Its a special offer

SPECIAL OFFER
Karen screwed up her face and swore, the vague thought going through
her mind, that this probably wasn't the most attractive she'd ever
looked. If Bob didn't stop pointing that bloody video camera at her she
was going to ram it down his throat; sideways.
NEVER in her wildest dreams had she thought it would be like this.
Nothing could have prepared her for what she was going through. She was
sitting with her hands under her knees, bent double and looking like a
cross between a sunburnt Worzel Gummage and the angry North Wind. She
was blowing hard between her knees as she waited for this latest pain
to pass. When it had, she gasped three, four, five times waiting for
her head to clear. Then she felt her temper snapping for the three
hundred and fifty sixth time in the last ten minutes. "Will you tell
that bloody woman next door to stop screaming?" she screamed. Bob
laughed
"What are you laughing at you bloody inane fool?" she yelled.
"Ssshhh love," he soothed "It was you that was screaming!"
"Don't be so bloody stupid." It occurred to her that every sentence
she had spoken recently contained the word "bloody" she tossed around
in her mind for a new profanity, tried a couple out mentally and
shocked herself. Eventually she settled on one she thought she could
live with.
"You friggin' idiot." Again this was thrown at the hapless Bob.
"Oooohhh here we go again." Her former reticence to use foul language
seemed to have been disgarded into the bloodied kidney bowl by her
side.
"BASTARD, BASTARD, BASTARD." She screamed at the top of her lungs, not
stopping to be shocked by herself as another wave of agony washed over
her poor tortured body. Surely every fibre and cell of her being had
been taken, scrambled, de-fragmented, scrambled some more, and then
returned in a different order to her miserable wracked body.
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" she turned on her husband with all
the
edge of a fishwife, and venom of a viper.

"I HATE YOU. GO HOME PACK YOUR BAGS, AND GET OUT. I NEVER WANT TO SEE
YOU AGAIN."

Bob stared in amazement at his wife. Who the hell was this awful woman?
Surely it wasn't his sweet loving Karen who had never uttered a single
swear word in her entire life. His wife was the most serene and gentle
woman he had ever met. Was she possessed by some demon from the pits of
hell? Who was this stranger, this howling banshee?
"GET OUT. GO ON BUGGER OFF. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU MAKE ME SICK." He
stared at this vision from hell on the bed before him, was her head
going to turn round? He waited almost expectantly for the bright green
projectile vomiting he'd seen in the Exorcist. He knew what was coming
next.

He felt a tear pricking at the back of his eye. Oh they'd had their
arguments, sometimes things got a little heated but she'd NEVER, once
sworn at him, never before raised her voice to him, never once
disrespected him. He bowed his head unable to look at her any longer,
and made for the door. It wasn't meant to be like this.
"THAT'S RIGHT. GO ON WALK OUT. ABANDON ME LIKE THIS.YOU COWARD. GET
LOST"

The door slammed shut behind him almost immediately he heard wailing
coming from the room he'd just left.

"I WANT MY HUSBAND, WHERES BOBBY? OH PLEASE GET BOBBY. I CAN'T DO THIS
WITHOUT HIM."

The door opened and the stern no nonsense one with the large breasts
and pleasant smile came out. He wiped a tear away with the back of his
hand feeling ridiculous.

"Oh come on back in now. She needs you in there. Take no notice of what
she says. Honestly I've seen this a hundred times before, its always
the ones that don't normally make a fuss that say the most surprising
things." She smiled reassuringly. "She doesn't know WHAT she's saying,
and none of it means a thing. Believe me doll I see this every single
day. She's well behaved compared to some of them.

Bobby went back into the labour ward. His wife raised her arms to her
husband.
"Bobby, Bobby, where did you go? I need you. Oh Bobby I love you. Make
it stop. Bobby, make the pain go away. Don't leave me again. How could
you leave me like this?
He approached her with trepidation. The last time shed spoken nicely to
him, he'd fallen for it, got within range, and she'd slapped his face.
It still burned with the imprint of her hand.
"Hold me Bobby. I need you." Tears flew unchecked down her cheeks as
she sobbed uncontrollably. "Why did you do this to meeeee." She wailed.
"How could you hurt me like this?"
"Eighteen hours and counting." This had become a nightmare, nobody
could have prepared him for this. There was so much blood. Where had
all the blood come from? They'd talked about having ten children. He
was NEVER going through this again as long as he lived. A vasectomy was
beginning to seem like a walk in the park compared to this. At least
through that he'd be frozen, there was nothing numbing about this
experience. This alien on the bed was the mother of his child. Her hair
hung in lank wet rat tails, her tear streaked face had spent much of
the last few hours contorted into such a mask of rage, the likes of
which he'd never seen. Her belly so distended he expected at any moment
the "Alien" to eat its way straight out through her navel. No this was
not nice. He pondered, not for the first time, whether he would be able
to sue the parenting books for trade description offences. None of them
had mentioned any of this. Not one of them had prepared him for his
wife turning into the fish wife from hell.
He held his wife with mistrust. She had been like the wild woman of
Borneo since the last injection of Pethadine had worn off. Now she was
well into the second stage of labour. The midwife keeping well clear of
her flailing fists, experience had made her wise, told them to expect
their new baby within the next couple of pushes. "Come on now love, one
for the shoulders the biggest one yet.
PUUUUUSSSHHH"

" OH PUSH YOURSELF. YOU OLD COW ...AAAAAAAAGGHHGHR" She pushed, digging
her nails into her husbands flesh until he cried out too.
The doctor came into the room and watched with interest the woman's
heavy contraction. He moved forward and helped to guide the baby's
shoulders through the gaping pelvic entrance.
Bob's wife puffed on the gas and air as though her very life depended
on it. Her pupils became dilated little happy pin points as the high of
the gas coursed through her body.
" Doctor; Oh my sweet Doctor Spock with his sexy little pointy ears"
she crooned as the doctor turned an ominous shade of pillar box red.
"Please Doctor give me some more nice drugs; please. I'll sleep with
you and have your babies if you do" she murmured provocatively, while
both the doctor and her poor husband squirmed visibly. The three
nursing staff hid behind their hands, trying to surpress their
giggles.
"What am I saying?" She went on "I'm NEVER going through this again. I
won' t give you any babies Doc, So don't ask me. No, no, no, no babies
but I will sleep AAAAAAAGGGHHHH"
She felt the sweet release of evacuation as the new-born left the warm
safe cavern of his mothers body.
"Suddenly Karen looked like the most beautiful woman on earth. How
could he not have seen how wonderful she looked at this the best and
most sacred time of their lives?" His heart swelled with the most
alarming surge of love. He'd never before encountered an emotion as
strong as this, he knew he would lay down his life for this lady and
their child.
The lard and blood covered child was placed in his mothers arms while
the midwife busily attaching him straight to the breast for his first
feed. The little fella began to suck greedily. Bobby encircled his new
family with his arm, both mother and father crying tears of joy as
their new son fed.
"Sister" the doctors voice sounded urgent "Why the hell didn't this
show up on the scans?"
Suddenly the peaceful labour room erupted into a hive of activity.
People were rushing round. The baby was prized from it's first
attachment to the breast and let his displeasure be known non too
quietly. He was placed in his bemused father's embrace. "What the
hell's going on?" he wanted to know.
A nurse flanked Karen on either side and took hold of her hands "What?
What's happening? Is something wrong? What's going on?"
The midwife smiled a sympathetic smile to the poor abused husband
"It's bargain week love. Special offer. Buy one, get one free! Prepare
yourself, here we go again. Its TWINS!"