U: journal, the lost entries

4-24-04

I'm listening to Nirvana "nevermind" while I write this. I'm feeling
depressed and physically ill. My brain, always slow, feels shot by all
the drugs and alcohol I've been feeding. I do, however, feel resolve
and hope for the future. Right now, I've vowed not to use drugs or
alcohol. But I don't think I mean it because if I did, I'd pour my
vodka down the drain.

This morning, I got up and took a bike ride to down-town Ashland. It
was my first time on a bike for a while and it was an interesting
experience. Downtown Ashland, Oregon was not so interesting. The place
has a thoughrily yuppie and conformist culture.

Overall, I feel crucified by the system. I refuse the patriarchal role
but the feminists thrust it on me. I'm just a boy who was attacked and
hit back. My assailant could have been a man, a woman or a cougar and
it would have made no difference.

5-13-04

I'm listening to Jonny Lang "Lie to Me." I'm feeling a little depressed
and I'm not sure why. I guess I'm afraid about the future, what's going
to happen to me, etc. My arms hurts but I still have to work in an
hour. I'm noticing that loud music seems to cause depression sometimes.
I wish I could focus for long periods of time. I just seem to lack the
life force sometimes. Sometimes I feel great but later I forget why and
my head's empty. That's it; my mind's just empty, empty as a broken egg
shell. I don't even know where my words come from, not from my
conscious self. When I close my eyes, all I see or know is a bunch of
red haze.

5-10-04

I don't remember much about Fawn. I don't understand what happened
really. I remember falling in love with her nad I was so happy. I
remeber that my parents took care of me why whole life. In the dorms, I
was fine by myself. Everything worked out. I suffered from depression
but found that I could still do well in school. Soon, Fawn took over
the role my parents used to play. Since she was ugly and I was good
looking, I thought she'd take care of me. I didn't see myself as able
to take care of myself. I did admire her in a lot of ways. She was very
intelligent. She had interesting views about spirituality; I don't
remember what they were. She shared my refusal to be ashamed of being
white. In some ways, her personality was very romantic. She enjoyed
classical music and she wanted to live in Europe. But she could turn
around and eat junk food and watch the most disgusting reality
television. I can't say I ever respected her as an equal. If I loved
her, it was only as an appendage of myself. (the following lines are
written in red ink and were apparently added later) But that's not
really true. At times I did love her and I wanted to make her
happy.

(Beneath this, there's an interesting sketch involving an octupus and
sperm)

5/10/04

Society doesn't make any sense to me. Why is it such a mess? Why do we
all compete?
I wish we had an orderly society where we worked together. Why is our
society, which is so advanced technologically, so lacking in culture
and refinement?
Anyway, moving on to more personal topics, I'll say that I'm not sure
I was ever normal. My thoughts move slowly. Maybe they always did. I
was born with physical defects like my wandering eye and also an
orthopedic problem.
I want to deal with something I remeber. When I was very young, life
was rich in ways it isn't now. Sights and smells were vivid. My life
force was high. I was a soft-hearted boy. I loved my stuffed animals. I
didn't like to kill bugs. At some point, I realized that the only way
that I would ever survive would be to get hard. I was afraid that
somebody would torture me to death if I didn't. Kids in elementary
school were very mean to me. They'd bully me and usually I didn't have
any friends. I'd run back and forth having adventures in my head. I had
a lot of fun with these. One day my stepmom tried to sneak up on me and
take a picture. I saw her though and wouldn't play anymore. She told me
she wanted to take a picture of me when I was graceful. She said it
like she loved me. I may not remember this right, but it seems like one
of the first times she was ever nice to me. But I remember other times,
too. The two of us played Mommy and Baby Cheetah one night. That was a
little silly.
I hit puberty early. I started having full orgasms at ten, I think.
Girls rejected me, though. Late at night, I would masturbate and dream
about enslaving and raping my female classmates. I also had milder
fantasies. Well, it's an odd world, huh? I can't make much sense of
anything.

5/24/04

Dear diary, long time no talk. I'm listening to the vines "highly
evolved." I think things are getting better for me these days. I'm
working hard in school. I've sold myself out in the trial but at least
the stress is gone. A long time ago(I was actually having kind of a
rough time in Sweden), I realized that everything would be okay if I
could just avoid disaster. That's why I took the plea bargain.
I wish I weren't so dependent on substances. When I'm down, I drown
myself in caffeine to get up. As soon as things are going well for me,
I reach for the bottle to celebrate. It's gotta end.
Kitty's coming over tonight. I've got gummi worms and lollipops, which
I intend to use in dirty ways. Before she comes over, I'm going to get
high as the sky. I'm going to fuck her like a bitch, hard. I sodomized
Monique last night. She's a sweet girl.

(sketch of a burning pyramid with a cloud of smoke over it)

Rome is burning motherfuckers!

5/26/2004

I'm high. I suppose that passion is the only thing I really have. I'm
stupid, ugly, eccentric and anal retentive. I have no good qualities
really except an incredible enthusiasm, "a romance for life" as F.
Scott Fitzgerald called it. I just want success so badly that I get it.
I cling to life so fanatically that I live. Nothing stands in my
way.

Conscience- what a trite idea. How stupid! What a monster I've become.
I've gone so far into my own world, you could never know me. No one in
our society could ever understand me. I believe in polygamy, anarchy,
mass murder, whatever gets the job done. I love extreme sexual deviancy
like incest and bestiality. I lie all the time, just because it's more
fun than telling the truth.
I suppose my utopia would be... a very calm society, a society where
scholars ruled. Art, science and philosophy would be the main object of
our society, as opposed to industry and marketing.
I suppose they might spend ten million dollars to create the perfect
poem and it might be ten lines long. They would do it for beauty's
sake.
But it all has to start with the downfall of our current society. It
all has to break. No more suburban houses, no more Starbucks, no more
spoiled American kids. Break their skateboards and give them canings.
No more snobby intellectuals who never had a deep thought in their
lives. It all has to burn in one gigantic fire; we'll create hell on
earth.
Only then can a new, pure society rise like a phoenix out of the
ashes. We'll have a new Eden. Everything will be simple again. Spears
and fish roasting over the fire. It own't even matter if we bring back
the rockets. We'll have the spiritual maturity to live at one with
nature.

(strange drawings of snakes and anarchy signs. "Philosophical Anarchy"
is scrawled across the page)

A strange and beautiful anarchy, the twisted remains of things gone
wrong. Here among the ruins, we are beautiful again. The moon overhead,
as longely as the stillness of a lake. Green hills stretch out for
miles; there's no one here for days. Well, anarchy is sympathy and
love's the end of our hate. We'll build again; we'll carve and grow a
beautiful new empire. We'll do so when we bring back the sun through
mass, mass human sacrifice.