The window

By spidercrab405

Tue, 30 Oct 2012
  • 882 reads
5 comments
 

I opened the frosted window and let the cold air blast my face. Little water droplets brushed my cheeks as the slowly turned red. The leaves which once covered the trees had now all floated into the street. Puddles sat motionless in the street, while at the curb rivers swiftly poured into a nearby drain. This night was darker than most, it was more peaceful. No cars danced down the street this night. They sat in their driveways waiting for morning. The wind screams through the night and into oblivion. Its voice alone in the night. The rain began pouring and once again flooding the streets. Rain pounded the roof and poured into the gutters. Frantically I rush to close the window that cold lonely night.

Certificate U
Other
Nature

Comments

Submitted by scratch on
Welcome spidercrab405. You have given us some good images here, I especially like the leaves in the street and the rivers draining at the curb side. A couple of tiny observations if I may? If the windows are frosted (good image again) then it not necessary to describe the air as 'cold' as the windows could not be frosted if the air was anything but cold. Let us build our own image rather than force it on us. Be aware of clunky tense changes. It can be a distraction for he reader, eg. "They sat in their driveways waiting for morning. The wind screams through the night into oblivion." Can you see how this is a litle distracting? Anyway I am being picky (sorry). This is a good first post and I look forward to many more from you. Welcome to ABCtales.

 

Submitted by jolono on
Nice start Spidercrab. Big welcome to the site.

 

Submitted by pjmerrigan on
Welcome! A typo I spotted: "...cheeks as THEY turned red". Also, I think "The wind screams through the night and into oblivion. Its voice alone in the night" should be one run-on sentence "...into oblivion, its voice...". It read almost like a poem to me.

Submitted by Bernard Shaw on
bernard shaw Welcome Spidercrab. Please do not be put off by any comments directed not at you but your writing.The fragmewnt of what you wrote could be built into a good story. try extending this into a thousand fivehundred words. See what comesof it. All the best from Bern.

bernard shaw

Submitted by The Walrus on
Your imagery is very evocative, spidercrab, but like Bernard said, it comes across as the beginning of something deeper and more involved.