Fake (The)

He was a bloke less ordinary that was her initial opinion of
him.

"Well Sall it is three minutes past twelve which makes it officially
your birthday. I feel a dare coming on." Janet gazed at Sally through
vodka clouded eyes.

"Hmmmm just so long as it doesn't involve moving because my shoes are
pissed and there's no way I could possibly trust them to hold me up in
their present condition."

The three girls laughed. Jan, Jane and Sally had come out to celebrate
Sall's birthday

"Well as a matter of fact it does involve moving, but not very far you
only have to stagger as far as the bar. You up for it?"

"Depends" Said a doomed Sall "Go on."

"You see that bloke over there?" Jan grinned broadly she knew her
friend would not be able to resist the dare. Sall groaned loudly
already suspicious of what was coming.

"Which one? Big bloke on the left obviously very married and built like
a brick out house?"

"Yep that's the fella. All you have to do is go and snog him.
Simple!"

"Oh give that girl a medal for originality" cut in Jane "Poor
Sall."

"You can't make me do this." Moaned Sall petulantly. Please don't make
me do this. I can't. I can't go up to a total stranger and just snog
him. Come on you two. I'll buy the next round even though it isn't my
turn. I'll treat us all to pizza on the way home. I'll I'll I'll do all
the ironing for a month. Don't make me do this."

"But it's a dare." Said Janet and you can't back out of a dare.

"Worse" said Jane " The stakes have just been raised to a double dog
dare. You'd never live it down if you didn't do it." She grinned the
evil grin of a Great Dane just before he shags a Yorkshire Terrier "you
go girl!" she added for good measure in a mock American accent.

"Okay. Okay. I'll do it" the other two cheered loudly causing the eyes
of every person in the relatively quite pub to turn upon them. "I know
when I'm beaten, but just think on this I will have my revenge and it
will be sweet."

Sall leaned forward and decisively drained the last of her vodka and
coke. "Lipppy" she demanded holding her hand out to Jane who obligingly
rooted in her handbag until she found the dark purple lipstick.

Janet and Jane knew what was coming but they never tired of seeing it,
and were already laughing in the hope that this time for the first time
ever She would make a mess of it. Sally took the top off the lipstick
and turned it upside down, holding it at arms length she peered into
the dull black top as though it was a mirror and expertly applied her
lipstick with the other hand. She had explained many times that it was
a psychological illusion. The brain knows where the lips are. It is
only lack of confidence that requires the use of a mirror. Fool the
brain into thinking that you are looking into a mirror and voila the
lipstick goes on smoothly and perfectly in place. Regardless of how
much vodka has been consumed. Sall smacked her lips together and glared
at her friends.

"Oh do I have to?" she wailed

"Go," shouted her friends in unison.

Sall walked in a remarkably straight line over to the group of men
standing by the bar. Not for the first time she wished she was eight
foot four tall. At five foot ten she told herself that she wasn't over
weight she was just under height. "Dear God" she thought "Please just
give me a Barbie doll body for the next three minutes." The good lord
remained unobliging.

The men parted like four-day-old milk as Sall homed in on her target.
She tapped him gently on the shoulder and he turned from his pint to
look at her. "Excuse me love?" She asked blushing furiously.

"Yes?" He looked puzzled.

"You see those two reprobates over there?" she pointed at Jan and Jane
who were grinning like a pair of imbeciles and giving exaggerated
thumbs-up signals in her direction. The man grinned and nodded "Well as
of about five minutes ago it is my birthday, and its sort of a
tradition that you have to do a dare on your Birthday. And I'm really
sorry to have to tell you this but they've dared me to come over and
snog you." At this point a great cheer went up from the assembled men
and they began whooping and chanting. "Do you mind?" Sall adorned what
she hoped was her best pleading expression and finished lamely "I
understand perfectly if you do."

The man turned full on to face Sall and spread his arms. His face
cracked into a huge smile. "Well love that's the best offer I've had
all night. I couldn't refuse a damsel in distress now could I? You go
for it darlin`" At that moment Sall could have kissed him for real just
for the fact that he was such a good sport and hadn't made even more of
a fool of her than she was already making of herself. She moved into
the circle of his arms and their lips met in a full on snog that lasted
just long enough for Sall to win the bet. She was the first to break
the bond of union that she had forced on the poor unsuspecting man.
"Thank-you" she whispered with all sincerity.

