How To Lose Money And Brain Cells - A Petty Drug Dealers Guide

Introduction

So you enjoy getting high, right? Now whether your drug of choice is cannabis, ecstasy, acid, speed, cocaine, heroin, ketamine or something else more obscure or a combination of a few of the afore mentioned substances is of no relevance here. You probably hang out with a lot of other people at pubs, clubs, parties, flats and houses with a wide array of friends and friends of friends that are all doing the same things. A few of them, at least, have no means or contact to obtain the goods themselves and so ask you to get some for them. This is cool for a while but after some time it becomes an inconvenience and a real drag. They ask you to go and get it for them when you already have your own supply and you can’t really be bothered. Then there’s the travel expenses to take into account and this gets you to thinking that if you start buying larger weights and quantities you’ll be able to get a better price and by selling the drugs on to just your closest and most trust worthy friends then you won’t have to pay for your own and with minimal risk, right? Wrong, it’s a bad Idea, as you will find out if you decide to tread this path.

The Rules

1. Don’t get high on your own supply - yeah right, that’s why you’re doing it in the first place, isn’t it? This rule only applies to pros and smart people which you are probably neither of. You’ll be out of your mind on one substance or another at every available opportunity in no time at all.

2. Never go into partnership with ANYONE unless you desperately need their capital – As tempting as it always is to split the risk and the costs, and the feeling of safety in numbers, it generally doesn’t work. You risk having to do the bulk of the work whilst they sit there free loading and shooting their mouths off about the whole deal to anyone who’ll listen, smoking or taking more than they sell and skimming off the off the top of the deals they give your customers earning you a bad reputation and having to endure endless complaints as a result. If you already have the money just do it alone.

3. Only sell to your friends - As if! Once you see that you can actually turn a pretty profit you’ll be selling to friends of friends and then friends of their friends and anybody else you meet along the way, the temptation will be too great.

4. Always pay up front - This will maybe work out fine at first but once the orders start getting bigger and the prices start becoming irresistibly cheaper this rule will go right out the window and you’ll be so out of your mind on whatever it is you’re into that you’ll be up to your, by now barely visible, eyeballs in debt before you know how to turn things around again.

5. Never tic or give anything on credit - Again this only really applies to pros as you will try this for a while but when it gets to the point that you’re still sitting on quite a sizable amount of product and no customers with cash in hand and an ever increasing payment deadline, you will be desperately trying to offload as much and as quick as possible to anyone and everyone in the desperate hope that their Giros or wages land in their accounts when they say they will.

6. Never sell from home or let any of your customers know where you live (the only exceptions being family members and close friends) – If you break this rule you’re opening yourself up to whole world of risk as your neighbours may notice the constant comings and goings and become suspicious, worse still if one of your punters should get arrested they may decide to give you up to the police in the vague hope of saving themselves. The other problem with ‘working’ from home is that every customer wants to be the dealers friend, they’ll hang around for hours talking shit and hoping to cop some freebies along the way –THIS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS – they’ll drive you insane with their inane chit chat and boring stories of smoking bucket bongs etc.

7. Vary your meeting places and meet well away from where you live as this will ease suspicion from the locals – You won’t, of course, because you’re too lazy and complacent to be bothered by such trivial matters and would prefer to carry the goods for as little time as possible and eager to get back to watching Eastenders or The Bill as quickly as you can.

8. Always be prompt and punctual – The longer you leave that punter waiting the more suspicion you may arouse so put the spliff in the ashtray and get off your lazy burnt out arse to go and meet them. Don't worry there'll be some other rubbish documentary or reality TV shit on by the time you get back.

9. Always use a second phone for business, preferably, a pay as you go or one that’s not registered in any way to your name – You probably won’t do this as you get free call time on your personal phone plus having to carry a second phone and top it up is far too much hassle for your average dopey drug fiend, you’ve got far more sitting to be getting on with.

10. Always hold down a steady job as if in the, more likely than you may think, event that you do get arrested it always looks better that dealing is not your main or sole source of income – for some reason it makes you seem more respectable - In reality, of course, you will manage this for anywhere between six months to a year. After that you’ll either quit or be so out of it and pull so many sickies that you’ll simply be fired. This won’t matter much to you though as you’ll probably be making enough to get by without that rubbish job or just pleased that you have more time to get high and no longer have to endure the nightmare of a real job. Please note that you should at least sign on as they will pay your National Insurance for you and that keeps the tax man from your door and a whole heap of other awkward questions of how you’ve been making your living.

11. Never keep a list of customers and money owed – You won’t do this either as you’re having enough trouble just trying to remember to eat and breathe let alone trying to keep track of twenty equally wasted people’s debts. JUST MAKE SURE YOU THROW THE OLD ONES AWAY because if you do get busted you really don’t want the police to see an extensive file of your previous year’s business.

12. Never keep the stash at your own home – you probably will though as finding someone to look after these kind of goods can prove tricky and even if you do manage to they will almost certainly want rewarding for it, whether that be in drugs or money, so it can become quite expensive(especially when they’re also, inevitably, dipping into the goods as when they feel the need)

13. If you do get arrested DO NOT SAY ANYTHING TO THEM WITHOUT A LAWYER PRESENT – Again you probably will as they’ll tell you that if you wait for a lawyer it will probably take six hours for them to arrive and then another three or four hours after that, by which time you will probably have to spend the whole night in a cell, on the other hand if you just do the interview on your own you will be out in three hours max. This may be true but always wait for legal representation. You’ll probably just want to get out of there as quickly as possible because it’s cold in those cells and you’ll just be wanting to go and smoke a joint. You’ll be trying to concoct all kinds of fantastical stories, which they will twist, turn and question every step of the way and by the time they’ve released you on bail you’ll be in more deep than you can handle. Tell them nothing and they have nothing, just wait for the lawyer and shut the fuck up. Remember YOU’RE INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY so make the fuckers prove it, don’t just hand it to them on a plate.

14. Never sell hard or addictive drugs – The reality is that it’s rare to be purchasing your goods from some nice old chilled out beardy hippy type so the longer you associate with underworld the more probable it will be that you will, at some time or another, meet someone offering something a lot stronger than weed or E. It’s always the same deal you buy it, like it, buy it by the ounce and at first you consume a fair amount yourself but turn a tidy profit but the more you do it the less you sell the more you take and deeper and deeper into dependency and addiction you fall, not to mention major debt and the threat of violence.

15. Just don’t bother...........