Lottery

LOTTERY

"Peter, what are you having to drink!" Jake was trying to draw my attention away from staring at the lithe and gyrating Melanie who was wearing the shortest of short dresses and filmiest of blouses.

"I'll have another pint please mate" I said hoarsely over my shoulder. My mouth was dry. And I wished that my trousers weren't so tight.

"Come on Peter. You know that she's spoken for" I dragged my head round to face Gilly, Jake's wife, who was not a bad looker herself.

"You've got to find yourself an unattached woman and settle down"

"I settled down before and what good did that do me. She buggered off as soon as my head was turned." And I tried to shut out the memory of Liz and the few short months that we were married, before she left me for an insurance rep living in Sunderland of all places. I sat down at the table and listened to Josie and Malcolm rabbiting on about how much to pay the baby sitter.

It was Malcolm's party. A pre-Christmas company thrash held in the Golf Club's function suit. Malcolm was general manager and the company was paying, otherwise the drinks would not have been so freely flowing. He was a tight bastard. He had to be shamed into buying his round at the golf club after our weekly Sunday foursome. I didn't actually work for the company as such. I supplied all their cleaning materials and had known Jake since school all those years ago.

We had been drinking steadily since arriving at seven and although Des, the DJ who often worked at the club, wasn't playing the music very loud, there was quite a babble from the sixty or so employees and guests, the alcohol loosening tongues. I was starving and there was still twenty minutes until dinner would be served at eight. Jake returned with the tray of drinks and Malcolm started to tell jokes at which Stuart, the fourth member of our golfing set laughed unnecessarily loudly: he was trying to secure a subcontract supply deal from Malcolm and was going out of his way to butter him up. Malcolm's pretty wife Josie sat and smiled, but was a quiet shy sort and barely ever opened her mouth; Malcolm more than made up for that. Malcolm suddenly said "Christ!" and pulled out his wallet.

"I'd thought I'd forgotten to get a Lottery ticket for this week," he sighed as he unfolded one from within the wallet. "It's okay, I got it for two weeks last week." He put the wallet onto the table and placed his omnipresent cell phone on top.

"Must have a pee." he said pushing back his chair.

"Here's an idea for a joke", smiled Jake, ever the trickster, "Why don't we see if I can get Des to read out Malcolm's numbers over the P.A. system just after eight pretending that they are the official numbers. That way he will be obliged to buy everyone drinks, the tight old sod. What do you thing Josie? It would be a laugh!"

"Yes, I'll go for that" she replied with a laugh. "It's about time he spent some money on someone other than himself." Jake took out the lottery slip and copied out the numbers onto a beer mat and took it across to Des. It was obvious the Des agreed to do the deed and as Jake walked back to our table Malcolm re-appeared and stopping at a few other tables on the way for a quick word or joke, he got back to our table just as the wall clock showed five past eight.

"Tried to chivvy up the food" he said sitting down "Shouldn't be long now." and with that Des called for our attention.

"Just before you all go into dinner I thought you'd like to know the results of tonight's lottery draw"

As he read out the sixth number Malcolm lept to his feet and shouted "Yes!! I've won the lottery." Josie looked up at him smiling and said "Don't you mean we've won the lottery"

"No, you silly bitch, I mean that I've won the lottery and what's more I'm leaving you. I've been having an affair with your sister Melanie for the past six months and now we're going off together, so tough shit to you and that berk of a husband of her's" He swept his wallet and phone off the table strode across the table to where Melanie and Alan were sitting, pulled her up and marched her off saying that he would ring and confirm to the lottery company as soon as they were out of the noisy room.

We sat there dumbfounded. This is apart from Josie who had gone quite white under the Ski tan and had rivers of tears flooding down her face. What could we say.

"I think I'd better go and try to sort this out with Malcolm" said Jake quietly and he crossed the room to the lobby.

I went to the dais, picked up the microphone and announced that it had all been a practical joke and that dinner was served.

I heard from Jake that Malcolm didn't return to work until the middle of January, looking very sheepish. It appeared that not only was Josie suing him for divorce, but that Melanie after a week with Malcolm had returned home to Alan promising eternal fealty. We don't play golf together any more.