Grandad

Dear Grandad,

I still speak to you everyday even though you've been gone for almost five years now. I tell you about my day and anything I'm worried about the way I always used to, I can only hope that you are listening the way you used to too because you were such a good listener. Even if I came in and you were eating dinner, you would always stop eating to ask me about what I did that day and even if it was the most uninteresting day, you would listen so intently. Even when you weren't very well and I came over to visit you, I'd say 'How are feeling grandad, any better?” You'd say, “Not too good to be honest Soph, but that doesn't matter. How did your exam go?”

I'm so sorry I didn't come and visit you in the hospital. Mum said it was only a water infection and that you'd be out on Monday, but you never came home did you? That's what's so ironic. You fought in the War, overcame Malaria and even survived Cancer, yet you died of complications from a water infection! That's why I never visited. You were going to live forever in my eyes because you always won any battle that you came across, sometimes including Nan's wrath! I remember leaving the hospital that day. I couldn't quite believe what had happened, everyone was sobbing around me but I couldn't comprehend that that was it, you had gone from my life forever and it would never be the same.

Gone were the kisses and cuddles that you used to give me before school. You used to come outside and greet me on my way and give me a big grandad hug and then as I was walking away you would say your little rhyme that you made up to make me smile, “There she goes, on her tiny toes. It must Sophie Lawrence I suppose!”

I would always come and see you on my way home from school and you would leave me some of my favourite chocolate in the cupboard. You would insist on going to the shop every day just to get it for me, even when you're legs were getting weaker and it would take you twice as long to walk there and back.

Gone are all of the bedtime stories you would tell me and all of the 'special' ones that you would make up if I grew bored of the others. If I asked you to tell it again, you couldn't because it was really all complete nonsense but I would giggle until I fell asleep. You would always say to me, 'The next time you see me it'll be a new day and all your worries are of yesterday'.

I'm sorry if I upset you the last time I saw you, Mum had to take me away because I was crying so much. It was in the funeral parlour, do you remember? Or were you looking down on us by then? I realised then that you weren't there any more because your body and your lovely grandad face weren't the same. All of your character had left you and even though you still had the same features, they were different somehow. You did look very smart though in your new suit that you bought for the dance you and Nan were going to and your swanky new tie! I just remember focusing on your hands, they were what I most identified you with. They were big and strong and I always used to be fascinated by them when I sat on your lap. They were so much bigger than mine! I held onto those hands that time and that's when I finally realised that that would be the last time I would ever hold them in mine.

If I ever want to be near you, I just need to go into yours and Nan's bedroom. Your side of the bed is still exactly as you had left it, Grandad. All of your many 'bottles of scent', as you used to call them, are in the top shelf. Your three watches are underneath, not one of them telling the correct time like when you wore them! I still sit and hold my favourite gold one as I always used to do. It became a running joke where you used to say, “Do you want to hold my gold watch? It was very expensive you know!” Because it only cost you a few pounds! That watch is worth millions to me now because it was your watch, even if it can't serve its main purpose! On the bottom shelf still lies all of the change that you would carry around in your pockets, you refused any wallet that anyone bought you simply because there was “no need”. You carried it around so you always had enough money to buy me my chocolate.

Nan always talks about you and we always toast you over Christmas dinner because that was your favourite moment of the year. You would sit there in your oversized Christmas cracker hat and sing carols (with all the wrong words of course!). Nan still writes me cards that are signed from you too so that you never miss any of my birthdays.

I do miss you terribly though, Grandad. Even though I knew you all of my life, I never really knew you because there were so many stories that you never got a chance to tell me. So I thought I would just tell you some of the little stories that made you my Granddad.

Love you always,

Tiny Toes xxx