I Remember, I Forget.

Sometimes [I] only [hate] you, instead of both at once and I think a kiss would kill me.
...I think that I would like that, [to die] by you, swiftly [instead] of slowly like I have to.
or is even that small hope far too far to go?

I suppose it must be else [I] would have died [already].
but instead I am a[live], most definatly so, every form of pain is somewhere but ignored or embraced.
I remain forever dying ....until I can do..... something so stupid [as] to live....

[A fool] am I!
....I am [already] alive, I'm not [dying] excepting in so far as [everyone is] dying day by day.
no, I just make words and spin them into a beautiful lie, ... a poem or a pretty story.
Just woven words into a mat of gold[.]
Surely ..it may sometimes... feel like I am dying and you are killing ..me but really its only me isn't it?
You wouldn't do so much as stand near me now, without even thinking you managed to throw me away.

...........

I am impressed and even proud and everytime I think of you, think of who you are and how you are I remember that's why I like you.
Everytime [your 'evil'] I remember that its what I love about you. Surely I would have to be .... more twisted ..... than you to find this appealing.
To [be proud of] a girl for rejecting someone ~even when it's [you] she rejected~ so spectacularly must be strange,
never-the-less [I am proud] and [i]t only served to make me [love] you a little more [and hate you] even as much[.]

....[I] don't think its as simple as just 'getting over' you or it, but its going to be a little more.....

Even if I make no move to change your mind and no move to want you more or even to have you, .......

this is my only [tell of how] I still wish to be with [you] ..... but am not and likely wont be.
With luck you'll [never] read it, ever.
~and we'll all be glad you [missed it].~

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Imagine this as a translation from an epigraphical source. As in, like an inscription on a stone tablet from Italy in the early period before Rome and its foundation.
I don't know why, but that's how I wrote it, fragmented and with more to say.