Break the Child: chapter Twenty-Seven: the Next Stage

I’m really tired, I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m kind of emotional, too. There’s so much going on and everything’s got really bad with some good stuff and lots of scary stuff all at the same time.  I suppose the big news is that mum’s getting a carer for an hour every morning starting on Monday. A woman’s going to come into our house and bath Mum every day because she can’t do it for herself anymore, something really bad happened last night and it changed everything.

            Dad didn’t notice that Mum wasn’t getting a bath and then he realised that she wasn’t bathing or washing her hair or brushing her teeth, or anything. How could he not notice? She’d hadn’t cleaned herself for like, a week. I suppose when you expect that something’s happening—you just accept that it is. And you only notice it isn’t when the stink gets really bad.

            I bathed my own mother last night. That sounds huge doesn’t it, like really gross and horrible and it was a bit. She’s got boobs and pubic hair and stuff, but you know, everything happened so fast and I just had to do it. And when you have to do something really horrible, and it just comes on you all of a sudden, you don’t have time to get all embarrassed or grossed out. You just do it. Which doesn’t mean that it wasn’t embarrassing, it so was, I’ve never seen my mum naked before, but I just took a big breath and got on with it.

             I got in from seeing Danny, then I had to do my homework and Dad had a go at me for leaving it so late. Mum was kind of normal last night and told him to leave me alone. She was all chatty and trying to have a big conversation with us, but she kept forgetting her words halfway through a sentence. She was good though and I even told her about Danny when dad went out to make the dinner. She said that I’m too young to have a boyfriend and not to be in a big rush to grow up but then she forgot what we were talking about. But while it was just me and her I couldn’t stop talking about him and she kept smiling at me and stroking my hair. We were talking about the baby, too, and when I said about wanting to walk him in the park she said, ‘You’ll make a wonderful mother, Linda.’ She thought I was her sister again, she does that a lot. It used to upset me, but I just laugh about it now. I told her it wasn’t me that was having a baby, I said it was her and she looked at her bump as if to say, ‘How the heck it that get in there?’ And then she said something hilarious, she’d remembered that I was her daughter by this point and she said, ‘I shall have to have strong words with your father.’ Being with mum like that, it was a good night, you know? We have to take the good ones when they come now `cause most of them aren’t.

            I went to bed and Mum’s good day turned into a really bad night. I woke up to hear Dad shouting. He sounded really stressy. ‘For goodness sake, Annie, why didn’t you wake me up?’ And then I heard Mum getting upset, she was crying and I got out of bed and went to their room to see what was up.

            Dad was holding Mum and stroking her hair and saying, ‘It’s all right. It’s all right. Don’t worry about it, Annie.’

            And Mum was saying, ‘I didn’t know. I didn’t know.’

            And Dad said, ‘Shush now darling, it’s nothing. Worse things happen at sea,’ which sounded like a really stupid thing to say. Dad saw me and said, ‘It’s okay, Katie, go back to bed.’ All the bedding had been pulled off their bed and was in a heap on the floor. I saw a big wet patch on the mattress. And that’s when I saw that Mum’s nightie was all wet. She pulled away from Dad and looked at me and she was all teary and upset. ‘Katie, I weed the bed.’ Sometimes she knows who I am and sometimes she doesn’t. Dad just had his boxers on, and he had a big wet patch on them, too, from where he’d been cuddling up to mum. He saw me looking and we were all embarrassed and so he said, ‘And I haven’t wet the bed. This is from your Mother.’ And we all laughed, and dad grabbed some pyjama bottoms, which he never wears, and went into the en suite to change.

            ‘Dad, if you want to get a shower, I’m okay looking after Mum.’ I said.

            ‘Well really, Katie, what an odd thing to say. I don’t need looking after. I just came upstairs to get some money. I’m going to get some eggs.’

            ‘No. Its okay, Katie,’ Dad replied from the bathroom, ‘she’s a bit upset. I’ll be out in a sec.’

            ‘I am not upset, I’ve just been chopping onions, that’s all.’

            ‘Ugh, you’re not going to put pyjamas on without washing the wee off, are you? You’ll stink. Get a shower. Mum’s fine, now.’ It was like I was the grown up. 

            ‘What do you want eggs for Mum?’ I asked to take her mind of the wee all over her nightie. I held her hand and led her to the family bathroom.

            ‘You can’t have eggs now dear, don’t be silly, it’s the middle of the night.’

            I put the plug in the bath and turned both taps on. I remembered about engaging Mum, so I asked her which bubble bath she wanted, and she picked the magnolia one. ‘Take your nightie off, Mum.’ I said as the bath filled, but she just stood there. I had to help her to take it off and it stuck all the way up her body.

            ‘Ooh, it’s cold. Why is it all wet?’

            ‘You’ve had a little accident, Mum, don’t worry, you’ll be nice and warm when you get in the bath. I was bending over the taps so that I didn’t have to look at her and I swirled the water round with my hand. But I’ve never bathed another person before; I had no idea how hot to make it.

            ‘Try that, Mum, and see if it’s the right temperature.’ She lifted one leg to get in. ‘No, try it with your hand first. I don’t want to burn you.’

