City Hall: An Autobiography, Chapter 1

It is raining today. It always seems to rain on Mondays. The bus is crowded. It always seems to be crowded on Mondays.

There is standing-room only. Passengers soaking wet. Umbrellas dripping with smelly city-acid-rain. The bus smells like a wet cat. The vehicle screeches, well, slides to a halt at another red light.

I ride the Number Six bus to City Hall from the subway station every day.

Who am I? I am Jake. I am 38 years old. I have lived in Toronto for 39 years. I am introverted. I don’t like people. People suck. I have seen this city grow from a thriving, exciting pond with goldfish and toadstools and butterflies, into a cesspool of stagnant moss-filled water with dead leaves and flying-stinging insects. This is my home. Like it…or not.

I stepped off the bus just before Queen Street. A huge-ass streetcar rumbled by clanging its bell. I walked through the Square, stepping over the homeless guy taking shelter under a pedestrian overpass. He gurgled something at me. I gurgled back.

I snaked around the ground floor of the City Hall and up the back stairs, trying my best to avoid the Boss. The Mayor-Man. You see, I did not work for the City directly. I was the mayor’s assistant. Hired by the mayor, for the mayor. I do not have all the perks other city employees get. Like days off, breaks, a pay cheque, and for sure the Mayor-Man would fry me for being late…again. But, Mayor-Man was not around. Of course he’s not. He’s the mayor. Why would he be at City Hall?

Goody-two-shoes, Judy, was already at her desk, working. I hate her. What a goody-goody boss’s pet.

A simple girl, African-Canadian, 28, with a remarkably good-looking “doo”. Her hair was the only nice thing about her. Judy also worked for the mayor, and he liked her. Damn it, I hate her. So…goody-goody, always at work, never late, always kissing the boss’s fat arse. Screw off and die.

“Good morning, Jake”, she said, with that “So-Goddamned-happy-to-be-at-work” smile of hers.

“Hi”, I said bluntly.

“You know, you’re exacly twelve and a half minutes late?”, she directed.

“Oh, really?”, I said sarcastically.

“Yes, and the mayor is looking for you.”, she said in her “Ah-ha-you-are-so-in-crap” voice.

I put my soaking wet jacket on one of the City-provided coat racks. These highly-sophisticated engineered coat hangers are specially designed for your jacket to fall off just as you walk away from it. Just as mine did, conveniently after I planted my butt at my desk. “Screw it”, I scoffed.

I powered-on my PC, Windows ME, service pack Zero, with an outdated Norton Anti-Virus and a loose network cable. The computers are City-provided, also.

Judy has a “Crap’n'Toss”. She likes it. Of course she does. They could have given her a Commodore 64 with a cassette drive, and she would have liked it. I hate her so much.

The office door opened. A man in uniform stepped in. A rather tall guy, mid-30’s, with a scruffy beard and a bad mustache. Oh, look, it’s Officer Oink! As he walked in, he did not look happy, so I commented, “What’s wrong? Is it National Donut Shop Employee’s Day Off Day?”

“No”, said John,”The entire department is being scrutinized. We are being watched, monitored, recorded, what ever”.

“Oh”, I said sarcastically, “So, you mean the police have to actually start working for a change?”

“Yeah, isn’t that terrible?”, John remarked, “Imagine us police keeping you safe from the scumbags of the Earth while you sleep?”

I couldn’t help myself, “Well, John, I can’t imagine you doing such a thing. I mean, getting off your fat-ass and doing some real work. My brain just can’t handle such complex information”.

“Your brain can’t handle any information”, John said.

“Well, well, well, look who finally decided to show up for work.”, It was Mayor-Man, and he seems to be crabby this morning. Well, crabbier than usual.

“Hello, Mister Mayor”, Officer John gave a slight bow as the Boss walked to my desk.

“When you aren’t on a break today, do you think you could do a bit of work on the financial report I asked for three days ago?”, the mayor said in a looming voice.

“Sure, I guess”, I said bluntly.

“Good, and try to look your best today. We have two new people from the agency starting today. I don’t want them to get the wrong impression.”, said the mayor on his way out.

Oh great. More people to dislike. This job sucks sideways and upside-down.

I could not wait to find out who I would grow to dislike next. Colleagues are fine for a while, then they get on your nerves. Its People. People are a pain in my behind. You know about The Last Man On Earth? Why am I not that lucky?

John found himself a comfortable seat on the sofa in the printer room. I guess there are no skateboarders to chase away today. I guess a better question is, Why is there a sofa in the printer room?

Judy was on the phone with her so-to-be-married boyfriend. Judy was always on the phone for personal reasons, but because she is Miss Perfect with the Boss, she can get away with it.

I looked across the hall, and saw Mayor-Man talking to some geek-boy and a girl. Not just any girl, I mean she was…and she had the boobies out to…and…wow. Long, blond hair, beautiful eyes.

The mayor walked into our office, “OK, everyone, I’d like you to meet our new people from the temp agency.”, He motioned to geek-boy, “This is James…”, Then he motioned to the girl,”…and this is Jannett”.

“Umm… Hi Jannett”, I said.

“Hello.”, she said in a sweet voice.

Judy finally finished her phone call long enough to introduce herself to the newbies, then went right back to yapping.

Geek-Boy was standing by the door with his hands in his pockets. He had these huge glasses with wide black frames, and an overbite that could open a beer bottle. He had four PDA devices attached to his belt, an HTC, a Palm, and two Blackberries. His pants were too big, and were sagging from the weight.

