Existence

It seems to me, these days, that I'm getting older much faster than
I used to. It amazes me when I find myself talking about 'when I was a
kid' and 'back when I was still in school'. Could it be that at the
ripe old age of 27, I'm beginning to find I belong to the 'previous'
generation? In thought, at least, if not in fact?

I imagine a meeting between the 27 year-old me and the 18 year-old me.
It isn't pretty. I overhear words like 'sellout' and 'wimp' bandied
about quite freely. By the 18 year-old, of course. Strange that the
older me has very little to say. Probably struck dumb with wonder- that
younger, slimmer person is me and yet - it isn't me! At least, not the
'now' me.

Being 18 years old seems so far back in the past. So different, too,
that I wonder if it all really happened. Where did all that fire go?
The dreams, the passion, the ideals......that was ME, wasn't it?
Me.

I like to say that I've matured. Mellowed, like good wine. Learnt to
live in the real world. Left behind the hot blood of youth. Accepted
the burden of adulthood.

Why does growing up mean losing all that made life worthwhile in the
past? Was all that I lived for, all that I cherished mere childishness?
Was there nothing in all of that worth living for now?

I am me, but I am not me.

I am an adult, a grown-up, a responsible citizen of the world. I work
hard at my job, and pay my bills and keep lots of people, like banks
and supermarkets, in business. I have a reputation and social standing.
I am a dutiful son and an exemplary sibling, a faithful church member
and a good driver. I keep my appointments and meet my deadlines. I'm a
nice fellow, a decent sort of chap.

It seems to me that I have become exactly what I did not wish to be - a
nice, friendly facade. Lots on the outside, and very little on the
inside.

Why do we create a world for ourselves that makes us shells and
shadows? Hollow caricatures? Back when I was 18, there were reasons for
living that I knew I would live by - to change what I could, to make a
difference where I lived.

I'm lucky these days if I notice that the season has changed.

I rise in the morning to go to work, I work hard to come back from
work, I sleep well so I can go back to work the next day. Oh , yes, I
eat well so I can keep working.

Is this all there is?