            She put her hand in and then without saying anything she got in and went to sit down. ‘Ooh, it’s cold.’ She sat in it anyway and I was glad not to have to see her bottom bits anymore, but her boobs were still there, and her nipples were sticking out with the cold. I turned away and put more hot water in the bath until she told me that it was just right. Then after getting the bath water right, I had to do it all over again with the shower fitting. I washed her hair and we chatted about Danny. But then I went quiet because I remembered all the times that Mum had washed my hair while I sat in the bath when I was a little girl. I asked her if she remembered and she laughed and told me that when I was very little we didn’t have a shower over the bath and so she used to use a watering can and I’d giggle while she rinsed my hair and then she started singing a song about Bill and Ben the flower pot men, whoever the heck they are. 

            Dad opened the bathroom door and looked in. ‘You okay?’  I turned around and nodded at him. ‘You shouldn’t have to do that. Do you want me to take over?’ he asked. I shook my head and told him we were fine. And we were, you know? In a horrible sort of way, it was nice.

            ‘Oh, shut the door, Stephen, you’re letting all the heat out,’ Mum shouted at him, she only calls him Stephen when she’s mad at him. Dad put a clean nightie and her dressing gown on the wicker basket by the sink and left.

            I’d finished washing Mum’s hair and put some shower gel on her scrunchie. I handed it to her. ‘Here mum, give yourself a wash with this.’ She started to wash, and I was so glad that I didn’t have to do that, too. But then she stood up to wash her bottom half and her feet and I got all embarrassed again. I had the shower ready for her and handed it to her to rinse her body. She can still wash herself okay once you introduce her to soap and water. I’m glad.

             I got a big fluffy towel and opened it for her to stand into. I was relieved when she was covered up again. I was going to leave the room then, but her towel fell of and she was just going to walk out naked. She’d forgotten all about drying herself and putting her nightie on. I sighed, it was no good being embarrassed, my Mum needs a lot of help. I have to get used to that. I dried her with the towel and handed her night clothes to her. I went to get her slippers from the bedroom and told her to come in and I’d dry her hair. Dad had made the bed with the poppy bedding. He must have turned the mattress over, but it had all that wee in it. I wondered if their bedroom would stink of it all the time.

            She walked into the bedroom with her burgundy dressing gown all buttoned up wrong and I had this sudden urge to hug her. I’ve grown while she’s gone mental; I come right up to her shoulder. She sat at the dressing table and I was behind her and brushed her hair out before drying it with the hair dryer.  She was watching me in the mirror, ‘You’re so pretty, Kate,’ she said. ‘Just think, one day you’ll be all grown up and getting married,’ and then she went a bit sad, ‘I hope I can be there at your wedding.’

            ‘Of course, you will, you’re my Mum,’ I said, but I had a big lump in my throat.

            ‘It’s getting worse, Kate, isn’t it?’

            I didn’t know what to say. I wanted my Dad there to take over the conversation, but he was downstairs. I could hear him stirring a cup of tea in the kitchen. ‘Yes, it’s getting worse, but you’re still my mum, and I love you.’

            ‘And I love you Katie, so very much, just know that in your heart, will you. Know it always and never forget.’

            I kissed the top of her head, just like Danny had kissed me and I wondered how I didn’t know then that he liked me because it’s a special kind of kiss. ‘Even when you forget,’ I answered her and we both laughed.

            When her hair was dry she looked so pretty, she’s only thirty-five and still very beautiful. Sometimes the dementia makes her look even more beautiful than she used to because she doesn’t have to worry about stuff. She looks like a little girl who’s all locked up inside my mum. Her hair is long and brown; Dad says it’s called Auburn. It was really shiny, and she thanked me for doing it for her. I told her that it was bedtime; like I was the mother, and she took her dressing gown off and got into bed. It was four o’clock in the morning and she never told me off about being up so late when I had school in the morning. I wish she had. I was going to turn out the light, but she got all upset again.

            ‘Where’s Steve? Where’s Steve? Why isn’t he here with me? I want Steve?’

            ‘It’s okay Mum, he’s just downstairs having a cuppa and he’ll be up soon.’ She kept looking at his side of the bed and I could see that she wasn’t going to settle. She heaved herself up, it isn’t easy for her to get up now because of the baby. She was going to start wandering again so I lay on Dad’s side of the bed and held her hand. She was asleep in five minutes.

            Dad wasn’t in the kitchen, I found him sitting in the conservatory in the dark. ‘Is it okay to turn the light on?’ I asked. I didn’t know if he wanted to be on his own. It’s hard for him, too.

            ‘Sure, baby, sure, come in.’ I went in and sat next to him; he put his arm around me and pulled me in really close. ‘Do you have any idea how proud I am of you? Nobody should have to do what you did for your Mum tonight. You were amazing.’ I was embarrassed again. We talked for a bit and Dad told me that he was going to ring the social worker to tell her that Mum was wetting the bed now. I said it might just be a one off and he said that he didn’t think so. It was just the next thing to get used to. He said he’d get waterproof covers for the mattress and stuff. I asked him if he’d get single beds now and it was his turn to blush. ‘Kate,’ he said,’ I’ve slept beside your Mum since the day we wed and I’m not going to let a bit of wee come between us. If it happens again, we’ll see about getting the right clothing for her.  I just knew that he meant nappies and I remembered what the kids at school had said. I told Dad that I’m scared about what comes next. He knew I was upset and started teasing me, to make me laugh. Then, when I said goodnight and was going back to bed, he said to me.  ‘Your Mum tells me you’ve got a boyfriend.’  Now how did she remember that?  I could have killed her.

            It took me a long time to get back to sleep. Even thinking about me and Danny didn’t help but then I went to sleep and then it was time to get up again. And now I’m too tired to tell you all about school today so it’ll have to wait until tomorrow. After last night, I’m so sleepy.