Officer John came in from the printer room, and said, “Hey, aren’t you guys from the agency? That’s good, because we need some good people to get some work done around here. I mean, poor Judy is all by herself.”

I glanced at John, but he was pretending to not see me.

I said, “Hey, meet Officer John, one of Toronto’s Finest. Finest what? We don’t know yet.”

The mayor walked out, as John was receiving a call over the radio. Something about some evil skateboarders at Commerce Court. John followed quickly behind the mayor, as if on some personal vendetta.

So, there we were, me and Judy, and the newbies. What can I get them to do?

“Um-mm, OK, everyone.” I said,” Now we all know that I am the office manager. That means that it is my responsibility to assign duties to the agency people”.

“Would the two of you please organize the filing cabinets.”, Judy interrupted.

“Sure”, the two newbies said in delight.

I glared at Judy, “Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?”

“What?”, she said.

She was pissing me off, “It is my damn job to assign the work around here. Damn it, Judy, I hate it when you do that to me”.

“Well, OK, what job were you going to assign them?”, Judy said in a sarcastic voice.

“Ah, I was going to set them to organize the filing cabinet.”, I said softly.

Judy gave me one of her goody-goody looks. I hate her.

James and Jannett were farting around in the filing cabinets, while Judy was on the phone, as usual. I was working on the mayor’s precious financial report.

I looked over at the TV, which normally displays information about City Hall. Today, for some reason, there was a real TV station on. There was a boxing match on, and it got me to thinking when I was a competition boxer over ten years ago.

“I have a great idea!”, I said happily.

“Oh, no, not another idea”, Judy said softly.

“I’m getting back into boxing!”, I said with a huge smile.

Judy’s eyes opened really wide, “Are you nuts? You have not been in the ring in over ten years.”

“I know, isn’t that great?”, I said with excitement, “Making a comeback after ten years.”

Judy gave me an odd look and said, “Is there something wrong with you? Nobody makes a comeback after ten years, and look at you, you’re a fat-ass!”

“Well, all the more to get back into it!”, I said with delight.

“What made you think of this now?”, said Judy.

I explained, “Well, I have been thinking about it for a while, but when I was at the boxing match last week, and now I see one on TV, it got me thinking…”

James and Jannett were too engulfed in the re-organizing (dis-organizing) my files to care what I was talking about.

Judy seems quite interested, which strikes me as odd, because she has never cared about anything I ever did.

“Why do you suddenly care about me?”, I said bluntly.

“Well, I just want to see if you can do it”, she said with a sarcastic tone,”I’d like to see you do it, really.”

“Oh, is that a challenge?”, I said delightfully.

“If that is what you call it”, Judy said in her "Ah-ha-you-can’t-do-it" voice.

“OK, I will”, I said with pride, “Watch me.”

Judy giggled, then said quietly, “Yeah, sure.”

Officer John walked in again, and said with disgust, “Those damn skateboarders are a pain in the ass.”

“What did they do to you?”, I said.

John said in a frustrated voice, “They…just…well, I wish they would skateboard into the lake.”

“Oh yeah, the evil skateboarders, scum of the Earth…Ooh”, I said sarcastically.

“Want to hear something funny, John?”, Judy asked with a smirk, “Jake wants to box again!”

John gave me a dirty look and said, “You can’t box. You are too old and too freaking fat.”

“Alright, that’s it.”, I said, annoyed,”I’m going for it, and I don’t care what any of you think.”

John was standing in the middle of the office, while James and Jannett were still making a mess of the filing cabinets.

The rest of the group were still unreeling from my announcement.

John suddenly spoke from out of nowhere, “You know, I don’t think women should be allowed to box.. They should not be involved in any combative sport. What do you think, Jake?”

I was surprised that he actually wants my opinion on something, “Well, yeah, I agree to an extent.”

Judy gave both of us a dirty look, then commented,” Wait a minute. Are you two going to tell me that us poor, weak, little ladies can’t get involved in sports?”

John said, “Well, yeah, except the ‘girly’ sports, you know, synchronized swimming, gymnastics, soccer…Basically, all other sports are mens sports..well, women can play basketball and volleyball, too, but that is just to give us something to look at.”

The look Judy had on her face was something to be photographed. I thought her eyes were going to pop out, “Why, you…sexist…how…dare you say something like that!”

Judy turned to me, expecting me to say something, “I’m not getting involved in this”, I said bluntly,” I am the office manager, and it would not be appropriate.”

Judy said,”Oh, come on, Jake. You always have an opinion!”

I did not want any part of this, so I said, “I am not getting involved.”

“…Another thing about women, they complain a lot!”, John blurted.

“Excuse me, John. You are out of line!”, Judy said angrily.

“Well, I don’t know, Judy”, John said sarcastically, “That sounds a lot like a complaint”.

“I’m not complaining!”, Judy yelled.

“Complaint.”, Officer John said bluntly.

“No, it is…”, Judy tried to get her words out, but John cut her off,

“Complaining!”, he said.

Judy growled.

Jannett stood up, and the file folder she was holding dropped to the floor, and slid under my desk. The contents ended up all over the floor. Jannett decided she would finally speak, “If we can’t get involved in sports, how do we get exercise?”

John looked at her and bluntly said, “Do some housework. You’d surprised how many calories you can burn off by pushing a vacuum cleaner around”.

Judy opened her mouth as if to say something, but John cut her off,

“Complaint!”, he yelled, then turned around and walked out of the office.

TO BE CONTINUED...