The not elected manifesto

(Introduction by the honourable Nicolas Clegg MP, Deputy Prime Minister)

Like many before me, who have been in similar positions of great responsibility and power, I have in recent times been the recipient of much carping criticism, with people complaining that the Liberal Democrats have somehow “let them down” on the pledges and promises set out in our 2010 election Manifesto.

I would like to take time to make clear that we never expected to be in government. The policies set out in our Manifesto are those we anticipated calling for in opposition. Put simply, those pledges don’t count, if we thought for one minute that people were going to elect us we’d have been a bit more realistic.

Frankly, the general public have only themselves to blame for failing to make a clear decision between Labour and the Conservatives. It’s ridiculous to try and shuffle the blame on the Lib Dems for making the decision for you.

Having gained power, thanks to the encouraging support of my good friend David Cameron, it was immediately apparent that our policies were not appropriate for government, which is why we abandoned all of them, after much real, genuine, soul searching and consideration.

Therefore, with a new election approaching, I want to make absolutely clear that our new Manifesto only applies if we are not in power after the next election. It quite clearly sets out the policies we as a party believe in passionately, and will lobby for furiously if we are not in government.

Student tuition fees
The Liberal Democrats believe passionately that university education should be free for all, in order to ensure that the young people with the most potential get the best possible education and training available.

It is simply shocking that the Coalition Government saw fit to triple fees within hours of gaining power, this was not simply immoral, but also detrimental to British industry, who need the sort of skilled workforce that universities provide. That is why, if we are not elected, we will scrap all tuition fees with immediate effect.

A fairer system of democracy
As in our 2010 Manifesto, the Liberal Democrats pledge to introduce a fairer voting system. The Coalition government has taken great steps towards this, following the successful passage of the Rigging of Elections Act, which abolished over 50 Labour seats in parliament and created hundreds of new Peerages for Lib Dem and Conservative supporters, including the many bankers who spent a small proportion of their bonuses making donations to our parties.

Thanks to the Coalition’s bold changes, even popular children’s TV presenter, Mr Blobby, now has a seat on the Lib Dem benches. Lord Blobby has been a refreshing presence in parliament and we much appreciated his support in helping to talk out the opposition Bill for Fairness and Justice. Who can forget his closing speech: “Blobby, blobby, blobby, blobby, blobby, blobby, blobby.” For those that stayed up to watch, it was one of the finest five hours in parliamentary history.

The Lib Dem Guarantee
The Liberal Democrats have delivered a new era of democratic accountability. I swear to you, hand on heart, that if we lose the next election we will fight for these policies as if our very lives depended on them. However, I should make it equally clear, that if we are elected, we will continue to do the exact opposite of everything contained herein.