Dirty Lucre

Cherry

By Philip Sidney

Wed, 20 Aug 2014
  • 3921 reads
16 comments
 

Troubles are scratching at your door again.

We eat fruit and drink coffee in the sun,

bright smiles collide and clink, eyes meet and blink,

I know that frequent laugh, its hollow ring,

I know your insides have been gnawed by fear,

we speak of other things, words without weight

sparkle in the light and evaporate.

Truth is not simple, it is not one thing.

Money, an effervescent solution,

its heavy meaning weighs down the question.

Please do not thank me, you owe me nothing,

there is greater value in your relief.

It does not end, we cling to each other

and squeeze out the drip, drip, drip of ourselves.

Certificate PG
Poem

Comments

Submitted by Bee on

I really get the feeling behind this, and especially liked the ending.

Bee

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Bee.

Submitted by Starfish Girl on

'There is greater value in your relief', how true.

Lots to think about here.

Well written

Lindy

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Lindy

Submitted by Geoff Smith on

I too, love the closing couplet. You use a lot of very short main clauses. In fact all of the lines except 6 and 13 end with one, and this creates a kind of staccato about the piece as a whole. Was this the intention (it fits pretty well I think).  I wonder whether it might be a nice a idea to place a line break between lines 6 and 7 so that the enjambment and the main clause crossing a line (unusally here) is highlighted, and emphasising the idea of the words floating (their weightlessness)?

Thanks for reading. I am grateful for your time.

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Jasper, I think my focus was rather too much on a vague sonnet form, and agree that a break, which would not lose the sonnet idea, would work well.

Submitted by VeraClark on

The emotional drainage is well conveyed Phillip, your clipped sentences work well to unbutton this interaction down to bare bones. The only distraction for me is the capitalisation on every line. Know it's a style preference but I often get distracted and feel it dilutes the overall impact. Tiny personal gripe aside, this has a powerful sparkle to it and it's a poem that lives on beyond its last line.

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Vera, as with jasper's comment, i think i had too much eye on a roughish sonnet form, and of course it is the flow and pace that is the thing.  Thanks for your help!

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Philip

I know nothing of poetic foremat, but thought this flowed very well. To me, the important thing is the message, and the clever use of words, which came across.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Jean!

Submitted by Everything here... on

Very picturesque. Well done.

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Everything.

Submitted by Parson Thru on

I love the togetherness of this, Philip. Comes across with a sweet subtlety.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Parson.

Submitted by Sooz006 on

Filled with sexy desperation .Not my favourite of yours but still much enjoyed. 

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Sooz :)