A Major Breakthrough - My Story

Within the past week some pretty amazing things have happened to me. Not externally but internally...

I'll start by telling you my life story...

When I was born, my mom was put into a lot of physical duress. I know most births have some duress for the mothers but my mom was really really sick because I was different in the womb. She had to be put on medication and when I was born, the doctor placed me on my mother's tummy only to realize that I was turning blue. I couldnt breathe, so I was rushed away. 30 minutes later after I had medically died 3 times and been resuscitated repeatedly, a doctor arrived that specialized in tracheotomy placement. They said it was a miracle they found my trachea at all because I was such a small newborn. Then they told my mother that her child that she had just given birth to had a 2% chance of living through the night. I had my last rites read to me.

I lived.

The doctors again said..."she wont live another night"

I did.

"she wont live a week"

I did again.

"a month"

I was still there.

"she probably wont live through her toddler years"

I clung to life and defied all my doctor's expectations to be sitting here today typing this thread to you.

In my childhood I endured 20 reconstructive plastic surgeries, among which was an attempt at a major reconstruction of my jaw (they tried to give me a jaw), a huge back surgery (which put me out of comission for over a month when i was 6), an eye surgery (which made it hard for me to see for days which was very scary for a little child)

As I grew older....the surgeries grew less because they were stressful for my mom to go through. She was the main person to take care of me because my dad refused to. (he was neglectful). I still had nurses around me a ton.

But this is when marital problems really racheted up in my household. My father was abusive, the anti social personality disorder he had inherited from his own father making everything turn upside down.

I remember during this time my father cleaning a gun at the kitchen bar...and my mom brushing my hair (maybe we were getting ready to go somewhere), and my father took the gun and aimed it at us. We ducked. And then he laughed. He laughed at our fear. (this is just an example so you know how unstable he was...)

Eventually he left us all for another woman after a long string of affairs that kicked him out of his family's company (because they went against company policy). His own brother had to fire him., My dad then begged my mom to be let back, but she refused. (I cant imagine the strength it took for her to say no to him...)

So I'd go visit him, my dad, every other weekend. And I hated all those weekends. I remember crying quite a few times. I remember dreading going to his house.

When I was 14 I remember sitting in my school lunchroom, breaking down crying because I had finally broken out of denial about the things that happened before my dad left my mom. child services was called in. I had several hours of personality testing/other sorts of testing by a psychologist to see if what I said was true.

I went and talked with a District Attorney about what happened and because I was so nervous, kept saying I didnt know to many of his questions. He concluded that there wasnt enough evidence to prosecute my father.

But it was enough to make my father stop making me go to his house for visitation. I never went back after everything that happened.

I didnt do well in school that year (for obvious reasons...).

The next year all I did was study. I got on the distinquished honor roll the first semester and then the regular honor roll the second. My English teacher told me that I was such a good student that I should take honors English next year.

In 10th grade I got on the honor roll the first semester and I realized how much I loved English. I got voted onto student council. I obtained membership in the National Society of High School Scholars.

Things were going well. Until I started not to care anymore because I felt really stressed.

I think 11th grade was when I stopped caring. I dont know why I stopped caring, I just did. I became unhappy at my school because I felt like I was being shunned & didnt fit in with the other preppy kids in my Student Council homeroom. I remember some days it was only my nurse or interpreter that talked to me.

I was withdrawing. Becoming unhappy. I got rid of all my nurses at home, became medically independent (learned how to take care of myself) and transferred to MSSD. Where I encountered kids that made fun of me...calling me ugly and asking me what happened to my face and then running away. It actually shocked me what happened...and I had to report it several times.

I got on the honor roll at MSSD my first semester. And my overall GPA point made it that I could join the National Honor Society. So I did join. I also joined the Academic Bowl Team and was the 2nd smartest person on it. We competed and got 3rd in the atlantic region. I graduated with a merit diploma (the highest offered at MSSD), two scholarships, and an award for most avid reader in the school.

I thought I was smart. But I dreaded going to college...

I decided to go to Temple University. When I first got there....

I remember looking at all the kids and feeling like I didnt belong. Like I was an alien. I broke down crying and told my mom I didnt want to be there. She took me home for a weekend and then I stayed at school for the semester, getting a whopping 1.14 gpa my first semester. I was devestated. After all the success I had in high school, I was an idiot in college.

Then, Max died....I went to his memorial service at a synagogue in NYC & at his high school he had always talked to me about. I was devestated about his death. Who was going to understand me now that he was dead?

