being sober

i've been sober for 40 days now. my back aches. i don't feel well. my body is suddenly realizing that it's almost 42 years old.

my butt farts at random times. i have pains at random times too. i just can't control my body. i think that my drinking problem really started as a way of medicating my body. when i drank, i felt good, i felt pleasure and was somewhat disassociated with the body. the alcohol made my body feel pleasure and feel fine. also technically, i was not an alcoholic. i drank about 3 beers a day, usually while eating. it made food taste good no matter how terrible the food was.

the other reason i drank was that it excited my bipolar disorder so i felt more creative, more magical, and more powerful.

now, i realize how exhausted my body was. drinking has always exhausted my body. i remember when i drank a few beers a day about 10 years ago, i could feel the difference when i drank less. i could get up earlier and feel fine. now, after drinking for a while, in my soberness, i need a full 10 hours of sleep. i feel exhausted.

in essence, it's a problem of renewal. i can find no nenewal in the world these days. vacations make me more tired than i was before. besides, i do not have the money for vacations anymore. movies... they all seem to say the same things. nothing new and precious to the human soul has been born. people are just recycling ideas. when the new caanot be born, you get monsters. i know that i was some italian philosopher who said that.

so, i am trying to understand being reborn as a christian as a spiritual renewal. accepting christ as my savior. accepting my sinful self and being transformed through jesus. i am trying to dive into it and it's hard. i'm trying not to eat out for pleasure. i'm trying to teach my kids instead of making them mirror images or anti-images of me. i'm trying to be a leader to my employees. it's damn hard.

i'm so used to easy solutions and "lack of struggling." all business motivation leaders say that we shoul get out of our comfort zone to strive for the best in us. yet, i am still within the womb of security and comfort. i really don't know what i can achieve. i only know that it is only now that i started to try to change from a negativity, an anti-mirror filled with anger and hate.