I Live in My Shed (A love story)

My name is Crimson Boner. I live in my shed because my house is full of people. They talk and they talk until no-one really knows what the others are saying. The noise is unbearable. Words come spilling out of their mouths so much that all meaning attached to the words is lost. That's why I moved into the shed; for peace and quiet. No-one knows I'm out here yet. Well, apart from Mr. Edmunds the bin man. In fact he's not even an actual bin man; he just lives in the bin. Like me, he just wanted a little peace and tranquillity away from it all so he moved into my bin. Naturally I allowed him to do so seeing as we have such a special understanding. Sometimes we play bridge together on Thursdays. I never win because Mr Edmunds is the lucky sort and because he used to be a professional gambler until he lost it all and ended up in my bin.

My shed has four walls. Well, eight if you count all the walls again. On one of the walls I keep things that I cut out of newspapers; photos of local dogs who are going to be just fine after the expensive surgery on that dodgy back leg, old women who are not giving in to the latest scam where the man comes around and says he's the king of Scotland and that he orders you to give him all your valuables, local councillors who are very sorry that they had to cancel the plans for the new zero gravity wing at the hospital where everyone has a really great time all the time, but there just wasn't enough funding. All these things remind me why I came into my shed in the first place and make sure I'm never tempted to go back to the old ways.

On another wall, I keep a framed photograph of my one true love; Ms Grilby. Ah, Ms Grilby, those magic days we shared with one another. I was but a young sprightly man of forty-three, you were but a scotched egg with a lovely little hairdo and luscious plastic lips which I stuck on you using a glue stick. (But don't worry it said non-toxic) My mother always said I was the luckiest lad in the world and when I met Ms Grilby, I knew it was true. The first time I laid my eyes on her, incidentally just after purchasing her at the delicatessen, I knew we were destined for one another. Who ever said money can't buy you love obviously never met anyone like Ms Grilby. She makes me feel like I've got a big hot cross bun stuck in my throat. It's so wonderful. She makes me feel as if I can wear two fur coats on a really hot day and just not care. It's the best feeling I know. It's the best because I know she'll never leave me. She can't because I own her. I've still got the receipt and everything. Sometimes she tells me things like "I don't know if I've got any change for the tumble dryer dear, and "Please stop that, you're ruining my breadcrumb coating. Oh look, now it's all over the floor and everything. I like it when she tells me things because I know that she can't talk to anyone else because I won't ever let her leave the shed. And I told her that a fork is called a knife and a knife is called a fork, so she wouldn't survive long in the real world anyway. I love Ms Grilby. And she loves me.