She turned round to her friends punching the air and doing a little
victory dance. "Rack `em up girls. It is without a doubt your round."
She took a step towards the girls who were still jumping up and down
and cheering like idiots but she was stopped by a warm hand on her
wrist. She turned back round to the bar, to be confronted by the most
intelligent, laughing eyes she had seen in a long time.

"Hey! Where's mine?" Asked the tall, good-looking man. Sall blushed
bright red but couldn't break the lock that his grey eyes had her held
in. He was amused by her discomfort and grinned widely at her.

"Oh the dare only called for me to kiss one person. Sorry." She said
trying desperately to regain some composure. She smiled coyly at him
and gently pulled her arm from his grasp.

"Whoo what did HE want?" Asked Jane as a red faced and much-flustered
Sall took her seat.

"Oh you know just another man who wanted me to favour him with a kiss.
Happens all the time when you're drop dead gorgeous like me." She dared
a sneaky look at the man and he was still smiling over at her. He
raised his glass in salute and Sall hastily turned back to listen to
whatever it was Jan was saying.

"Well lasses one last drink and we'll head off home eh?" The beauty of
the Brown Calf was that drinking time at the weekend came to a close
when the last person left the bar. Half the town would congregate there
for the lock-in. "I think Sall should go to the bar and get them
though. I think someone wants to talk to her" Said Jane slyly forcing a
ten-pound note into Sall's hand. Sall was secretly glad to have an
excuse to go back to the bar.

The bar area was crowded and she had to plead her way through. Although
she felt the eyes of the tall man on her the whole time she made a
point of not looking in his direction. She was just taking her change
when she felt a hand on her hair. "C'mon, tell the truth. This is not
for real is it?" It was him and she felt her heart rate shift up a
gear.

"Oh you've sussed me out, and of course you are quite right it's a
wig." Sall grabbed a handful of her hair and held it out to the man
"Here have a pull, careful though or it'll be off in your hand." He
took the offered hair, rubbed it through his fingers and then bent down
to smell it.

"I have never seen hair like it, so soft and it smells beautiful."
Sally gave immense thanks to the God of Pantene for giving her this
moment. Her hair was jet black apart from the odd grey tendril round
her ears that couldn't be seen and it fell to her waist in length. It
was sall's pride and joy and all she felt that she had appearance wise
to be proud of. She went to great trouble to make sure that her hair
was always kept nice.

Suddenly it seemed the ice was well and truly broken between the two.
He introduced himself as Paul and soon they were chatting animatedly
oblivious to the fact that the dare twins were sitting back at the
table without drinks.

"Can I be very forward?" he asked after about ten minutes of
conversation. Oh Oh thought Sall this is it; I'm either going to like
the next sentence or its going to be another of those 'another one
bites the dust' moments.

"Go on" she answered frowning at him warily.

"Hey don't look so worried." He said softly taking one of her hands in
both of his.

"You know the bloke you kissed earlier?"

"No I don't know him but go on." This was sounding iffy she
thought.

"Well I do and he's getting married tomorrow. Thing is Sall, that lot
are all paired off and going as couples and I'm stuck on my todd. I
don't suppose you'd do me the honour of being my guest would
you?"

Sally didn't know what to say. First dates were always awkward and to
be going to a wedding with a pack of strangers was nerve wracking to
say the least, but she'd have rocks in her head if she said no. He
might not ask her out again. Her face must have been registering her
doubts because Paul dragged her across the room to where his friends
had congregated round the pool table. "Hey Gary mate. You don't mind if
I bring Sally to the do tomorrow night do you?"

Gary winked at her "Well as long as she's not going to make a habit of
snogging me every two minutes. Julie'll have me in the divorce courts
before I get me conjugal shag" Everybody laughed and Sally blushed
furiously.

"Oh don't you worry Gary love, you are perfectly safe, I couldn't go
through that again." Gary played the part of being devastated. "Hey
whats wrong with snogging me? Women don't usually have any complaints."
Any doubts Sall had about having a good night the following evening
vanished. She liked Paul's friends very much.

When she finally went back to Jan and Jane Paul came too and asked if
he could walk her home. She explained that the three of them lived
together and always walked home together and he said that he would be
happy to walk all three ladies home. It was obvious that Jan and Jane
liked him too. They kept nudging her and giving out 'go for it'
signals.

Jane put the key in the lock and Jan ushered everybody into the house,
including Paul. "Right then." She said, "I'll put the kettle on."
Amazingly as soon as they had finished their coffee, the Jays as Sall
collectively called them began yawning exaggeratedly. Their 'I'm so
tired' act would have been funny if it hadn't been so embarrassingly
transparent. They bid Sall and Paul goodnight and went to bed.

