Unwritten Letter

Dear Friend,
I had this incredible urge to call you, but since I promised myself I would stop calling very night I put my phone away (after staring at your number for five minutes with my finger over the "send button). I thought maybe if I started my homework, just start typing and reading, I would stop thinking about you. It didn't work. I kept stealing glances at my phone on the desk. I forced myself to concentrate on what I was typing (a paper for English); I even unplugged my Internet cord so that I wouldn't be tempted to email you. As I kept typing I realized that I wasn't paying to much attention to what was coming out, because somehow you became the author of the book I was supposed to be writing about. So then I figured that if I didn't indulge myself just a little I would never get anything done. So I brought up a blank Word page and started typing this letter to you. I feel bad because I had promised to write you and believe me I had every intention of doing so, but I must admit this is the first time I have actually started a real letter. I know it's hard to be living so far away from everyone, on your own for the first time. I miss you. I suppose its best to get that out there right away. The reason I don't call anymore isn't that I don't want to talk to you, I really do, I miss talking to you, its because of her (I'd rather not say her name, I suppose I'm still a little bitter) but I thought it was rude to keep talking to you the way I used to. Now that she is your girlfriend, I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate it. I know you said it wouldn't matter, but it matters to me. I know we said we'd just be friends and I thought it would be easy, seeing as how we were friends for so long before. Call me crazy but I just can't remember anything before the first time you kissed me. No matter how hard I try to think about how it used to be when we were just friends, I just can't or maybe I don't want to. I wont say I still love you cause I don't think that's what it is. I just love they way we used to be. That real kind of love that frees the parts of your soul that you didn't know you had. We broke up for good reasons, right? I just feel that going back to being friends is like saying it never happened and I can't do that, it all meant way to much to me to even think that. And we agreed to move on, which you have but I feel that this whole business of trying to be your friend and forget all those feelings I had for you and you had for me is really making it hard for me to grow. I miss talking to you and being close to you. I guess I'm afraid or maybe I'm hoping that things are going to change. I don't know this whole thing has got me so mixed up as far as knowing what I want. Maybe we can't be friends the way we were without becoming what we became (does that make sense?) will history repeat itself? So that's why I haven't written or called you and when you call me I give short answers and pull away. Maybe I need some time to remember what it was like to just be your friend. Or maybe I need some of you.

I re-read what I just typed and I realized that it's a big step backwards from where we agreed we wanted to be. I can't tell you any of this; I just need to figure out what it is that I want. If I tell you all my doubts I'll just make things harder for you for no reason. So I guess there is only one thing to do. (Delete)