O) Surprise, Surprise my roses have thorns.

Friday 26th October 2002.

Confused, depressed, pissed off.

I rang Pete today to ask him to bring the kids swimming kits so that
they could go swimming. I've really missed him this week. We've also
had a night out at Barrow with Kaz planned for ages. I was really
looking forward to it.

He said that his boss had asked him to work Saturday and possibly
Sunday night and he felt that he couldn't say no despite our plans, so
much for our weekend together. Then he said he was tired and didn't
really want to go out, so I said to give the weekend a miss. I was
putting him first and thinking of his well-being, he jumped at the
chance and said that If I wasn't going out with Karen he'd come through
and we could get an early night, but if I wanted to go out he'd give it
a miss. I couldn't let Kaz down at such short notice. That's exactly
what Jan did to me, as soon as she gets a fella she drops me like
yesterday's crap. I won't do that to Kaz. So it was decided that Pete
wouldn't bother coming through at all this weekend because he's too
tired.

I was really annoyed because I spent my last sixty quid on 'extra'
shopping for him and the kids. I bought all kinds of stuff I don't
normally buy so that his kids would feel welcome. It meant that I
didn't have enough left to buy my normal Pantene shampoo and
conditioner and had to get cheap crap that does my hair no good. I need
a purple dye because my black (and grey) roots are coming through but
had to leave that this week as well. It also meant that I only had
fifteen quid to go out with. It's not a lot when you have to pay bus
fairs one way, chip in for taxi fares the other and two quid to get
into the Nines or Scorpio's.

I rang Kaz to say that I would pick her up because I'd decided to
drive. She hates it when I don't drink although I don't need to be
pissed to have fun, so she said she felt ill anyway and that we might
as well call it off because she was too tired. Why didn't somebody tell
me it's World Lethargy Week?

I'd lost all interest in going out so it suited me. We've agreed to go
out in another three weeks come hell or high water and regardless of
whether Pete wants to come or not.

I know Pete's tired and I believe him when he says that's the reason he
doesn't want to come through. But I rang back to say that I wasn't
going out, I suppose I hoped that he'd change his mind and come through
just for the night. It would have made sense because I could have had
the kids tomorrow while he caught up on some sleep ready for him to go
to work tomorrow night. At least it would mean that we got to spend
some time together. He said

"Oh well I suppose there's no reason for me not to come through
then."

But the way he said it sounded as though he'd rather walk over hot
coals than come and spend time with me, so I told him not to bother. I
could tell he was relieved.

I know he's tired, but something as trivial as being a bit tired
wouldn't have stopped me from wanting to be with him. And I don't care
how tired I was I would never let him down like that. I'm sure I earn a
fraction of what he does and yet I've turned down loads of work when
he's coming through. My priorities are Mark, spending time with Pete
and then work. It's highlighted the fact that my feelings for him are a
whole hell of a lot stronger than his for me. It feels as though this
is the start of him becoming bored with me.

He told me at the beginning that his relationships only seem to last
three months because he always gets bored by then. I think we'll be
pushing it to make two.

I ran out of phone credit on Thursday and had my money all planned so
didn't have any spare for a phonecard. Since I ran out of credit I
haven't had so much as one single text off him. Normally we pass texts
back and forth all day. I know it's not much fun sending texts and
knowing that you're not going to get one back, but It just feels as
though he's cutting me off.

He's hardly written this week, but again I haven't written much to him
because I was ill with a migraine for three days and couldn't use the
computer. Tonight I've sent him two e-mails saying that I'm confused
about his actions, but I haven't had anything back.

He said he was going to phone me tonight, but he hasn't done that
either. He knows I'm upset and doesn't seem bothered. I guess that's
proof enough that he doesn't care.

I'd just got comfortable with him, trusted in his words when he said he
loves me. I know the past is nothing to do with him, but because of
what's happened to me I need a lot of reassurance, he knows that.
Sometimes I get ideas in my head and he knows that one of the less
pleasant parts of my personality is a deep lack of being able to trust
in my own worth and I lack the ability to feel secure in relationships.
Probably because I don't usually have any stability or security with
the men I've been with. All it needs to put my mind at rest is a few
kind words to tell me everything is all right and not to worry. I know
it's a pain in the arse but he knows the way I am, I can't help the way
I feel or the things that come into my head. They are easy enough to
push away and most of the time I'm rational and clear thinking.

I've lost all that new confidence in our relationship. He says he'll
come through and see me on Monday night. The way I feel at the moment
I'm not bothered whether he does or not. I suppose the barriers have
gone up and I'm preparing myself for being on my own again.

It's midnight and there's not been a word from him. Perhaps he's
asleep, or maybe he just can't be bothered with me, I wasn't very
pleasant with him on the phone.

Am I wrong to be upset over one broken weekend and a spoiled night out?
If I don't make a fuss about it there'll be other's. I wish I could
just learn to be cool about things.

It's not that so much though, it's the gradual pulling back, the drop
in e-mails, no texts, not wanting to talk to me for more than five
minutes on the phone. I know, he's tired, be understanding Sooz.

Or maybe he just got bored.