The winds of change

He wasn't there, waiting.

I didn't think I could feel like this again.

I think I want to feel like this again.

I realise it has stages,
elements,
and it's subjective
the reality of it is subjective.

but no one can tell me what to feel
or how
or when.
but maybe I can control it a bit
not get too caught up in the excitement
so I don't risk too much.

I think I tried that before.

His complements will get him in to my knickers
and under the duvet
In to my bed.
His piercings will get him face first in to my delight
His hands will get him taking off his lovely clothes
in front of me.
His shoes will get him dancing with me
Kicking them off
lost in his strange rhythms.
His texts will get me excited,
Hoping
His grammer will get him endeared in my heart.
His hat will get him coming to crazy parties with me

And all this is fantasy
Imagination
and it's delightful.

I imagine one day he will be there
Waiting for me off the train
all shy smiles
and soft brown eyes.
I imagine one day
One day he will hurt me
and one day I will hurt him.

I imagine enjoying life together
Doing things together
thighs on thighs
hand in hand
sweat-mingled
dreams shard
history shared, joint
I imagine watching him change
watching him blossom
I imagine
I imagine changing together
side by side
companionship on our journeys
I imagine all sorts of things

And I am prepared for serial disappointments
For none of it to happen
For unassailable awkwardness
For being let down time and again.

So I am ripe.
Like a fruit.
On the cusp.

Something is about to happen
It's that time again.
They always come in 2's.
Perhaps like before it will be neither, none
Not really.

The wind is blowing something
I can feel it in the breeze
and if it's blowing up a storm
I'll go inside where it's safe and warm.