The Vegemites

The Punishment of Food

18 And God spake unto the Vegemites saying, "Thou hast displeased me greatly. (ii)Therefore shall I cause to be served up to thee a punishment of food. The food will be of such unutterable vileness that thou shalt recognise it instantly as that which was served up to you daily when thou wert children. (iii)And thou shalt sit at the table until thou hast eaten thy fill. (iv)And if any of the food remains, it will be served up to you for your next meal, and for your next, and for your next, (v)yea even unto the tenth generation, until every scrap is eaten. (vi)And if the food be putrid, learn thy lesson all the better thou wilt, and sound all the more like Yoda shall I."

(vii)And Jeroboam of the Vegemites rose and spake thus. (viii)"I have heard you, O Lord, and I wish to inquire whether there will be soggy cabbage, which I adore, or ice cream, which I detest." (ix)But the Lord, who had read of Br'er Rabbit and the Briar Patch, was not so easily taken in. (x)He cast Jeroboam aside like an old honkytonk piano and spake unto the multitude saying, (xi)"Dinner is served."

(xii)Then spake Two For One Offer saying, "is food not to be enjoyed?" And the Lord answered her thus. (xii)"Thou art a woman and thy words smell of dung. Have them repeated by a man." (xiii)And Amman spake unto the Lord saying, "consider my wife stoned, your Lordliness, for she has most surely been at the pot again. (xiv)Yet is not a sparrow with no heart greater oxen than any of these raiments?"

(xv)And the Lord rebuked him saying, "just because we live in biblical times doesn't mean you can talk complete bollocks and get away with it. (xvi)For that you can wash the dishes afterwards, and then you can go to bed without your internet porn."

(xvii)And so it came to pass that the Vegemites enjoyed not their food and thus avoided becoming French. (xviii)Praise be unto the Lord.

(xix)Quick, he's not looking, throw some to the seagulls.