As soon as they had gone Paul moved closer to her on the settee and
snaked an arm around her shoulders. He drew her towards him and they
kissed. Sall let all the barriers slip away from her and she gave
herself to the moment. They kissed for a long time, interspersed with
brief snatches of conversation. It felt good. Sall felt wanted for the
first time in ages.

Paul's kisses became just slightly more demanding. His hand moved up on
to her breast. "You've got gorgeous big breasts" he murmured into her
ear. This was starting to go too fast. She pushed his arm down and her
body stiffened. The barriers came down like re-enforced shutters and
she pulled away from him.

He looked searchingly into her eyes confused by her reaction. "I'm
sorry. I'm so sorry I thought&;#8230;" His sentence tailed
away

"No. No it's my fault. I'm sorry. I just need you to know that before I
get too carried away with you, that I'd like it to be more than just a
drunken fumble. I want it to mean something. I just&;#8230;" now it
was her turn to let the sentence fade away. She had no idea what to say
next. She felt wretched. Had she blown it? Would he think she was some
kind of frigid neurotic?

"Hey it's okay. It's okay" He pulled her into him and buried his hands
in her hair. She could hear his heartbeat as he kissed her forehead
gently. "Listen Sall. I like you, I want to be with you, and yes I want
to make love with you, but not until you are ready and the time is
right. So I'll be a good boy and wait." He finished this with a look so
pathetically 'little boy lost' and repentant that Sall laughed.

"You okay?" he asked. Sall smiled and nodded. Right then sweetheart
it's late and I really should be going. You get a good night's sleep
and I'll see you tomorrow. We are all right for tomorrow aren't we? I
haven't blown it?"

Sall smiled at him. "Of course we are and I'm really looking forward to
it" she kissed him full and soft and long. Paul was the first one to
break the kiss.

"Hmmm easy girl, you're sending me home to a cold lonely bed remember."
He gazed down into her eyes, dropped a last kiss on her cheek and was
gone. Sall smiled all the way up the stairs and was still smiling when
sleep came to claim her.

And so they fell into a really good relationship based primarily on
friendship. More than once over the next month Paul left Sall's house
with an uncomfortable tightness in the front of his jeans. She loved
the way he never pushed her, and she wanted it to be right before she
took him to her bed. Both Paul and Sall led active lives both with
their own set of friends. This meant that sometimes they would go
several days without seeing each other and then out of the blue one of
them would turn up on the other one's doorstep. This suited Sall, she
would have preferred just a little bit more order to even out the
randomness of it all, but as she reasoned it out to herself she was
more or less happy and he seemed to be, so why rock the boat.

It was a Saturday night four weeks from the day they met that 'the time
felt right'. The girls had been out for their usual Saturday night of
fun and Paul had met up with Sall as arranged for last orders. Since
that first night he had been very careful with his advances their
petting had been welterweight rather than heavy in description and any
'moves' had come from Sally.

His hand rested gently on her shoulder as she kissed him hard. She
closed her palm over the back of his fingers and gradually moved is
hand down towards her breast. "Touch me" she whispered into his mouth"
His hand cupped her breast and began to explore its softness as she
lowered her fingers to his upper thigh. He squirmed making whichever
part of him she wanted to touch available, and slowly her fingers
traced their way up his inner thigh to rest lightly on his
erection.

"I want you Sally. God I want you so much."

"I want you too" she murmured."

He took her hand and led her across the room. At the bottom of the
stairs Sally stopped him. She stroked the back of his hand distractedly
as she searched hard for the words that she had to say before they went
any further.

"Paul I &;#8230;I haven't been with many men" She began hesitantly
but then the words started to tumble over themselves in her effort to
make herself understood. " I'm terrified of waking up one day and not
be able to remember the names or faces of all the men I've slept with.
I don't want a long string of meaningless lovers. I want one man. One
man that I can care about and who in turn will care about me. Look at
me Paul, I'm not the type of person people fall in love with, and
that's okay, really it is. But I want to know, I need to know that this
isn't just a quick fling for you. That it means something more.

"Daft Sod" he said "`Course I care about you. Let's just see how things
work out eh? Let's just enjoy each other and see how it goes. I like
you. You're funny and kind and sweet but don't get too serious eh? Not
yet, it'll just spoil things."

