Trisha's Interior Monologue

It could be true. There was in language a meaning, a truth, that I could not deny. But God told me the truth, that was a simple fact. How did I verify the truth of God though? How did the use of language reveal a person's truth? Why was Timothy such a playboy? Was his "eros" trying to balance out his "thanatos?" Was he copying his hero, James Bond? Or was it an attempt to forget about all those women and men that he so viciously killed? Why had he made himself so vulnerable in front of me? Why, why? There was not much to say about him. It's true that the things that he spoke about, movies and dining, these were things that everyone spoke about. But the way he spoke about them, the tone, there was almost an aftertaste to the tone. It was as if he were living off movies and food in order to forget, to forget the killings that he so passionately believed in. There were those who created completely fictiously lives in order to escape the past. They changed their names and lived in a state of constant denial. They had been horrific executioners in Nazi jails. They had been betrayers of their nation's secrets. They had given the enemy the blade. What was there to say? Timothy deserved to die. He had even thought of God, God as the ultimate judge.

And what of it? Was it his last plea? I had seen some men laugh when my gun was pointed at them. Some of them laughed so eerily, so proudly. I could hear words in the laughter. It almost seemed as if laughter itself were made of words, but the words became mixed, all the letters floating on the soup of laughter. The laughter of these men said, "I'm fucked, fucked, fucked. I would never have guessed that I would have been fucked by a woman, especially you. You think you've got me, but somehow...." I felt no pity. When the bullet left my gun, it was a swift messenger of God with the velocity of angels. It was justice. My heart was purified after the killing. My heart would thump strongly, boldly, made alive once again, revived. The spirit awakened within me and I was illuminated once again, living a new life almost.