping the phone: "Maybe after your dinner."
"Have you taken his blood sugar levels today?" She asked.
"Yeah, they’re fine." I lied but only because she gets all worried unnecessarily.
"I said no Daniel!" I snapped getting a little annoyed. Greedy fucker.
"Look I’ll talk to you when I get home, but it's important. Ok?" Sarah hung up before I could answer.

I once called Daniel a Mongoloid in front of Sarah. It just kind of slipped out. I meant it as a joke obviously, heavily laden with my trade mark ironic wit. She went ballistic. She said that he shouldn't have to put up with terms like that, especially not from the people supposed to be looking after him. It took ages to calm her down. I said that he didn't know what it meant. Plus the simple fact it was only a joke. She forgave me in the end. She said in perspective it meant I was comfortable with his condition or something.

"What do you fancy for tea, Dan?" I said Cutting up carrots.
"MacDonald’s?" He asked hopefully.
I laughed, nice try.
"How about stew, you like stew, remember?"
He turned his nose up.
"It's hamburger stew. Mmmm. Like cowboys eat." I said, which seemed to satisfy him and he waddled back to the tv.

We have to be really careful about what he eats. His weight is always on the verge of ballooning up out of control. 'Poor guy' I thought cutting myself a piece of chorizo sausage and eating it. I was thinking once I'd finished here I'd be able to fit in a sneaky hour on the Gamecube and then when Sarah gets back we'll eat and I have just enough time to meet Graham for squash.

"A game for Wankers." Sarah had said once. She had a point.

Sarah was fit, she always was. I was lucky as she seemed to not get any older, or at least ageing was very kind to her. Even after having Daniel she managed to stay in great shape.

"I'm pregnant." She said. I seriously had to stop myself from asking if it was mine or not. Not that I thought that it was someone else's more like I couldn’t believe I was going to be a dad. Oh, I don't know, how do you react to news like that? I’d never gotten anyone pregnant before. I called Graham and cancelled squash.

Daniel came running in to see what the fuss was. She told him about the baby and how he was going to have a little brother or sister. I don’t think he understood but he got all excited anyway and started jumping around like loon. He could see that me and Sarah were buzzing.
"When’s it coming?" He asked, as if it was going to pop out the next day. It was really cute.

On the day Patrick was born Sarah said she thought I was an amazing person for not asking about the chances my son could be born Downs. It didn't even cross my mind.

Holding the baby in my arms I realised something that I wish I hadn't. It was a horrible feeling like a gutful of stones, like things were changing too quickly out of my control, out of my grasp. I can tell you, ignorance is definitely bliss.

Saying it out loud it sounded terrible. I realized that I could never love Daniel even half as much as I loved Patrick. I felt bad but I knew I could keep it to myself and things could go on as normal. And they did.

I’ve always thought the truth was overrated. I can only imagine the utter chaos world would be in if everyone knew the truth about everything.

Work was getting tougher, but I could handle it, milking the baby thing when I needed to. Daniel was growing up super fast. He was massive now and a real handful. Getting him into bed was a problem as he never wanted to and we couldn’t make him, he was so strong. Even when he gave me a black eye I didn’t retaliate. I think most men would have hit back in some way.

"Daniel, your growing a little beard." I pointed out one day.
"Leave him alone Phil." Sarah said.
"Take a look at his tache!"
"Oh stop it!"
"No look. I'm not joking, we're gonna have to something about that, he can't go round looking like Salvador Dali!"
"It's not that bad." Sarah said gently moving Daniel's face away from the telly and towards her.
"Get off." He said, grumpy.
"He watches me when I shave all the time, he must be getting curious. Maybe it’s time he grew up a bit. I mean, I could show him or at least give him the once over."

In the bathroom I lathered my face up although I didn't need to as I'd already shaved that morning but I knew Danny wouldn't do it if I didn't do it. I handed him the cream. He wasted no time rubbing it all over his face. He had so much on his face all the way up his cheeks. I laughed. I slid some of the cream off my face with the back of the razor and rinsed it under the tap. I gestured to him and he pointed his cheek towards me. I slide the razor smoothly down his cheek and he didn't bat an eyelid. His cheeks didn't need doing but I thought start small and not scare him. I did his sideburn and he jumped a little, as the first hair was plucked out.
"It's ok." I said in a hushed voice. Nice and calmly I did some more of my face.
I saw Sarah smiling stupidly in the doorway.
"Get out." I said. "This is man's work, right Daniel? We demand privacy, ugg!" I grunted and closed the door and Daniel giggled.

The whole time he'd been great, he was really enjoying it. He’d stood there patiently locked in a kind of comatosed bliss. I'd almost finished but there was just that tricky bit on the neck. I crouched down and held the blade to his throat. Slicing downwards the hair was plucked off. All but two long strands remained matted against his skin. I gave it another stroke downwards and they stayed plastered down. I couldn't keep doing it downward, it'd start to get sore. I could imagine that if happened or I were to cut him he'd never let me do it again but these two hairs were bugging me. So I gave it one more try but this time upwards and it worked. The hairs sliced down to a stump.

Aaah, domestic bliss. We had a perfect family unit and it was firing on all cylinders.

Patrick was in his terrible twos. He had been crying for ages, Sarah usually dealt with him. I held him in my arms and swung him back and forth. Daniel came through to the kitchen and asked for something to eat. I ignored him, irritated, concentrating on getting Patrick down. Daniel seizing the opportunity by the neck and with a brutal yet silent efficiency opened the cupboard and fished a penguin bar from the biscuit box.
"Oi." I said "Put that back. Now!" I was in no mood. He stood there looking at it and grumbled that he wanted it. I said I didn't care he wasn’t having one and he began to grizzle in front of me. I just snapped I was so angry.
"If you want it, have it!" I threw it on the floor. He picked it up unwrapped it and bit into it.
"And how about another one?" I said emptying the box out onto the table. I began handed him biscuits and chocolates.

He ate two without any resistance. But the third I had to shout at him to get him to eat. By now Patrick was screaming so loud. Daniel was sobbing with snot running from his nose and chocolate crumbs on his wet lips.

I guess I was teaching him, we'd told him a thousand times. He’d never want another chocolate bar again. His body would learn that it just couldn't handle them.

When he went into shock I just stood there and watched. I couldn’t move, like I was miles away. It took a good few moments for me to snap back. I phoned for an ambulance and gave him some insulin.

Me and Sarah are the only people who Daniel lets give him insulin. I always thought that when Patrick was older Daniel might let him do it too.

I'd told Sarah what had happened, that he sneaked a chocolate bar while I was putting Patrick down. I forgot about it all pretty quickly, carried on as normal. Why dredge it up? Sarah was fine with it eventually, I was sorry it happened and wasn’t going to do it again. So, no harm done. For a while I did have a few panicky moments but they have past. It doesn't bother me now.