Despite

Big fat man, sweating and picking his nose.
Is he married I wonder?
Who would mary that?
Who would marry me, more to the point!
Who would marry my solitude?
Who would marry "too much"
Who would marry "Lizard fatigue"
"Intense"?
And a constantly metamorphasising psyche?
Me?
No, I don't fancy me.
What a shame
Not a disaster.
Time has proved I'm not
a disaster?
Unshaggable
Unloveable

Can I still feel love?
Do I want to?
That kind.

It's all changed now inside
Things can never be the same
Maybe not even 'like'
I suppose that's good, really.
I've done that suicide attempt
It nearly killed me
I've done those desperate feelings
I've done starvation
I've done mania
I've done agorophobia
and stuffing the emotional
hole he left with cakes
and throwing them up
and flushing them away
again and again and again
until it felt endless
No islands in sight to dock.
So I made an island
From grains of what
Grains of hope
Human hope
The survival instinct, no more
And then from just doing
And then from being valued
From realising myself again
As slow as mud
But in the mud I was
Somehow replenished
recreated
nourished
Despite myself
Despite despite despite
Despite chemistry
Despite OUR chemistry
My alchemy
Your toxic waste
A fertiliser to me
In toxic proportions.
I grew
Too far too fast
You weren't the supporting stake
I'd hoped.
Flop
Wind,
Re route
Re root
Vomit
Composted
Fermented
Vintaged mud
Stamped in my tread
Stamp stomp scramble
Me the evolutionary miracle
Amphibian legs and fins
The pain oceans rocked me ashore
Washed off the mud
Crevice cakes flaked
Finally

carbon plus life

Amazing

Fertilised
Self realised
Internalised
What you gave me
I had already
You believed in me
And now I'm doing it
Without you
Despite despite despite
Brain chemistry
Addictions
Compulsions
Barbed wire too tight
temporarily displaced, wrong placed, invading my peace.
I moved it
Made my own gloves
and now

I only have to be me
That's all
And when I do that best
I do life best
and I do the best for goodness
and humanity
And that's it
That's enough.

Be well
Live well
Go well
Be me
Why?
Just anyway.
Why not?