Smoke

By Philip Sidney

Thu, 25 Sep 2014
  • 10607 reads
22 comments
 

We drank coffee,

before you left.

Neither of us taste,

barely register,

its fleeting heat.

Your eyes dart over messages,

your mind already in another place.

I watch time burn,

between us,

the smoky haze

of separation -

and you are

gone.

 

I stay in the jumble

of this

tumbling city,

catch the scent of you,

think of you,

in that rocky land of ice,

fire bubbling beneath the surface,

wonder at how you have slipped,

from my grasp,

like smoke,

and how it can be,

still,

another day.

Certificate 12
Poem
Inspiration Point (work that responds to our weekly writing cue)

Comments

Submitted by Hydra on

Nice one Philip.

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thanks Scorpio.

Submitted by Broamalia on

Ya, is good. I like the spacing and pacing, it gives a cadence that makes you feel carried along, which fits well with the subject. Also liked the ending... seems ambiguous and I can read it two ways, optimistic or fatalistic.

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you for your thoughts and for liking, Broamalia.

Submitted by celticman on

I like it too. It fizzles and then disappears like ...

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you celtcman...

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

Hi, Helen. This seemed a very well honed and clear little view of nostalgia, or maybe the Welsh word 'hiraeth' suits it better – which means a sad (though can be an enjoyed) longing for something or someone known in the past.
I wondered if you meant to have the comma after 'register' in
'barely register,
its fleeting heat.'
Rhiannon
 

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thanks Rhiannon.  I love the sound of the Welsh word - and its meaning.

I think I was trying to create a sense of hesitency, a drifing, but perhaps it upsets the grammar.

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

This is so lovely - a beautifully delicate piece

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you so much!

Submitted by Bee on

Just like to agree with all the above. 

Bee

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Bee!

Submitted by Starfish Girl on

'I watch time burn' a lovely line.

The back story is intriguing, lots to think about.

Lindy

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Lindy

Submitted by K. N. Thorn on

I loved all the metaphors and how they ran together so fluidly. Great job!

-K.N. Thorn-

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you KN!

Submitted by scratch on

A column of comments is often a barometer of the talent of the writer and the quality of their submissions.  I'd like to add to the column.  I missed this one Philip, don't quite know how.

I like the whole thing but especially the simple two stanza enjambment.  That separation accents the whole of the theme.  Excellent figurative language and a sophisticated method.  Well done.

 

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you so much scratch!

Submitted by torscot on

Enjoyed

"...in that rocky land of ice,

fire bubbling beneath the surface..."

 

When I read this I thought of Iceland for some reason, then again I thought of a few other places as well.

Regards

 

 

torscot

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Iceland it is!  Thanks Torscot.

Submitted by jeand on

Hi Philip

This is a deep and meaningful poem, sad and yet realistic.

Jean

Jean Day

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

Thank you Jean.