Gulshan's Dilemma

I knew that something would go terribly wrong. As it happened before, you think everything is perfect and after a few days, it starts rotting. That is what has happened with the person I love/loved. I know that I have insecurities, which are making a mess of my relationships. But this person should’ve understood me, my pain, and the trauma I have gone through. I don’t see anything in her eyes now. Just a plain look, that is blank, cold and devoid of any emotion.

Let me tell you how much I tried getting her to love me. It seemed an insurmountable task; I was hanging in between would it happen or not. I admit, I was desperate and she was likeable. That I made wrong choices in the past, but for me it hardly mattered because finally I had her in my life, and everything was supposed to be fine. I must say, it wasn’t fine.

Not probably in the first stages, though she never failed to give me enough signs, but after a while it seemed to be forced and mechanical. When I first met her in my college days, Neil had warned me to not to get into another relationship as I had already been heartbroken. He knew that I would mess it up again if I let her into my life. Yes, he was right.

Neil has known me since childhood and I should’ve listened to him, but how come he gets to have a stable relationship while I suck at each and everything? I had no clue; instead I wanted to show him that I can do much better in life than him. I was wrong again. If Rekha left me, is it my fault as well?

What did I do? Absolutely nothing!

I think I had just tried to put her on the right track, I mean for her own good. I didn’t like it when she was making ridiculous decisions about her life and that’s when I stepped in to give her a helping hand. Told her what is right from wrong and was basically getting her to accept my safe choices for her. I don’t know why she felt so sad and depressed about it, I wasn’t like forcing her to marry me or anything like that. She said this has to end and that ‘this’ was not my lecturing but our relationship.

I could do only one thing: move on. That’s what I did or thought I did.

College was finished, and I took up a job to be financially independent unlike Rekha, who wanted to get into photography. I don’t know why she chose that, how could she take up something just not related to her field of studies. I hardly care, she never heeded my advice.

I joined an amazing company called ‘Rapidzia Inc’ as a financial analyst. I had the safest job with awesome benefits and it couldn’t have gotten better at this point of time in my life. However, I started to feel a little cantankerous these days for no apparent reason.

Perhaps it’s the work load at the office but I like working and was a constant top performer. After sometime I stopped being a top performer, it wasn’t like I didn’t like what I was doing anymore but my senses weren’t supporting me. One day when I had to stay late in the office for completion of a vital project, I started sweating even the environment was normal.

My cabin had a great view of Hyderabad, and at night it seemed almost surreal. I must have taken a short nap because I woke up to a shrill voice of glass being broken and water spilled on my pants. I tried to look for housekeeping staff to help me but couldn’t find any; I got out of my seat leaving behind a calm view of Hyderabad and started walking in the corridor. My company was in the tenth floor of a massive building, I just needed some fresh air to clear my mind and focus on the project because I didn’t feel like doing anything at all.

That’s when I felt like someone has taken my photograph, because I strongly felt I saw a flash. I yelled if anyone was there, I got no reply. I heard someone laughing and it was unmistakably Rekha’s, my heart jumped a bit I thought she has come back to be with me and since it was my birthday I couldn’t believe my luck.

I had to catch her, and tell her that we can start afresh. I began running along the corridor, and heard the clicking of heels and I could only fasten my pace: that’s my last hope to get to her. I could see the mass of hair which she keeps lose all the time dwindling down the staircase. I ran, slipped and lost my vision.

The next image I got to see was Neil standing beside the doctor and some other colleagues surrounding me. I was told to take lots of rest and then start counseling.

‘What counseling?” I panicked.

“It is just a way for you to talk things out, you know things that are bothering you”, offered Neil.

I didn’t feel like it was necessary, I’m not a maniac. Neil could comprehend my facial expressions and I guess he read my thoughts.

“Gulshan, I know the break up with Rekha has been quite hard on you. I really understand that, but you need to get out of that for it is only making you feel more depressed. You hardly hang out with me or any of your colleagues, please start your life afresh”, he was so tender that my eyes moistened a little. I was jealous of him but he really cares for me.

“It’s just that Rekha was there in my office the other day, trying to take a photograph of me. Well, she never misses my birthday so she took my picture and was running down the staircase and I just chased her”.

Now it was Neil’s turn to let a tear roll down from his eyes, and pressed my hand a little.

“She can’t be there in your office at that time, I hope you understand”.

“What? You don’t believe me? I’m not lying, Neil. She did come to the office”, I was defensive. How could I let people believe that I just had a dream, it was real to me and I need to tell them that.

“I hope that you know that she cannot”, Neil started reasoning. I couldn’t get what he was trying to make out of it.

“What do you mean she cannot? Can’t she walk or what?”

“Gulshan, we had this talk a million times and I’ve always asked you to remember that she cannot come back into your life as she is not alive anymore”, Neil replied holding both my hands.

He continued saying “You tend to forget things that frighten you the most, you are so desperate to come out of them that you end up re-living them and this has to stop. Please Gulshan, I beg you to go for proper counseling that will be of great help to you”.

I saw images coming back to me, a year after my relationship ended I did get to know about her demise. She was on an expedition to photograph some rare wild animal in a jungle. It was in Africa that she died.

Neil hugged me and was about to leave.

“Can you let me know when this counseling session is going to begin?” I asked him on his way out. His face lit up and said he’d let me know as soon as I got well.

I recalled that it was an Okapi that Rekha wanted to capture.