Heart break

My mind raced. My heart pounded. There must be some kind of mistake. Maybe this letter wasn’t from my dad. Maybe mum was having an affair. Yes that was it, she was seeing someone else.

I searched for the end of the letter........it was signed by Patrick Joseph. That’s my dad.

I pushed the letter back into the box and rammed it back into the hole it had come from. I ran to my bedroom, silent, and locked the world out.

I didn’t really know how to feel. Angry, sad. Most of all I felt like my heart had actually broken into two pieces. I could feel it breaking away and crumbling.
I cried, I rocked, and I felt stupid and ashamed. How could they lie to me? How could I not know?

I did the only thing I knew how to do and I wrote to my mum. I can’t remember what I wrote in that letter. I gave it to her and she wrote me one back later.

I don’t remember what my mum’s reply said, but I think she told me she was disappointed I felt I had to write a letter and never to mention it again. Not to her. Not to my dad. Nor to my sister. I’m not even sure he knows that I know.

After weeks of thinking about this all by myself, crying myself to sleep. Wishing I did not exist. Things began to fall into place.

The way I’ve never truly felt like I belonged anywhere.
The way dads side of the family hardly spoke to me, yet showered my sister in gifts and love.
The way my Nan on my Mum’s side was always super protective of me.
The way I have never seen any baby photos of myself
The way I always had this longing to be loved properly, to be hugged and to feel special to someone.