"The Way To The Fruit Farm" or P1 Explained.

The fastest way to infiltrate a nuthouse is to live on five "E's" a day, and to break your own heart at the same time.

Guaranteed to work, for sure.You will be certified insane for the rest of your natural.

You don't know whether you are up or down, coming or going, been or went.

You look up at the sky and all you see is the inside of your eyeballs.

Blackness.

I've been trying to find a phrase or sentence to describe what it's like. I'm getting nowhere.

I have one to diagnose the symptoms,"sensory overload". It's where you feel every possible feeling, but all at the same time.

The shit that goes though your mind,if it is a mind at that stage, or just a receptical for all the dire happenings in the "whole" world.

The rage, alternating with overwhelming feelings of pity for the human race.

Thoughts like, never having pleased my mother. Never having done anything right in her eyes.

Why can't she just let me go. She has with our kid. He never gets any shit.

You knew you had met the girl of your dreams, yet you had to fuck it up. You couldn't help yourself. You just had to do it!

You can't speak. You're scared of upsetting anybody.

The phone rings, you can't answer it.

There's a knock at the door, you hide behind the sofa.

You never open the curtains, daylight hurts your eyes.

The viable business that you let slide into ruin.

The list is endless, all the totally unexplainable things that you cannot help but let happen.

*

Then one day you find yourself in a sanctuary. A place of quiet. You wonder "where am I? How did I get here?"

You're surrounded by people, but you're left alone.

Gradually, after a time, the days start to get a little brighter. You're able to chat with fellow sufferers.

You have your first laugh. That's a breakthrough. That first laugh.

You're able, very slowly, to retrace your steps. You find your way back down the various branches, to the main tree trunk that is your path in life.

You begin to figure out where you went wrong. It's not easy, it's very painful. The hurt makes you shed buckets of tears. Each tear brings more relief.

Then one day, you have an urge to get out there. To try again. Yoy have to give it another go.

You've learnt, hopefully, the things to avoid. You can see, recognise, situations before they happen.

On the outside, you learn to cope with the way people avoid you.

You see them cross over the road when they see you, the excuses they make to leave your company.

They don't realise that you are grateful for this. Those people are not your friends.

It saves you having to tell them to "fuck off!"

*

The world becomes a better place.

You feel and know the strength you have inside you.

Bring it on!

Written with thanks for all the staff and fellow sufferers in P1, Stepping Hill Hospital, Stockport.