She couldn't leave it at that. "I just want to know that it's more than
just sex. If that's all you want Paul you can do so much better than
me. I've been hurt by men who have pretended to want me and then, when
they haven't got what they wanted from me have turned nasty and just
dumped me. And worse than that, even the couple who have got what they
wanted have rejected me afterwards too. I'm not just an easy Saturday
night shag. I won't be that for anybody" She finished lamely but with
determination battling for space in her eyes against prickly unshed
tears.

"Hey Sall c'mon this isn't like you. What's with the third degree? I
know you've been hurt before. I can't promise you my heart and soul
forever and ever okay, but I can promise not to hurt you. You hear me I
won't hurt you. I promise" he looked at her with open sincerity shining
through his eyes. And that was all that Sally wanted to know. She was
ready.

Their lovemaking was good. They made love hard and long all that night
and late into the following morning. Jan knocked on Sally's bedroom
door saying that she'd made coffee. Sall told her to come in and
grinned at the shocked look on Jan's face when she saw Paul in bed
beside her.

"Well its about time you two got it together, you've been messing about
for weeks" she said recovering her composure. Sall grinned like a chimp
with a packet of crisps. "Thank God for insulated walls," said Jan as
she left the room to make another cup of coffee for Paul. Sall couldn't
help but notice the way Paul admired her shapely legs, legs far better
than Sall's own . He'd also let the sheet slip to reveal far more of
his naked body than was decent. Sall felt a stab of jealousy and
another of unease.

Although the intimacy they shared had been good, it hadn't been tender.
Sall had no complaints she liked hard energetic sex and yet there was
still a need in her to be kisses softly and stroked all over with light
gentle fingers. After the previous nights passion her body now ached to
be loved again, but this time slowly and gently. Sally wanted to feel
precious.

As Paul sipped at his coffee, Sall lowered her head to his chest and
began to kiss his nipple so, so gently. Her fingers made swirling
circles in his chest hair and her breath rippled along his skin in warm
currents as her breathing began to harden.

"Hey, Hey, Hey Give a guy a break how many times do you think I can
perform without a rest? And anyway sweetheart I've got to go. Things to
do. People to see.

And then he was gone.

Sall walked round smiling for the rest of the day. She firmly pushed
those niggling doubts to the back of her mind, telling herself that
they could all be ironed out with time. After all Paul hadn't been with
a woman for quite a while. Of course he was going to be a little bit
eager. She grinned as she reminded herself that her part in the
proceedings could hardly be described as reticent. As for him rushing
off like that, well she already knew that he played golf every Sunday
afternoon with the lads. Perfectly understandable, she wouldn't break a
date with the lasses for him &;#8230; would she?

She changed the bed that afternoon, putting crisp, clean bedding on
just in case he came that night. She felt sure that he'd be back for
more, it had been so good. This was the start of something special. She
had a new Boyfriend. Sall tried out the word a few times and it felt
good. Nothing had ever been said about the terms of their relationship,
but now that they had slept together well of course he was her
boyfriend. It felt right. Every thought she had that day was in some
way connected with Paul. Every song she listened to was played for him
and every breath she took was one less that she'd have to take before
she saw him again. For Sally everything had changed she had slept with
Paul and that meant that she had given of her whole self to him. Before
that act she could have walked away from him with barely a tear but now
they were connected and Sally had fallen hard.

Much to the two J's disgust she spent over two hours in the bathroom
that evening. She soaked in the bath for ages daydreaming of the night
to come. She dressed in her prettiest underwear. Paul was going to
learn a lesson or two in the sensual art of seduction when he arrived.
She had put a casserole in the oven earlier at the same time as she had
bribed the J's to make themselves scarce that night. If she and Paul
weren't immediately hungry for casserole, then it could be eaten much,
much later without anything spoiling.

At eleven thirty just before the J's were due back from the pub, Sally
turned the oven off and went to be alone. "Silly cow" she told herself
"It's not as though he said he was coming tonight is it?"

He didn't come the next night or the one after that. In fact it was
almost a whole week before she saw him again, and he never seemed to be
in when she called. The following Saturday night he came over from the
bar with a drink for her and plonked himself down at their table. She
made a sarcastic remark about it being a wonder that he could remember
what she liked to drink. He was full of apologies and explained that he
had been busy and had spent a couple of days away from home with work.
He turned up the charm to the max and Sall couldn't stay mad with him
for long.

The sex that night followed pretty much the same pattern as the time
before. The following morning Paul got up and left early. Sall no
longer thought of it as lovemaking, after just two nights of sharing a
bed together, what was happening between them had been demoted to just
sex. She wasn't going to give up though. She would talk to him. Most of
their time together was great. They still laughed a lot and had fun. It
would be all right she just had to make him more aware of her
needs.

