R) All change

I'm fourteen bless me!

Body popping oestrogen.

My world is changing, shifting with the tides, the moon, some
Goddammned thing that I don't understand.

My shape is changing too. The morphing is painful inside and outside
and in my head and in my belly and in my nipples. I'm like a boiled
jumper, all stretched and different.

Where am I?

Where have I gone?

Who am I?

It's scary in here, alone in the dark in this New World where I have to
be a grown-up when I feel insecure, and a baby when I'm on a confidence
high. 'Grow up' they yell in one breath and then, on the exhalation,
'Oh what do you know you're only a child.'

Everything I do is wrong. I can't get anything right these days. They
used to smile that 'proud' smile that makes them look like a pair of
dopamine moron's and clap their hands when I said something smart, now
they just shake their heads in desperation.

I want to be nine again, that was a steady 'everything stays the same'
age to be.

I want to be a woman all grown up, with big boobs and a
boyfriend.

I want to be my best mate, she's going out with John Dawson, he's
fit.

I just want to be someone else.

And what's with all these swear words that leap into my mind?

I love my kid brother. I do. I don't want to be nasty to him.

I open my mouth a little bit I even start working on a smile as I form
the phrase "Excuse me please." And then my mouth is not mine anymore if
opens in a big wide 'O' controlled by someone else, and the word 'MOVE'
blasts out like a train screaming out of a tunnel.

The force of my vehemence has a ninety-mile-an-hour backblast yet I sit
wide-eyed and bewildered as it takes me by surprise.

All around me are playing musical partners. Mum's new fella, Dad's new
woman. Neither of them has brought the same sex back yet but in this
new, crazy world where nothing stays the same it wouldn't surprise
me.

Form an orderly line and do that 'conga' thing that always looks so
minging when 'olds' do it. Don't they know how shameful they look? When
the music stops pick a partner and if there isn't one left &;#8230;
you're out!

I don't know why they want someone when they're old. They're over
thirty, they shouldn't 'do it' that's sick.

My parent's are pretty cool though &;#8230;well for their age.

I just want to be 'me' again, but everything keeps changing.