Eish! London 24 July

Friday, 24th July
Actual diary entry 19h00:
I’m eating in a restaurant alongside the Thames called CHOPSTIX. It’s a £7.00 ‘eat-as-much-as-you-like’ Chinese Noodle Bar. Yes, once again I’m writing in a restaurant. This time I’m scribbling on a TC branded mini-notepad with a London Fire Brigade pen. I can only fit about 50 words on a page! Dinner thus far: Fried rice, caramalised sesame chicken, BBQ ribs, sweet & sour chicken and battered fish. Typical that my first battered fish in London would be at a Chinese restaurant; only me. Another interesting thing is that the Sweet & Sour chicken is battered before it’s fried up in the sauce with the veggies. I must admit I find it a bit odd on the taste buds: flavour fried batter.

I came down to the Thames River to finally get on the London Eye, but the queue was so long that I wandered to the ladies instead as I’m battling with embarrassing bladder and flatulence problems. It sucks! As I often have random thoughts in random places, today was no exception. In the London Eye Ladies Facilities the thought that crossed my mind was: “What are you doing here Shannan?” Obviously I didn’t mean in the actual loo, but in London in general, and I didn’t have an answer. Originally I wanted to perform at the Globe Theatre, but I now knew that wasn’t really an option. Amateur theatre would have to be my new performance goal: Perform in London.

Am I here for dancing? It has become clear to me that the answer is: “Not with my back and spine challenges.” Never mind my age and lack of certificates. Professional dancing doesn’t seem like an option for me. After my sessions with choreographers and teachers, it has become apparent that my attitude is not one where I listen to them, and I don’t want to ‘fit in’ with their visions and moves. I’ve also never managed to find a partner to dance with… At this point in my thought pattern the song on my iPod was Natasha Benningfield’s “Unwritten”. My loo-ponderings and unanswered questions gave me a desire to sit and write about what is going on in my brain and with my stay here. At the top of the exit stairs I found CHOPSTIX, a good enough spot to sit down and try and get some food and perspective on things.

Yes, another restaurant on my own. Lord, when will the ‘on my own’ part of my life end? Another question I can’t answer. Back on track: “Unwritten”… Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe that’s why I’m here, to write. To give writing a good go… So I need a laptop and time to write whilst feeding myself and accommodating my survival with an income. Maybe ‘nannying’ would work after all; it wouldn’t be a bad option right now. Once again being stuck in an office has made me remember that I don’t like offices and team building and compulsory friendships. I’ve realised I’m still very much a loner and still very different to all these so-called: “Normal” people. Directing! Now that’s something I’d be good at! That’s something I’d enjoy. How did I get to directing from writing and offices? I do confuse myself. Time for more food…more BBQ chicken I reckon. I’ll be back.

Yes, I’m battling in a corporate environment. They are all such happy team players and Francis gets so upset with me because I don’t join in and get involved with the excitement and office discussions they all have. I’d rather get my work done and head home earlier. I’ve even moved myself out of the general office and into a smaller one where a desk became available (hence why I was near the FBI board for those ISPs) and I could get some quiet from their continuous conversation. Does that make me anti-social? Maybe, but at least I’m producing some good work. I had a bit of a tense moment though because I was on Yahoo! When the ‘big boss’ walked by my desk, and being on Yahoo! is ‘illegal’, but You Tube is fine. How does that make sense? It’s also ok to be on the internet setting up all your holidays and travel plans and not doing much work at all, but don’t you dare Yahoo! Mail. Apparently, to make matters worse, my internet account is continually audited to make sure I’m behaving. So not cool. So not my scene. Worst of all I feel guilty for my little bit of time on Yahoo! And no-one else feels guilty about You Tube or organising their holidays. Why do I have such a ridiculous conscience? So not cool. It may end up that they terminate my contract for not being a ‘team player’ and using too much Yahoo! Seeing as I’m clearly not a fun person to work with and I enjoy my solitary time, maybe an unsociable writer really would be the perfect career for me…

Back to the loo-question: I’m definitely travelling and seeing lots of new things. I’m also making the money I need to see it all. Unfortunately I’m not saving anything. I have no idea how I’m going to start again in South Africa without some start up capital. Still, this is a ‘once-in-a-lifetime opportunity’, I can’t let money get in the way. So I’m not saving money, good thing that wasn’t one of my priorities when I left home!

If I am going to write, then I need a laptop, not just these little mini-notebooks. I need to start getting it all down. I’ve been writing for over an hour and it looks like they are going to throw me out, or roll me out, after my 3 servings! They must close at 20h00. So the answer to my loo-question: I’m here to learn about myself for sure, explore all the options available to me and observe and listen to the outcomes. Lord please lead and guide me in this process, it’s a tough one! Thanks Lord.

Oh dear, my tummy is seriously too full. I feel nauseous. Blah!