He did turn up that night. He'd rung to say he'd be round at about six.
He turned up at nine thirty stinking of beer. She fed him. He ate. She
fixed coffee. He drank. She sat on the settee. He sat on the chair at
the other side of the room. She knew what was coming. He didn't need to
say it. She didn't want him to say it. Couldn't bear to hear it. But
she knew.

He coughed clearing his throat nervously. The atmosphere was thick any
voice would find it difficult against the fog of tension.

'Don't speak. Please don't speak, don't say anything at all' she
thought pleading against what she knew was coming. She locked her eyes
into the image on the television screen. She was engrossed. It would be
rude to interrupt. 'Don't say anything&;#8230; please'.

"Sall &;#8230;.I" 'This is it. Oh God this is it. Nothing is going
to stop it happening. Even if I throw up right here and now all over
the carpet, it won't stop what's coming.' She wanted to throw up, her
stomach was tightening and contracting with every second that
passed.

He began again. "Sall" and then he just blurted it out. "Sall can we go
back to just being friends?"

'He said it. The Bastard'

Salll turned in her seat and looked at him for a fraction of a second
before she had to turn away from him, away from those eyes.

"Okay" she said nonchalantly As though he'd asked if she'd like another
cup of coffee.

"I'd prefer it" he finished

'Don't ask. You don't need to know. Let it go Sall. Don't humiliate
yourself any further, you already know the answer &;#8230;don't ask
&;#8230; don't ask'

"Why?" asked a tiny voice from the huddled, pathetic form at the far
end of the settee.

"I'm sorry Sall but I need to be honest with you. I really like you,
and you deserve so much more than being with a man who's ashamed to be
seen with you."

"What do you mean?" she asked knowing all to well exactly what he
meant.

"I've been taking a lot of stick from my friends and my brothers. It's
hard Sall, I've tried not to let it bother me&;#8230;"

She cut in on him. This time she did want to know why but it was a
different why from before. Her voice was hard the bitter edge already
pronounced in every carefully enunciated vowel.

"If I'm so ugly, why go to bed with me? I told you Paul. I told you I
don't sleep around, that you were special to me. That it meant
something. That you meant something dammit. Why did you do that Paul?
You promised you wouldn't hurt me." Her voice held a whining note now
and she hated herself for it.

"If I'm so fucking ugly why did you sleep with me?" She yelled this at
him across the room, each spat word coated with anger and hurt.

"I'm so sorry Sall. I know I shouldn't have done. I knew at the time I
shouldn't have done it. But Christ Sall I'm a weak man. When I've had a
drink my dick wants sex. Any man will tell you Sall when you get horny
after a pint it's so hard to think straight and be
sensible&;#8230;"

Again she cut in on his next words."Your dick wants sex?" Is that all
it was? Hell, not even you the person wanted sex, just your dick? Is
that all I was to you?"

"Yes" he said in a small voice "I want to be honest. I'm sorry"

"Honest? Fucking, Bastard, honest? I think it's a bit late in the day
for honesty don't you? Get out! You make me sick."

He looked at her once on his way to the door. It could have been a look
of apology but Sally saw it as a look of disgust mixed perhaps with a
bit of pity.

"Get out" she screamed and he went gratefully. He couldn't get out of
the house fast enough.

She cried for a long time, and maybe if the J's had been in things
would have been different. As the tears fell she battled with herself
not to do it, but the pull was too strong. The feelings too raw, the
pressure too great, the need too much.

She walked up the stairs in a daze. Words going round and round in her
head. Feelings swelling and pulsing, threatening to suffocate
her.

She looked at the razor blade in her hand for a long time.

It had been so long. So damned long since she had felt the thin flat
piece of steel between her fingers. Fifteen years since the last time
and nearly all of the scars had faded away to nothing. She didn't need
to cry anymore, she was going to have the satisfaction of getting rid
of the evil, tainted, ugly blood.

She winced and it felt good as she drew the blade across the flesh of
her thighs, her belly, her breasts. Not deep enough to do any serious
damage, if she was very lucky not even deep enough to leave permanent
scars but deep enough to allow the dirty trapped blood its
freedom.

As she drew the blade over her skin, parting her flesh again and again
in her need for release, she repeated the same phrase, very softly over
and over.

"Ugly girl. Ugly girl. Ugly girl.