Q) Rewind

Listen Son; I know you're angry with me. Hell if the truth be told
I'm not too pleased with you either. We both said things we didn't
mean, it all got out of hand didn't it eh? That temper of yours it's
just like your Father's. Now don't start thinking I'm having a go at
your Dad. I'm not so you don't have to start jumping to his defence. I
was just saying, that's all. You have a temper just like him.

Sulking about this isn't going to do any good you know. We need to talk
it through, clear the air, remember what we like about each other
instead of what we don't. Why do you have to be so stubborn? I'm
prepared to meet you half way admit I was wrong, say I'm sorry.

Oh Baby you're so proud, but do you think I don't notice the way your
eyes film over when you feel hurt or badly done to. You feel that in
all the world your Mother should be the one person who will never, ever
hurt you. But sweetheart I'm not just a mother, I'm a human being. I
can mess up too. You're a man now don't you realise that adults go
wrong sometimes?

You expect my loyalty no matter what. You have my unconditional love;
loyalty doesn't come in that kind of packaging. If I disagree with you,
how can I ever be true to myself if I blindly follow?

I try to tend your needs, give you all the things a good mother gives,
but sometimes son I have needs too. Have you ever given one thought to
my needs?

I will not preach, I will not lecture, I will not bury you in
guilt.

But, if anything happened to you tomorrow, I'd have no choice would I?
I'd have to bury you. How could I do that with this between us?

I have no problem saying I'm sorry.

Nor with saying I love you.

It's late sweetheart, I wish you were here. Don't you fancy a round of
'whose making the coffee' argument? I do. I want to tell you about my
day. I saw a robin this morning but you'd only be interested in hearing
that I saw your ex-girlfriend in the street. She looked unhappy. Are
you well? I miss you. See now look you've made me cry. Goodnight my
Son.

She leaned forward and pressed the 'rewind' button on the cassette
player. When it finished whirring and gave it final 'click' she ejected
it. She held the warm plastic in her hand for several minutes battling
with her anger, staring at the tape. And then she dropped it in the
dustbin on her way up to bed.