I remember sitting in class after all the memorial services and not being able to focus. My bst friend was dead. What the fuck was I going to do? Somehow I still got a 3.5 gpa that semester, even in the midst of grief.

I transferred to another college that summer. My first summer class I did extrodinarily well in. I got a 4.0 in that class.

Then I took a writing course and it was in the middle of writing one of the papers for this course that I had a mental breakdown. I just couldnt get the goddamned paper to work and all the readings I had done were quite hard and over my head. I remember crying a lot that august.

And my depression carried into my fall semester....my gpa was a C average...

And then lowered even further my spring semester....a lower c average.

I felt like shit.

I felt like I couldnt do my work. I felt stupid. I felt useless. I felt horrible inside. I felt like i was breaking, drowning, falling down into a big black pit of despair that I couldnt get out of.

I missed max. I missed him so much. And I despaired at my ability to do my homework/classwork.

My hygiene got worse.

I didnt care anymore about anything. I began to take books off my shelves in my room. And I loved my books more than anything....

But my insides felt so blank. So cold. I would look at my books in my room and I'd see nothing. Nothing useful. Nothing worthwhile.
Total and complete nothingness. So i began to take them off my shelves and put them in the basement. I took all my knick nacks out of my room and slowly but surely my room became more blank, just like I felt on the inside.

I was put on anti depressants. It got so bad that I considered and made a half hearted attempt to end my life. This was in december of last year.

After two rough semesters at York College.... I decided to transfer to Gallaudet university.

I remember staying in my room for 3 days last semester. 3 whole days in isolation. Doing absolutely nothing. Running from everything that scared me so shitless. Running from my despair that I could ever ever solve anything. I avoided things and felt ashamed about my inability to face life and the things that scared me.

and then...that semester ended. I felt stupid once again. How in the bloody hell was I going to get into Graduate school if I kept pulling C's. and I barely pulled a C at that.

I remember waking up last semester...the sunlight streaming in through my window...i woke up...looked at my laptop & realized how much it had taken away from me. I realized how much my depression had taken away from me. I realized how much my avoidance had cost me.

After this last semester ended I decided to stop going on Second Life. during the whole time I was depressed I was talking to this person who lied to me about who they were. And I had-had enough....I told them that I wasnt going to talk to them anymore after a huge argument.

And I havent gone on Second Life since december.

Before this semester began, I told my mom I didnt want to come back..that I just wanted to get a job somewhere and take a break from college. She responded by taking me to my old academic advisor at penn state. I broke down in tears in the meeting.

My mom took me to my OVR counselor the next day (the people who are in charge of my scholarship). I broke down in tears there too.

I felt so stuck in not being able to do what I wanted to do and frustrated at myself that I kept hiding from my problems. That I kept not doing my work. I felt like I was never ever going to be able to not fear every paper and test/assignment that came my way. I felt so stupid. Other kids could do it, why couldnt I?

I went back to Gallaudet.

Things were different because I wasnt on Second Life anymore. I had figure out that if I made a little binder that laid out all the expectations/goals I had for my semester, if I could SEE what I had to do, much like I could see what I needed to do for my reading goals....That if I did this it created GOOD feelings about school.

I began to do my assignments...reading my textbooks...

And then...I realized something. After all the darkness and all the pain I had a monumental breakthrough.

I was reading a thread on another forum...and it hit me. It really REALLY hit me...

I've been through so much in my life. Against the odds I am standing here before you. Ive endured countless surgeries. Stood up to my father and had the strength to shut him out of my life, gained the courage to be able to take care of myself medically...endured the death of my best friend...had the strength to stop talking to marcos...the strength to keep holding on when I was in a very dark place.

I realized....that I am an overcomer. I have climbed mountains that some people never have to climb. And still others fail.

And I forgot that when I was depressed. I forgot how far I had come. The strength I had within me. The courage....the determination. I had forgotten.

I had forgotten my motto "If you fall off your horse, get back on it."

And I realized that I WAS capable of doing my schoolwork, that I WAS capable of facing the world as an adult...that I COULD do it.

And suddenly...my whole world view shifted. Did a hundred and 180 degree spin. Everything I had one been afraid of and despaired about, I now looked at as a challenge. It they were no longer things which disturbed my sleep at night.

And my grades. Hell, theyve shot straight through the roof.

And all I could say to myself was "FUCKING FINALLY!!"

After all the time being stuck and despairing that things would ever change, I finally realized that my view of the world was wrong. And with my view of the world changing...everything has changed for me.

Everything.

I now realize how successful people are ...well...successful.

And I feel...good self esteem for the first time in YEARS.

I can. I am. And I will.