Cold in Summer
By poetjude
Tue, 17 Jun 2008
- 1725 reads
3 comments
I am cold in summer
this room gets little sun
mini heat-wave arrived when
coats and radiators were left on.
I get angry when June is
wrapped in paperwork
piled high in a frigid house.
Exodus by air is expensive
and the rail network is worse
so blaming the government
I mope around and rub
the puckered poultry skin.
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Comments
Hi there :) I like this
Permalink Submitted by TaeganHarker on
Hi there :)
I like this idea, but is there any way to add in some more punctuation? I think that would make the individual images stand out a bit better. 'wrapped in paperwork / piled high in a frigid house' is lovely.
Perhaps remove a couple of the adjectives in the second stanza? It seems a lot heavier than the first, and so meaning's a little clouded. For example, 'prohibitively', 'unfriendly' - they make us ask unnecessary questions and distract us from the message, which I like but is currently a little lost, I feel.
Also, maybe this is just me - 'mini-heatwave found our jackets / and the radiators left on' - I don't quite understand. Maybe adding punctuation would help separate that thought - are you trying to point out that _despite_ the heatwave, the radiators and jackets are left on?
I really like this, though! Thanks for sharing. :)
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You're very welcome. I think
Permalink Submitted by TaeganHarker on
You're very welcome. I think the changes you've made have helped a great deal. It's really lovely. :)
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