Y... is for 'My Name Is Hypo Chondriac'

My name is Hypo Chondriac
I think I'm going to die
I am a haemophiliac
It makes me want to cry
Last week I caught the chicken pox
This week I've got the flu,
I must have been to fifty docs
And none of them will do,
They never seem to cure me
Only fill me up with pills
And they're always trying to lure me
Into saying I'm not ill.
When I tell them that I'm dying
They just raise a weary brow -
I think they think I'm lying
But I tell you here and now
I haven't had a healthy day
Since Nelson was at sea
My illness never goes away
Just multiplies by three,
I've had Typhoid, AIDS and Syphilis
And Measles by the score,
I've had Tuberculosis
And my back is full of sores,
My Asthma makes it hard to run
Cystitis hard to pee,
Leprosy just isn't fun
Nor Cancer of the knee,
My bed is full of flakes of skin
From where my Eczema peels,
Prozac boxes fill my bin
My Scurvy never heals -
I'm also Diabetic
And my blood pressure's too high
My complexion is pathetic
And I've Gangrene in my thigh.
My doctors claim there's nothing wrong
But who are they to say?
I know my tongue is much too long
And just gets in the way.
Why wont they cure my Weils Disease?
Eliminate my Mumps?
I need some spray to kill my fleas
And pile cream for my rump,
My Plague is so contagious
But they won't believe it's there
Their conduct is outrageous
And they simply do not care,
They laugh at my Leukaemia
And scoff at my Ringworm -
I HAVE got real Bulimia
My acid breath DOES burn,
I think I'll go to BUPA
Even though it costs a lot,
I think their docs are super
And they'll tell me what I've got
Perhaps they'll even cure me
But there's not much chance of that:
My death will come as surely
As a dog will chase a cat,
Goodbye cruel world don't shed a tear
I'm off to pastures new
To where my skin is always clear
And doctors cure the Flu,
And written on my gravestone
Where the little tribute goes
There'll be these six wee words alone:
"You see - I told you so!"