Depression

I feel the cold on this summer's day
as only i can; for the chill is in my bones
and as the drafty air whispers through my room
while the colors bursting through my window
change from black to blue to red to yellow -
i am reminded that as i lie here
the world still moves on

i am possessed by my own demons
i birthed them in my head and since then
they have found no other abode.
i do not fight their interference
because God Knows, I know nothing else
than to surrender

this distastefully comfortable emptiness
has become as familiar to me as the back of my hand
which i have often looked to
when i forget how old i am

i try to remember what it was I ate-
if at all i had eaten; had i remembered to smile
politely at the walls of faces that visited biweekly
to enquire with indifferent and misplaced courtesy
why i hadn't been in class yesterday
or the day before, or the week before that
did i plan on returning? truth is,
i wouldn't know even if i wanted to.

these eyes that look at me are no less perturbing
than the rest of my rancid existance,
roving over me as if i were a diseased stray dog
that must recieve the customary compassionate glance
from a distance so as not to contract
any ugly illness

perhaps when they see me - these so-called well-wishers of mine-
they are overcome with the stench that a rotting soul
must reek of; an odor i have long since grown used to-
not by choice, but by adaptive neccesity
just as i have grown used to this meaningless shrine
of still statues that surround me and pictures that swim around my head-
a whirlwind of moments and memories that will not be forgotten.

so here i lay yet again, in this profound darkness
not the darkness of the night, which is stripped at intervals
revealing stars that gleam with joy and hope-
but the blackness of a tear in the galaxy
beyond which no light can transcend.
and if I am ever meant to see, without my chains,
the outside world in all its trappings
and feel the rain on my dry lips and tearless eyes,
it shall not be here on this transient plane.
perhaps the promise of an eternal paradise
is all that binds me to share this earth with you.