An Anti-Christmas Rant

Baah humbug to Christmas and nuts to Noel
I'm sick of the traffic and shopping is Hell
The glittery tinsel gets right up my nose
And so do the cards with their wet-puppy prose,
Neatly wrapped packages tied up with string
Paying good money to kids that can't sing
I'm tired of the atmosphere, false bonhomie
Grins that are forced and transparent glee
I'm sick of the sentiment, tired of the slush
Fully grown adults whose brains turn to mush
The drinking the eating the talk and the games
The socks and the hankies that all look the same
Toadying relatives that you never see
Pretending to care when you just want to flee
Street corner Santas with cotton wool beards
And padded out stomachs that make them look weird
I'm sick of the spectacle, it's not my style
I'm staying away from sweetness and bile
I'm staying indoors 'til the madness is past
The telly switched off and the fire at full blast
The phone off the hook and the curtains all drawn
Just me and the Mrs and our stack of porn
Who needs the festivities, chestnuts and snow
Sleighbells and reindeers with noses that glow
Baah humbug to Christmas it's all just so twee
It's fake and it's cheesy, and it's not for me.