The winds of change #2

He wasn't there, waiting.

I didn't think I could feel like that again.

I know I want to feel like that not this again.
For him.

I realise it has stages,
elements,
and it's subjective
the reality of it is subjective.

but no one can tell me what to feel
or how
or when.
but maybe I can risk too much.

I tried that before.

His complements got him in to my knickers
and under the duvet
In to my bed.
His piercings got me face first in to his delight
His hands got him taking off his lovely clothes
in front of me.
His shoes got him dancing with me
Lost in his strange rhythms.
His texts got me excited,
Hoping
His stories have got him forever endeared in my heart.

Imagine

I imagine one day he will be there
Waiting for me off the train
all shy smiles
and soft blue eyes.
I imagine one day.

One day he hurt me

and one day I won't hurt him.

I imagine
thighs on thighs
hands in hands
sweat-mingled
dream linked
history shared, joint
I imagine
blossom
I imagine
more
side by side
companionship
on our journeys

I imagine all sorts of things

He has felt like another disappointment
Some of it has happened
We sailed past awkwardness
He let me down.

I was ripe.
He could smell me there
Like a fruit.
On the cusp.

Something happened

The other one told me he loves me
But I want my Saint Michael
And I will wait for him to return to me
For how long
How long

"The wind is blowing something
I can feel it in the breeze
and if it's blowing up a storm
I'll go inside where it's safe and warm."

You
Blew
into
my heart
It's rained every day since.
I've stayed inside.
How long?